salam aidilfitri

salam aidilfitri...to those who text me, thank you...via cards, thank you..hope you guys having a wonderful aidilfitri this year with beloved family.

my daughter

fifi - during her medical check up.

while waiting for her turn, we played with a cute baby girl. what suprised me was that the way she acted towards the baby and how she hold those tiny little fingers so gently. suddenly one of the nurses asked her

nurse: kakak ifah nak baby tak?

fifi: nak (while looking at her and me)

nurse: cakap kat mamala nak baby

fifi: nak baby ( not asking me but at the baby's mother) hehehehe...

baby's mother: ala, baby ni tak bolehla..nanti acik tak leh tido malam.

clueless

I was a quick wet boy,

diving too deep for coins

All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys

Then when the cops closed the fair,

I cut my long baby hair

Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found youFlightless bird,

jealous,

weeping or lost you,

american mouth

Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat

Nursing my sore blunt tongue

Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks

Pissing on magazine photos

Those fishing lures thrown in the cold

And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found youFlightless bird,

grounded,

bleeding or lost you,

american mouth

Big pill stuck going down

can someone tell me what this song is all about??????????

fly away my little bird

touch my sorrow if you can feel my pain

blow away my pain if you can touch my heart

paint me with rainbow if you can see my soul

bleed me if you cant see any

words...so many voices in my head...cram me with headache. how long have i put my imagination away so it can came into my head like flowless river? i have the urge to write what have been playing in my mind. and somehow, my hand felt lifeless..

so many voices......

hate me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you.

Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

unexpected

changes

is there a limitation to what that can be change?

or restriction on what can or cannot be change?

i feel hopeless sometimes

whenever changes happen

not knowing what the best for myself

more than often questioning myself

if its the right one for me

my little garden

actually dah start since bulan 3 lagi. lani baru nampak hasil. inilah keja aku pepagi bila makcik sanniah datang tolong kemaskan umah. adala dalam 54 guni aka pokok. yg seronoknya bila berkebun ni time apa yg kita tanam tumbuh and menjadi. alhamdullilah, dapatla merasa hasil sendiri.

new pics

upload from my hphone. today fifi dah start tak tidur petang. nampaknya kena pandai2 ler aku cari apa yg nak kena buat. kesian dia main sorang2 bila amani tido. and lately fifi asyik panggil aku popah jer (opah). haih...

****

mana2 kami pi, mesti org akan tegur - dua beradik ni lain2 ek...sorang rambut lurus, sorang kerinting...

during my visit to my maksu's house for kenduri tahlil, maksu pun tegur (maybe sbb dia dah lama tak tengok fifi) - eh, mcm maria la...

ok....

i guess, kekadang tu betul jgk org tua kata. time aku pregnantkan fifi dulu pun asyik berangin je dgn maria. rasa menyampah ada, geram ada, memacam ler...mek dah pernah cakap, jgn ada rasa mcm tu karang terkenan anak tu..

aper pun, adala jgk iras skit2

and fifi mmng ikut ayah dia -dari muka, rambut, perangai..seme ikut ayah dia. sbb tu lah dia anak ayah.

tanya hati

in my previous entry ada citer pasal dapat offer cikgu ganti kan? tapi tak dapat. sbb? rupanya nak kena pasang kabel baru dapat...aku yg ignorant bab2 ni, lurus bendul pi pejabat pendidikan daerah utk apply. ingatkan okla tapi rupanya aku sepatutnya jmpa kerani sekolah tu, bg dia yg tlg settlekan dgn pengetua. ooo.....baru tahu tapi tak apala. tak ada rezeki. maybe next time.


hari ni asyik pikir nak start keja balik jer. tak tau kenapa. lebih2 lak bila tahu kwn2 aku ramai jadi ppd. alahai....itu angan2 time study in case tak dapat nak continue jadi lecture..tapi aku lak duk umah.


kawn time sek dulu adala tipon aku tanya kabor. dia kata apasal ler aku duk umah padahal dulu bagai nak rak study nak masuk u. bila dah abis u duk umah lak. so hari ni bila ingat balik apa yg dia cakap, aku kompius gak.


last2 aku bagitau diri sendiri - tanya la hati tu...kalu rasa dah tak takut nak lepas ank kat org lain, applyla mana2..haih

al fatihah

ada banyak cerita yg hendak dikongsikan tapi otak tak boleh berjalan mcm biasa.


hari ni tetiba teringatkan insiden 4 tahun lepas..time my uncle masuk icu. di waiting room hospital universiti, berjumpa dengan satu family- wife yg sarat mengandung, 2 anak and her parent menunggu utk melawat suami yg sakit. i cant remember arwah sakit apa...lagipun tak tergamak rasanya nak bertanya lebih time tu melihatkan kakak tu yg pucat tapi masih boleh tersenyum.

hari terakhir berada di wad, mendapat tahu yg si suami meninggal dunia pada hari kakak itu melahirkan anak mereka ke 3.


kita yg mendengar terasa pedih, tapi tidak sepedih yg dirasa oleh kakak itu.....





al-fatihah buat arwah. al fatihah buat arwah abg adi..

lonely

ever since i'm at home

i never really felt lonely

the time flew away

when i'm with my kids

last month

i felt lonely

my aunt passed away

i was depressed

havent seen my babies the whole day

locked myself in a room

alone

feeling regret

i can never visit her again

feeling guilty

for i have not seen her for four years

hating for myself

for not knowing that she was hospitalized

i felt lonely

and it was painful.

and i felt it again this month..

i'm not really know arwah

somehow

i felt lonely

because i am here

i am not there

i dont know what to do

what to say

what to write

what to ask

freaking mother

me and huby, plan nak antar fifi tadika next year. we chosed yg islamic punya and lokasi pun ok. what concern me the most is that - I AM NOT PREPARE TO LET MY BABY GO........

you can call me whatever name you want. i guess i am a freaking mother. anxious in other hand, freak out another. this is another BIG step that fifi have to go and somehow i' afraid.

***
mcm ari ni....opah depa bawak fifi pi JB (aunt my huby duk kat kempas)- bukannya dia pi bermalam tapi aku risau (walaupun aku tak perlu risau lagipun fifi pun pernah dijaga oleh opah dia)...rasa rindu nak dengar suara dia pun ada sejak dari kul 2.30 ptg till now..haih.

***

yesterday ada org tanyakan sama ada aku leh jadi cikg ganti ... dalam hati? memang nak and dah terima pun tapi at the same time, naper rasa berat hati nak tinggalkan anak padahal sekolah dekat and sampai tengahari jer pun....pasal aperla aku jadi mcm ni.

huby: panggil ibu

nani: bobo...bobo...(our cat)

***

huby: ibu, pukul kakak ni

fifi: no no no...(sambil hentak kaki or peluk tubuh)

****

me: nani, panggil kakak

nani: nani....mama...

***

me: kakak, mana nani? (with my eyes close)

fifi: nani, where ar u..

***

me: kakak, sori sori...

fifi: soi soi...(sambil menari super junior)

***

huby: bye bye

nani: bye bye, uh uh (love u)

***

huby: assalamualaikum

nani: sakum, bye bye, uh uh

***
my first baby dah besar...dah pandai makan sendiri, dah pandai tolak sayur bagi kat adik. dah pandai tak cemburu sangat dengan adik. dah pandai ambik pampers and tuang bedak siap2. dah pandai mandi sendiri, tak payah nak simbahkan...dah pandai pilih baju cantik yg nak dipakai..dah pandai pujuk aku...dah pandai buat muka..haih..........

nani? semua dah pandai ikut kakak. merajuk lari dalam bilik, duk atas katil sampai nak kena pujuk. dah pandai pukul and tendang kakak dia. dah pandai main acah2 dgn kakak sampai gaduh. dah pandai minta itu ini...dah pandai bodek. haih....

bila dah besar mcm ni, teringat masa depa kecik. bila tengok gambar time depa baby, terasa sebak pun ada...terasa berbaloi duk umah melayan karenah walaupun penat gila lani sbb dua2 dah pandai demand....

fibroid - part II

here it come again. my husband's aunt will be having her fibroid operation tomorrow. she was worried and concern about it. who will not? this worried me too since i have not scan mine...it was 11 cm and i'm not sure sama ada perlu dibuang fibroid shj atau fibroid and rahim...

fibriod is not something that can be ignored or pandang sebelah mata. most of us tak sedar simpton and kesannya. actually, it can be a serious problem for women above 40 years old as it can lead into cancer.

among the simptons are :

1-Heavy Vaginal Bleeding — excessive menstrual bleeding that can develop anemia, low blood count. one of the article that i read also described that if we are having menstrual pain or senggugut yg serius, haid tak teratur or skit pun bole menyumbang kepada fibroid. (check this website - http://www.hamidarshat.com

2- Pelvic Pressure or Discomfort — heaviness or pressure in the lower abdomen or pelvis. this kind of simptom mcm terasa pregnant. as i recall, when i was 6 months pregnant and above, my abdomen terasa berat- maybe mcm tu kut.

3-Bladder Changes — urinate more frequently.

4- Low back pain

5- Rectal Pressure — difficulty having a bowel movement

not bad

dah lama tak update blog- modem ada masalah and seterusnya membawa kepada tamatnya pakej broadband yg aku pakai..semenya sbb modem and connection yg lembab..maybe sbb aku duk kawasan estet...so signal agak weak. bertukar kepada 1515 tmnet, not bad....walaupun tahap kelajuan dia tak sama dengan 3G celcom tapi alhamdullilah, so far (baru 2 hari pakai) laju jgk and no problem.

bulan ni merupakan bulan yg paling panas sejak kami berpindah ke segamat....dari pagi sampai malam...maybe kawasan lain pun sama. agak lama jgk tak hujan...last time hujan, kilat berdentum sampai bergegar atap umah...sib baik tak jadi apa2 and huby pun kat umah masa tu. kalu tak memang aku kaget nak buat apa. kalu sorang2 tak apa tapi anak2. bimbangkan depa.

tak nak cerita banyak2 utk entry kali ni...sbb dah lama tak berblogging so kena amek time dulu.

ja....

a day to celebrate

being pregnant and carrying baby inside ur womb for nine months is the most wonderful experience you ever had. seeing my little cousin, mohd haikal hafiz (born on 7th december) sure got me eager to have another. well...which not advised by my previous doctor. (she strongly told me not to get pregnant at least for another 5 years) ..

i could still recall both time when i hold my precious babies. fifi was so small compared to amani and she looked more fragile than her sister. i remember how loud fifi cried in the nursery (which woke up most of the babies) and the nurse told me, she was the loudest (well, even today). amani...well, she cried the first day and the nurse could not put her down until she was put beside me. then she sleep like a baby.

amani

fifi

there were much more memories about them which i'm sure every mum had and have not forgoten too..





to my dearest maksu,





congratulation for your newborn baby.

album lama

semalam menyibukkan diri dengan membelek albm lama. ada yg buat sengih sesorang, ada yg buat rasa terkilan and sedih. agaknya mungkin sbb dah lama tak jumpa kekawan lama, terus sayu semacam.

perasaan ingin bekerja semula tetiba je datang..terasa rindu lak. and kekadang buat rasa depressed pun ada.

something about the way daphne (bai boo magazine - gurdian) buat aku terpikir memacam. she said, 'there's no two way about it.'

you can choose to be a fulltime mother or a career mother. either way, you shouldnt have to feel oblighed coz at the end, it will not bring any happiness to u or to ur kids. parenting didnt stop when our kids got married..it stop when we close our eyes- something that i learned while spending too much time reading online. and yes, i do feel happy and lucky because i could watched every steps they took and every details of their life with me. i glad and thankful.

but i'm not perfect. and having this urge to go outside and work, have make me felt misrable inside coz i know deep down, i cannot trust anyone with my kids.

when i read capt's blog - there i was reminded. set my priorities...he always remind me (during my work days) and much more advise and wisdom of words that i have lately forgoten. there were some of his entry that make me think again and again how my life have been this past few years. how ups and downs gave me enough strength to smile again and not to feel regret on some things that have been in mind lately.

i have make the choice. and yes, i'm happy with my choice...

so, if i feel out of blue in future, remind me how precious life is..

happy oktober

wanna wish happy birthday

to my dearest friends and mentor

they are too precious to me

i pray and hope

may they have a blessing happiness

blessing life with their family and kids

blessing joy and serenity with their love one.

HFMD

hand, foot and mouth diseases..

i read about it...but i take it for granted. now? my two precious baby are being effected by it. alhamdullilah..both of them are getting better.

hfmd -

-boleh dijangkiti dgn mudah kpd kanak2 berusia 3 tahun kebawah.

-jangkitan melalui sentuhan secara langsung (direct contact from one person to another) dgn -lelehan dari hidung and tekak atau najis.

-lagi senang dijangkiti kalau di minggu pertama virus bermula.

tanda jangkitan?

- demam panas yg tinggi (>39 darjah)

- ruam lampin (amat ketara)

-bintik2 merah di tangan and kaki (mcm campak)

-ruam di tangan especially tapak tangan and kaki

-ulser mulut

-hilang selera makan, penat/ lesu, tak aktif

-restless di waktu malam

kesan?

boleh menyebabkan jangkitan paru2 and jantung (according to our doctor).

kalau jangkitan tak serius, biasanya akan ok selepas 10 hari...

anak akan hilang selera makan, susut berat badan, ulser mulut, tak boleh tido malam.

even ruam or bintik merah dah hilang tapi virus masih ada - and bole menyebabkan jangkitan.

susulan daripada jangkitan kedua boleh berlaku- kalau serius and perlu dipantau oleh parents.

komplikasi?

-if tak serius, boleh sihat dalam tempoh 7-10 hari.

- if not, infection boleh menyebabkan kematian...fatal.

my babies?

first time nampak bintik merah di tangan fifi and amani, aku ingatkan sbb kena gigit dek nyamuk or semut (maklmla baru balik dr beraya). then it became more serious bila bintik tu mcm berair. amani start demam, tapi aku duk ingatkan sbb berjangkit demam dari ayah depa. so aku bagi ubat demam mcm biasa. bila bintik di tangan fifi and amani makin ketara, fifi plak yg demam. that day, memang dia tak melompat mcm biasa. senyap jer tengok tv and lesu semcm. bila dah demam panas, aku ingatkan campak sbb bintik2 merah makin banyak and it seem like chicken pox. aku duk fikir, takkan campak lagi...huby pun start pikir yg sama. bila tangan and kaki amani makin ketara, pi check up..sbb takut kudis or allergic.

rupa2 dr cakap hfmd...aku time tu dah naik gabra..memang takut sangat sbb even aku dah pernah baca pasal ni tapi aku tak ingat kesan dia. ambik tak pusing sampailer kena dek anak sendiri. fifi langsung tak nak susu and makan sbb ulser mulut and blister. dr cakap tak serius lagi so kami kena tengok tiga simptom - tak aktif, muntah2 and sesak nafas. kalau ada tiga2 tanda ni, maknanya kena bawak pi pital and serius. perasaan aku? tak yah cakap la. ayah depa pun tak sampai hati tengok tangan and kaki fifi yg teramatla menyedihkan. susut berat badan dia. muka pun dah nampak kecik.

nasib baik amani tak serius mcm kakak dia. a few days jer bintik tu naik. lepas dah start mkn ubat, dia aktif mcm biasa, bintik pun dah tak ada. alhamdllilah. cuma fifi yg teruk skit. malam2 tak leh tido sbb duk garu..actually, tak bole di biarkan, so selalunya kami gosok jer. sian kat huby sbb terpaksa mengorbankan tido.

sudahla fifi ni susah sangat nak bagi makan ubat, lagila huby tak sampai hati nak suap. aku ler....kalu menangis pun, menangis la dalam hati. tak sampai hati tengok anak sakit mcm tu.

hari ni tengok fifi dah start menari2 balik. aku lega yang amat sangat. susu pun dah start minum semalam. alhamdullilah..cuma makan jer kurang lagi. bintik still ada and ada yg makin susut. ruam di punggung pun dah makin tak ada...lega sangat.

dr advised bagi makan ais krim sbb blister dalam mulut. air pun air sejuk, jgn panas or suam. fifi tido pun tak berbaju sbb gatal and panas. tak bole bagi dia dalam keadaan berpeluh, or else bintik2 merah akan memedihkan dia.

yg sedihnya, fifi tak bole bagitau kami kat mana dia sakit...apa yg dia rasa...haih..tetiba teringat time dia sakit kuning and being warded dulu. fragile sangat2...

so parents yg kat luar tu, take note la...mcm aku ni, ignorant sangat. bila dah jadi, mulala kalut baca apa yg ada...mula la sibuk simpan info..

selamat hari raya

selamat hri raya to all

hopefully this year bring ur a great joy and hapiness...

soyi yer terlambat wish..

raya tahn ni, yg sonoknyer tengok fifi and amani

yang tak sonoknyer bila handbag hilang bersertakan purse, camera and etc..huhuhu

nantiler kiter citer lagi k.

malam ni kasi intro dulu.