bz year?

next year insya Allah, we are going to welcome new members to the family.

no, i'm not pregnant...yet.

on my huby' side, this january i'll be busy preparing for my bro in law's engagement. seronok dapat buat hantarn for him..

wedding? maybe next year jgk but tak confirm bulan brapa..

on my side lak..insya Allah..my sis bulan march.

moga2 dipermudahkan...insya Allah.

lani otak tengah duk pikir nak decorate mcm mana utk hantaran my bro in law...

since the theme is pink, i need to be a bit more creative...yelah...pink tu....

anyway..may Allah bless these couple.

suprise from huby

i am suprised today...

dapat besday present from huby...

p/s: i'm sharing the same besday with jackson rathbone..(vampire jasper) huhuhu.except i'm older than he is lah

sweet

i remember one special occasion this month.

i remember the date

but i dont remember the day.

my huby, thank u sayang..... :)

wishing my birthday through facebook, so sweeetsss...

reverse role

fifi and amani...i'm not sure which one the eldest and youngest. reverse role betul budak2 ni...kalau dulu afifah yg garang and selalu nak pukul amani, nowdays, amani lak yang selalu duk kejar fifi dengan raket, rotan or apa shj yg ada di tangan.

kalau dulu amani yg lari terkedek2 ke dapur cari aku, lani fifi lak yg menyorok bawah kain aku. haih...

received sms from my schoolmate today...one of our friends died yesterday from an accident at grik...she was 3 months pregnant...may she rest in peace..al fatihah

my angel

fifi ada role baru dalam diari ibu dia...she will choose which t shirt or blouse for me to wear everytime we went out for outing....demand would be a better word to describe how she bossie me around these days..haih...

salam aidilfitri

salam aidilfitri...to those who text me, thank you...via cards, thank you..hope you guys having a wonderful aidilfitri this year with beloved family.

my daughter

fifi - during her medical check up.

while waiting for her turn, we played with a cute baby girl. what suprised me was that the way she acted towards the baby and how she hold those tiny little fingers so gently. suddenly one of the nurses asked her

nurse: kakak ifah nak baby tak?

fifi: nak (while looking at her and me)

nurse: cakap kat mamala nak baby

fifi: nak baby ( not asking me but at the baby's mother) hehehehe...

baby's mother: ala, baby ni tak bolehla..nanti acik tak leh tido malam.

clueless

I was a quick wet boy,

diving too deep for coins

All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys

Then when the cops closed the fair,

I cut my long baby hair

Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found youFlightless bird,

jealous,

weeping or lost you,

american mouth

Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat

Nursing my sore blunt tongue

Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks

Pissing on magazine photos

Those fishing lures thrown in the cold

And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found youFlightless bird,

grounded,

bleeding or lost you,

american mouth

Big pill stuck going down

can someone tell me what this song is all about??????????

fly away my little bird

touch my sorrow if you can feel my pain

blow away my pain if you can touch my heart

paint me with rainbow if you can see my soul

bleed me if you cant see any

words...so many voices in my head...cram me with headache. how long have i put my imagination away so it can came into my head like flowless river? i have the urge to write what have been playing in my mind. and somehow, my hand felt lifeless..

so many voices......

hate me

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you.

Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

unexpected

changes

is there a limitation to what that can be change?

or restriction on what can or cannot be change?

i feel hopeless sometimes

whenever changes happen

not knowing what the best for myself

more than often questioning myself

if its the right one for me

my little garden

actually dah start since bulan 3 lagi. lani baru nampak hasil. inilah keja aku pepagi bila makcik sanniah datang tolong kemaskan umah. adala dalam 54 guni aka pokok. yg seronoknya bila berkebun ni time apa yg kita tanam tumbuh and menjadi. alhamdullilah, dapatla merasa hasil sendiri.

new pics

upload from my hphone. today fifi dah start tak tidur petang. nampaknya kena pandai2 ler aku cari apa yg nak kena buat. kesian dia main sorang2 bila amani tido. and lately fifi asyik panggil aku popah jer (opah). haih...

****

mana2 kami pi, mesti org akan tegur - dua beradik ni lain2 ek...sorang rambut lurus, sorang kerinting...

during my visit to my maksu's house for kenduri tahlil, maksu pun tegur (maybe sbb dia dah lama tak tengok fifi) - eh, mcm maria la...

ok....

i guess, kekadang tu betul jgk org tua kata. time aku pregnantkan fifi dulu pun asyik berangin je dgn maria. rasa menyampah ada, geram ada, memacam ler...mek dah pernah cakap, jgn ada rasa mcm tu karang terkenan anak tu..

aper pun, adala jgk iras skit2

and fifi mmng ikut ayah dia -dari muka, rambut, perangai..seme ikut ayah dia. sbb tu lah dia anak ayah.

tanya hati

in my previous entry ada citer pasal dapat offer cikgu ganti kan? tapi tak dapat. sbb? rupanya nak kena pasang kabel baru dapat...aku yg ignorant bab2 ni, lurus bendul pi pejabat pendidikan daerah utk apply. ingatkan okla tapi rupanya aku sepatutnya jmpa kerani sekolah tu, bg dia yg tlg settlekan dgn pengetua. ooo.....baru tahu tapi tak apala. tak ada rezeki. maybe next time.


hari ni asyik pikir nak start keja balik jer. tak tau kenapa. lebih2 lak bila tahu kwn2 aku ramai jadi ppd. alahai....itu angan2 time study in case tak dapat nak continue jadi lecture..tapi aku lak duk umah.


kawn time sek dulu adala tipon aku tanya kabor. dia kata apasal ler aku duk umah padahal dulu bagai nak rak study nak masuk u. bila dah abis u duk umah lak. so hari ni bila ingat balik apa yg dia cakap, aku kompius gak.


last2 aku bagitau diri sendiri - tanya la hati tu...kalu rasa dah tak takut nak lepas ank kat org lain, applyla mana2..haih

al fatihah

ada banyak cerita yg hendak dikongsikan tapi otak tak boleh berjalan mcm biasa.


hari ni tetiba teringatkan insiden 4 tahun lepas..time my uncle masuk icu. di waiting room hospital universiti, berjumpa dengan satu family- wife yg sarat mengandung, 2 anak and her parent menunggu utk melawat suami yg sakit. i cant remember arwah sakit apa...lagipun tak tergamak rasanya nak bertanya lebih time tu melihatkan kakak tu yg pucat tapi masih boleh tersenyum.

hari terakhir berada di wad, mendapat tahu yg si suami meninggal dunia pada hari kakak itu melahirkan anak mereka ke 3.


kita yg mendengar terasa pedih, tapi tidak sepedih yg dirasa oleh kakak itu.....





al-fatihah buat arwah. al fatihah buat arwah abg adi..

lonely

ever since i'm at home

i never really felt lonely

the time flew away

when i'm with my kids

last month

i felt lonely

my aunt passed away

i was depressed

havent seen my babies the whole day

locked myself in a room

alone

feeling regret

i can never visit her again

feeling guilty

for i have not seen her for four years

hating for myself

for not knowing that she was hospitalized

i felt lonely

and it was painful.

and i felt it again this month..

i'm not really know arwah

somehow

i felt lonely

because i am here

i am not there

i dont know what to do

what to say

what to write

what to ask

freaking mother

me and huby, plan nak antar fifi tadika next year. we chosed yg islamic punya and lokasi pun ok. what concern me the most is that - I AM NOT PREPARE TO LET MY BABY GO........

you can call me whatever name you want. i guess i am a freaking mother. anxious in other hand, freak out another. this is another BIG step that fifi have to go and somehow i' afraid.

***
mcm ari ni....opah depa bawak fifi pi JB (aunt my huby duk kat kempas)- bukannya dia pi bermalam tapi aku risau (walaupun aku tak perlu risau lagipun fifi pun pernah dijaga oleh opah dia)...rasa rindu nak dengar suara dia pun ada sejak dari kul 2.30 ptg till now..haih.

***

yesterday ada org tanyakan sama ada aku leh jadi cikg ganti ... dalam hati? memang nak and dah terima pun tapi at the same time, naper rasa berat hati nak tinggalkan anak padahal sekolah dekat and sampai tengahari jer pun....pasal aperla aku jadi mcm ni.

huby: panggil ibu

nani: bobo...bobo...(our cat)

***

huby: ibu, pukul kakak ni

fifi: no no no...(sambil hentak kaki or peluk tubuh)

****

me: nani, panggil kakak

nani: nani....mama...

***

me: kakak, mana nani? (with my eyes close)

fifi: nani, where ar u..

***

me: kakak, sori sori...

fifi: soi soi...(sambil menari super junior)

***

huby: bye bye

nani: bye bye, uh uh (love u)

***

huby: assalamualaikum

nani: sakum, bye bye, uh uh

***
my first baby dah besar...dah pandai makan sendiri, dah pandai tolak sayur bagi kat adik. dah pandai tak cemburu sangat dengan adik. dah pandai ambik pampers and tuang bedak siap2. dah pandai mandi sendiri, tak payah nak simbahkan...dah pandai pilih baju cantik yg nak dipakai..dah pandai pujuk aku...dah pandai buat muka..haih..........

nani? semua dah pandai ikut kakak. merajuk lari dalam bilik, duk atas katil sampai nak kena pujuk. dah pandai pukul and tendang kakak dia. dah pandai main acah2 dgn kakak sampai gaduh. dah pandai minta itu ini...dah pandai bodek. haih....

bila dah besar mcm ni, teringat masa depa kecik. bila tengok gambar time depa baby, terasa sebak pun ada...terasa berbaloi duk umah melayan karenah walaupun penat gila lani sbb dua2 dah pandai demand....

fibroid - part II

here it come again. my husband's aunt will be having her fibroid operation tomorrow. she was worried and concern about it. who will not? this worried me too since i have not scan mine...it was 11 cm and i'm not sure sama ada perlu dibuang fibroid shj atau fibroid and rahim...

fibriod is not something that can be ignored or pandang sebelah mata. most of us tak sedar simpton and kesannya. actually, it can be a serious problem for women above 40 years old as it can lead into cancer.

among the simptons are :

1-Heavy Vaginal Bleeding — excessive menstrual bleeding that can develop anemia, low blood count. one of the article that i read also described that if we are having menstrual pain or senggugut yg serius, haid tak teratur or skit pun bole menyumbang kepada fibroid. (check this website - http://www.hamidarshat.com

2- Pelvic Pressure or Discomfort — heaviness or pressure in the lower abdomen or pelvis. this kind of simptom mcm terasa pregnant. as i recall, when i was 6 months pregnant and above, my abdomen terasa berat- maybe mcm tu kut.

3-Bladder Changes — urinate more frequently.

4- Low back pain

5- Rectal Pressure — difficulty having a bowel movement

not bad

dah lama tak update blog- modem ada masalah and seterusnya membawa kepada tamatnya pakej broadband yg aku pakai..semenya sbb modem and connection yg lembab..maybe sbb aku duk kawasan estet...so signal agak weak. bertukar kepada 1515 tmnet, not bad....walaupun tahap kelajuan dia tak sama dengan 3G celcom tapi alhamdullilah, so far (baru 2 hari pakai) laju jgk and no problem.

bulan ni merupakan bulan yg paling panas sejak kami berpindah ke segamat....dari pagi sampai malam...maybe kawasan lain pun sama. agak lama jgk tak hujan...last time hujan, kilat berdentum sampai bergegar atap umah...sib baik tak jadi apa2 and huby pun kat umah masa tu. kalu tak memang aku kaget nak buat apa. kalu sorang2 tak apa tapi anak2. bimbangkan depa.

tak nak cerita banyak2 utk entry kali ni...sbb dah lama tak berblogging so kena amek time dulu.

ja....