Dunia Ibu Fifi & Amani

adios...

2010-07-08T15:49:00.003+08:00

last entry for this year..and years ahead.

when i first started blogging, it was for fun. but recently, been tired and i hate to explain things that not everybody should know. so thank you.

have a nice, blessing life..may Allah swt bless you all.

:)

This is ME..

2010-06-03T23:26:00.002+08:00

degil..

tak pernah nak faham perasaan org lain..

keras hati...

pentingkan diri sendiri?

is this me?

i am what i am... maybe i am all above. maybe i myself dont understand myself. but i do know me..

ada org tahu ke yg aku ni jenis pendendam? yg aku ni jenis simpan dalam hati sampai berkarat, sampai bernanah, sampai berdarah? no....tak ramai yg tahu...

ada org tahu ke aku ni jenis tadah emotional burden? tak ada... sbb aku sendiri tak tahu mcm mana nak bagitau org lain apa yg aku rasa sebenar..most of it terkurung dalam kotak. bila aku bukak, aku sendiri yg menangis sbb tak ada org faham...siapa yg nak faham kalau diri sendiri tutup kotak tu rapat2 kan...

tapi ini aku.... this is me. please try to understand...ada sebb kenapa aku berdiam. jgn dipaksa minta aku faham org lain sedangkan org lain tak cuba nak faham aku. jgn minta aku bukak pintu hati yg kering ni sbb dah terlalu lama kering...biar aku tadah mcm mana pun, bila aku dah sakit, aku tak bole berlakon aku sihat. bila aku dah putus asa pada harapan yg sedikit, there is no turning point for me anymore.

let me be me..let me be happy for the sake of me. let me open my box little by little.

i guess...i can wait...

2010-05-26T23:02:00.002+08:00

i can understand...

and i know i have to give some time for you to settle down

but this heart insist to hear your voice...

to know that u are ok...

to know that u can cry with me

to know that you can share every single bit of your tears..

i really want to hear your voice...

i really need to stop this aching heart of mine..

am i selfish

the same old me

2010-05-24T17:51:00.003+08:00

i'm still the same old me k...noticing some of my old friends keep insisting that i LOOK different (well..age does play some role) and that MY OLD SELF also changing..which i dont i am..am i? nay...still clumsy as ever, impatient as ever, moody- well..it does change a bit..

i'm still the same..believe me..

hotzzz

2010-03-29T22:40:00.002+08:00

dah lama tak ujan kat segamat ni...malam ni ujan sat jer.....

what new in my life?

2010-03-01T23:22:00.002+08:00

havent been updating my blog for awhile uh. been busy with my kids and trying to get my hands on flower dipping..much to my regret, it was indeed a tricky process and i've been very frustrated as the time goes by. haih..newey..am not going to give up, not when i'm planning to have MY dip flowers for my bro in law's hantaran...i can understand why people charging rm 15 and above for ONE dip flower..it was indeed a frustrating process (or it just me?).

hantaran pertunangan my bro in law

2010-01-18T22:34:00.005+08:00

bekas cincin

hantaran buah

wish i could do more...but alhamdullilah....done it with budget given and thankful that the ceremony went well for both parties.

komppius

2010-01-16T00:09:00.001+08:00

tak tau nak cakap apa...

otak tak jalan bab2 ni

bingung sebenarnya

nak nasihat pun tak reti

sakit kepala lak pikir benda2 ni

haih...

bz year?

2009-12-28T23:14:00.003+08:00

next year insya Allah, we are going to welcome new members to the family.

no, i'm not pregnant...yet.

on my huby' side, this january i'll be busy preparing for my bro in law's engagement. seronok dapat buat hantarn for him..

wedding? maybe next year jgk but tak confirm bulan brapa..

on my side lak..insya Allah..my sis bulan march.

moga2 dipermudahkan...insya Allah.

lani otak tengah duk pikir nak decorate mcm mana utk hantaran my bro in law...

since the theme is pink, i need to be a bit more creative...yelah...pink tu....

anyway..may Allah bless these couple.

suprise from huby

2009-12-21T22:30:00.004+08:00

i am suprised today...

dapat besday present from huby...

p/s: i'm sharing the same besday with jackson rathbone..(vampire jasper) huhuhu.except i'm older than he is lah

sweet

2009-12-21T00:15:00.002+08:00

i remember one special occasion this month.

i remember the date

but i dont remember the day.

my huby, thank u sayang..... :)

wishing my birthday through facebook, so sweeetsss...

reverse role

2009-12-20T23:21:00.002+08:00

fifi and amani...i'm not sure which one the eldest and youngest. reverse role betul budak2 ni...kalau dulu afifah yg garang and selalu nak pukul amani, nowdays, amani lak yang selalu duk kejar fifi dengan raket, rotan or apa shj yg ada di tangan.

kalau dulu amani yg lari terkedek2 ke dapur cari aku, lani fifi lak yg menyorok bawah kain aku. haih...

2009-11-29T15:57:00.002+08:00

received sms from my schoolmate today...one of our friends died yesterday from an accident at grik...she was 3 months pregnant...may she rest in peace..al fatihah

my angel

2009-10-24T16:05:00.002+08:00

fifi ada role baru dalam diari ibu dia...she will choose which t shirt or blouse for me to wear everytime we went out for outing....demand would be a better word to describe how she bossie me around these days..haih...

salam aidilfitri

2009-09-29T00:53:00.002+08:00

salam aidilfitri...to those who text me, thank you...via cards, thank you..hope you guys having a wonderful aidilfitri this year with beloved family.

my daughter

2009-09-08T23:09:00.005+08:00

fifi - during her medical check up.

while waiting for her turn, we played with a cute baby girl. what suprised me was that the way she acted towards the baby and how she hold those tiny little fingers so gently. suddenly one of the nurses asked her

nurse: kakak ifah nak baby tak?

fifi: nak (while looking at her and me)

nurse: cakap kat mamala nak baby

fifi: nak baby ( not asking me but at the baby's mother) hehehehe...

baby's mother: ala, baby ni tak bolehla..nanti acik tak leh tido malam.

clueless

2009-08-07T02:43:00.001+08:00

I was a quick wet boy,

diving too deep for coins

All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys

Then when the cops closed the fair,

I cut my long baby hair

Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found youFlightless bird,

jealous,

weeping or lost you,

american mouth

Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat

Nursing my sore blunt tongue

Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks

Pissing on magazine photos

Those fishing lures thrown in the cold

And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found youFlightless bird,

grounded,

bleeding or lost you,

american mouth

Big pill stuck going down

can someone tell me what this song is all about??????????

fly away my little bird

2009-08-07T02:32:00.002+08:00

touch my sorrow if you can feel my pain

blow away my pain if you can touch my heart

paint me with rainbow if you can see my soul

bleed me if you cant see any

words...so many voices in my head...cram me with headache. how long have i put my imagination away so it can came into my head like flowless river? i have the urge to write what have been playing in my mind. and somehow, my hand felt lifeless..

so many voices......

hate me

2009-08-07T02:27:00.002+08:00

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you.

Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

unexpected

2009-08-04T00:36:00.003+08:00

changes

is there a limitation to what that can be change?

or restriction on what can or cannot be change?

i feel hopeless sometimes

whenever changes happen

not knowing what the best for myself

my little garden

2009-07-04T23:11:00.005+08:00

actually dah start since bulan 3 lagi. lani baru nampak hasil. inilah keja aku pepagi bila makcik sanniah datang tolong kemaskan umah. adala dalam 54 guni aka pokok. yg seronoknya bila berkebun ni time apa yg kita tanam tumbuh and menjadi. alhamdullilah, dapatla merasa hasil sendiri.

new pics

2009-07-04T22:59:00.005+08:00

upload from my hphone. today fifi dah start tak tidur petang. nampaknya kena pandai2 ler aku cari apa yg nak kena buat. kesian dia main sorang2 bila amani tido. and lately fifi asyik panggil aku popah jer (opah). haih...

****

mana2 kami pi, mesti org akan tegur - dua beradik ni lain2 ek...sorang rambut lurus, sorang kerinting...

during my visit to my maksu's house for kenduri tahlil, maksu pun tegur (maybe sbb dia dah lama tak tengok fifi) - eh, mcm maria la...

ok....

i guess, kekadang tu betul jgk org tua kata. time aku pregnantkan fifi dulu pun asyik berangin je dgn maria. rasa menyampah ada, geram ada, memacam ler...mek dah pernah cakap, jgn ada rasa mcm tu karang terkenan anak tu..

aper pun, adala jgk iras skit2

and fifi mmng ikut ayah dia -dari muka, rambut, perangai..seme ikut ayah dia. sbb tu lah dia anak ayah.

tanya hati

2009-06-27T00:55:00.003+08:00

in my previous entry ada citer pasal dapat offer cikgu ganti kan? tapi tak dapat. sbb? rupanya nak kena pasang kabel baru dapat...aku yg ignorant bab2 ni, lurus bendul pi pejabat pendidikan daerah utk apply. ingatkan okla tapi rupanya aku sepatutnya jmpa kerani sekolah tu, bg dia yg tlg settlekan dgn pengetua. ooo.....baru tahu tapi tak apala. tak ada rezeki. maybe next time.

hari ni asyik pikir nak start keja balik jer. tak tau kenapa. lebih2 lak bila tahu kwn2 aku ramai jadi ppd. alahai....itu angan2 time study in case tak dapat nak continue jadi lecture..tapi aku lak duk umah.

kawn time sek dulu adala tipon aku tanya kabor. dia kata apasal ler aku duk umah padahal dulu bagai nak rak study nak masuk u. bila dah abis u duk umah lak. so hari ni bila ingat balik apa yg dia cakap, aku kompius gak.

last2 aku bagitau diri sendiri - tanya la hati tu...kalu rasa dah tak takut nak lepas ank kat org lain, applyla mana2..haih

al fatihah

2009-06-23T23:37:00.005+08:00

ada banyak cerita yg hendak dikongsikan tapi otak tak boleh berjalan mcm biasa.

hari ni tetiba teringatkan insiden 4 tahun lepas..time my uncle masuk icu. di waiting room hospital universiti, berjumpa dengan satu family- wife yg sarat mengandung, 2 anak and her parent menunggu utk melawat suami yg sakit. i cant remember arwah sakit apa...lagipun tak tergamak rasanya nak bertanya lebih time tu melihatkan kakak tu yg pucat tapi masih boleh tersenyum.

hari terakhir berada di wad, mendapat tahu yg si suami meninggal dunia pada hari kakak itu melahirkan anak mereka ke 3.

kita yg mendengar terasa pedih, tapi tidak sepedih yg dirasa oleh kakak itu.....

al-fatihah buat arwah. al fatihah buat arwah abg adi..

lonely

2009-06-19T00:32:00.004+08:00

ever since i'm at home

i never really felt lonely

the time flew away

when i'm with my kids

last month

i felt lonely

my aunt passed away

i was depressed

havent seen my babies the whole day

locked myself in a room

alone

feeling regret

i can never visit her again

feeling guilty

for i have not seen her for four years

hating for myself

for not knowing that she was hospitalized

i felt lonely

and it was painful.

and i felt it again this month..

i'm not really know arwah

somehow

i felt lonely

because i am here

i am not there

i dont know what to do

what to say

what to write

what to ask

freaking mother

2009-05-30T22:14:00.003+08:00

me and huby, plan nak antar fifi tadika next year. we chosed yg islamic punya and lokasi pun ok. what concern me the most is that - I AM NOT PREPARE TO LET MY BABY GO........

you can call me whatever name you want. i guess i am a freaking mother. anxious in other hand, freak out another. this is another BIG step that fifi have to go and somehow i' afraid.

***
mcm ari ni....opah depa bawak fifi pi JB (aunt my huby duk kat kempas)- bukannya dia pi bermalam tapi aku risau (walaupun aku tak perlu risau lagipun fifi pun pernah dijaga oleh opah dia)...rasa rindu nak dengar suara dia pun ada sejak dari kul 2.30 ptg till now..haih.

***

yesterday ada org tanyakan sama ada aku leh jadi cikg ganti ... dalam hati? memang nak and dah terima pun tapi at the same time, naper rasa berat hati nak tinggalkan anak padahal sekolah dekat and sampai tengahari jer pun....pasal aperla aku jadi mcm ni.

2009-05-24T23:20:00.004+08:00

huby: panggil ibu

nani: bobo...bobo...(our cat)

***

huby: ibu, pukul kakak ni

fifi: no no no...(sambil hentak kaki or peluk tubuh)

****

me: nani, panggil kakak

nani: nani....mama...

***

me: kakak, mana nani? (with my eyes close)

fifi: nani, where ar u..

***

me: kakak, sori sori...

fifi: soi soi...(sambil menari super junior)

***

huby: bye bye

nani: bye bye, uh uh (love u)

***

huby: assalamualaikum

nani: sakum, bye bye, uh uh

***
my first baby dah besar...dah pandai makan sendiri, dah pandai tolak sayur bagi kat adik. dah pandai tak cemburu sangat dengan adik. dah pandai ambik pampers and tuang bedak siap2. dah pandai mandi sendiri, tak payah nak simbahkan...dah pandai pilih baju cantik yg nak dipakai..dah pandai pujuk aku...dah pandai buat muka..haih..........

nani? semua dah pandai ikut kakak. merajuk lari dalam bilik, duk atas katil sampai nak kena pujuk. dah pandai pukul and tendang kakak dia. dah pandai main acah2 dgn kakak sampai gaduh. dah pandai minta itu ini...dah pandai bodek. haih....

bila dah besar mcm ni, teringat masa depa kecik. bila tengok gambar time depa baby, terasa sebak pun ada...terasa berbaloi duk umah melayan karenah walaupun penat gila lani sbb dua2 dah pandai demand....

fibroid - part II

2009-05-03T23:00:00.003+08:00

here it come again. my husband's aunt will be having her fibroid operation tomorrow. she was worried and concern about it. who will not? this worried me too since i have not scan mine...it was 11 cm and i'm not sure sama ada perlu dibuang fibroid shj atau fibroid and rahim...

fibriod is not something that can be ignored or pandang sebelah mata. most of us tak sedar simpton and kesannya. actually, it can be a serious problem for women above 40 years old as it can lead into cancer.

among the simptons are :

1-Heavy Vaginal Bleeding — excessive menstrual bleeding that can develop anemia, low blood count. one of the article that i read also described that if we are having menstrual pain or senggugut yg serius, haid tak teratur or skit pun bole menyumbang kepada fibroid. (check this website - http://www.hamidarshat.com

2- Pelvic Pressure or Discomfort — heaviness or pressure in the lower abdomen or pelvis. this kind of simptom mcm terasa pregnant. as i recall, when i was 6 months pregnant and above, my abdomen terasa berat- maybe mcm tu kut.

3-Bladder Changes — urinate more frequently.

4- Low back pain

5- Rectal Pressure — difficulty having a bowel movement

not bad

2009-04-25T23:36:00.002+08:00

dah lama tak update blog- modem ada masalah and seterusnya membawa kepada tamatnya pakej broadband yg aku pakai..semenya sbb modem and connection yg lembab..maybe sbb aku duk kawasan estet...so signal agak weak. bertukar kepada 1515 tmnet, not bad....walaupun tahap kelajuan dia tak sama dengan 3G celcom tapi alhamdullilah, so far (baru 2 hari pakai) laju jgk and no problem.

bulan ni merupakan bulan yg paling panas sejak kami berpindah ke segamat....dari pagi sampai malam...maybe kawasan lain pun sama. agak lama jgk tak hujan...last time hujan, kilat berdentum sampai bergegar atap umah...sib baik tak jadi apa2 and huby pun kat umah masa tu. kalu tak memang aku kaget nak buat apa. kalu sorang2 tak apa tapi anak2. bimbangkan depa.

tak nak cerita banyak2 utk entry kali ni...sbb dah lama tak berblogging so kena amek time dulu.

ja....

a day to celebrate

2008-12-11T00:54:00.004+08:00

being pregnant and carrying baby inside ur womb for nine months is the most wonderful experience you ever had. seeing my little cousin, mohd haikal hafiz (born on 7th december) sure got me eager to have another. well...which not advised by my previous doctor. (she strongly told me not to get pregnant at least for another 5 years) ..

i could still recall both time when i hold my precious babies. fifi was so small compared to amani and she looked more fragile than her sister. i remember how loud fifi cried in the nursery (which woke up most of the babies) and the nurse told me, she was the loudest (well, even today). amani...well, she cried the first day and the nurse could not put her down until she was put beside me. then she sleep like a baby.

amani

fifi

there were much more memories about them which i'm sure every mum had and have not forgoten too..

to my dearest maksu,

congratulation for your newborn baby.

album lama

2008-11-24T15:55:00.003+08:00

semalam menyibukkan diri dengan membelek albm lama. ada yg buat sengih sesorang, ada yg buat rasa terkilan and sedih. agaknya mungkin sbb dah lama tak jumpa kekawan lama, terus sayu semacam.

perasaan ingin bekerja semula tetiba je datang..terasa rindu lak. and kekadang buat rasa depressed pun ada.

something about the way daphne (bai boo magazine - gurdian) buat aku terpikir memacam. she said, 'there's no two way about it.'

you can choose to be a fulltime mother or a career mother. either way, you shouldnt have to feel oblighed coz at the end, it will not bring any happiness to u or to ur kids. parenting didnt stop when our kids got married..it stop when we close our eyes- something that i learned while spending too much time reading online. and yes, i do feel happy and lucky because i could watched every steps they took and every details of their life with me. i glad and thankful.

but i'm not perfect. and having this urge to go outside and work, have make me felt misrable inside coz i know deep down, i cannot trust anyone with my kids.

when i read capt's blog - there i was reminded. set my priorities...he always remind me (during my work days) and much more advise and wisdom of words that i have lately forgoten. there were some of his entry that make me think again and again how my life have been this past few years. how ups and downs gave me enough strength to smile again and not to feel regret on some things that have been in mind lately.

i have make the choice. and yes, i'm happy with my choice...

so, if i feel out of blue in future, remind me how precious life is..

happy oktober

2008-10-31T23:22:00.002+08:00

wanna wish happy birthday

to my dearest friends and mentor

they are too precious to me

i pray and hope

may they have a blessing happiness

blessing life with their family and kids

blessing joy and serenity with their love one.

HFMD

2008-10-20T00:18:00.004+08:00

hand, foot and mouth diseases..

i read about it...but i take it for granted. now? my two precious baby are being effected by it. alhamdullilah..both of them are getting better.

hfmd -

-boleh dijangkiti dgn mudah kpd kanak2 berusia 3 tahun kebawah.

-jangkitan melalui sentuhan secara langsung (direct contact from one person to another) dgn -lelehan dari hidung and tekak atau najis.

-lagi senang dijangkiti kalau di minggu pertama virus bermula.

tanda jangkitan?

- demam panas yg tinggi (>39 darjah)

- ruam lampin (amat ketara)

-bintik2 merah di tangan and kaki (mcm campak)

-ruam di tangan especially tapak tangan and kaki

-ulser mulut

-hilang selera makan, penat/ lesu, tak aktif

-restless di waktu malam

kesan?

boleh menyebabkan jangkitan paru2 and jantung (according to our doctor).

kalau jangkitan tak serius, biasanya akan ok selepas 10 hari...

anak akan hilang selera makan, susut berat badan, ulser mulut, tak boleh tido malam.

even ruam or bintik merah dah hilang tapi virus masih ada - and bole menyebabkan jangkitan.

susulan daripada jangkitan kedua boleh berlaku- kalau serius and perlu dipantau oleh parents.

komplikasi?

-if tak serius, boleh sihat dalam tempoh 7-10 hari.

- if not, infection boleh menyebabkan kematian...fatal.

my babies?

first time nampak bintik merah di tangan fifi and amani, aku ingatkan sbb kena gigit dek nyamuk or semut (maklmla baru balik dr beraya). then it became more serious bila bintik tu mcm berair. amani start demam, tapi aku duk ingatkan sbb berjangkit demam dari ayah depa. so aku bagi ubat demam mcm biasa. bila bintik di tangan fifi and amani makin ketara, fifi plak yg demam. that day, memang dia tak melompat mcm biasa. senyap jer tengok tv and lesu semcm. bila dah demam panas, aku ingatkan campak sbb bintik2 merah makin banyak and it seem like chicken pox. aku duk fikir, takkan campak lagi...huby pun start pikir yg sama. bila tangan and kaki amani makin ketara, pi check up..sbb takut kudis or allergic.

rupa2 dr cakap hfmd...aku time tu dah naik gabra..memang takut sangat sbb even aku dah pernah baca pasal ni tapi aku tak ingat kesan dia. ambik tak pusing sampailer kena dek anak sendiri. fifi langsung tak nak susu and makan sbb ulser mulut and blister. dr cakap tak serius lagi so kami kena tengok tiga simptom - tak aktif, muntah2 and sesak nafas. kalau ada tiga2 tanda ni, maknanya kena bawak pi pital and serius. perasaan aku? tak yah cakap la. ayah depa pun tak sampai hati tengok tangan and kaki fifi yg teramatla menyedihkan. susut berat badan dia. muka pun dah nampak kecik.

nasib baik amani tak serius mcm kakak dia. a few days jer bintik tu naik. lepas dah start mkn ubat, dia aktif mcm biasa, bintik pun dah tak ada. alhamdllilah. cuma fifi yg teruk skit. malam2 tak leh tido sbb duk garu..actually, tak bole di biarkan, so selalunya kami gosok jer. sian kat huby sbb terpaksa mengorbankan tido.

sudahla fifi ni susah sangat nak bagi makan ubat, lagila huby tak sampai hati nak suap. aku ler....kalu menangis pun, menangis la dalam hati. tak sampai hati tengok anak sakit mcm tu.

hari ni tengok fifi dah start menari2 balik. aku lega yang amat sangat. susu pun dah start minum semalam. alhamdullilah..cuma makan jer kurang lagi. bintik still ada and ada yg makin susut. ruam di punggung pun dah makin tak ada...lega sangat.

dr advised bagi makan ais krim sbb blister dalam mulut. air pun air sejuk, jgn panas or suam. fifi tido pun tak berbaju sbb gatal and panas. tak bole bagi dia dalam keadaan berpeluh, or else bintik2 merah akan memedihkan dia.

yg sedihnya, fifi tak bole bagitau kami kat mana dia sakit...apa yg dia rasa...haih..tetiba teringat time dia sakit kuning and being warded dulu. fragile sangat2...

so parents yg kat luar tu, take note la...mcm aku ni, ignorant sangat. bila dah jadi, mulala kalut baca apa yg ada...mula la sibuk simpan info..

selamat hari raya

2008-10-13T23:00:00.002+08:00

selamat hri raya to all

hopefully this year bring ur a great joy and hapiness...

soyi yer terlambat wish..

raya tahn ni, yg sonoknyer tengok fifi and amani

yang tak sonoknyer bila handbag hilang bersertakan purse, camera and etc..huhuhu

nantiler kiter citer lagi k.

malam ni kasi intro dulu.

permata hati ibu and ayah

2008-08-29T23:21:00.002+08:00

amani - sama tak dgn kakak dia?

cold

2008-08-20T00:51:00.002+08:00

nak tido tapi takleh tido

mata dah ngantuk ni tapi rasa mcm berat sangat nak bum bum

badan memang rasa penat sbb otak rasa penat sangat

nape ek?

sbb anak2 bertuah aku demam...dua2 lak tu...

demam selsema lak tu

penat.... aku pun rasa mcm nak demam ni

tulunnn

double joy

2008-08-19T00:51:00.003+08:00

hepi sesangat ari ni sbb jeng jeng

first time ever i heard amani called me eebu..hahaha. yelah, selama ni duk panggil aku yah yah.. amani's first word was ayah. amazing kan? walaupun dalam nada yg mcm marah sbb nak lepaskan yah tu..unlike fifi, her first word was bubu.. sejuk tul badan ibu yg mengandung. actually tak kisahla mana2 pun, kan?

second, today she took 3 steps forward (yes! she's finally start to walk) toward me without holding my hand. walla. only when she realized that she was not holding my hand or kerusi then she panic and fall down. and yes, she was smiling. :)

teringat time fifi mula2 berjalan. fifi ni lain skit. agak malu nak tunjuk yg dia bole jalan depan aku or her ayah. selalunya nak kena pegang tangan baru nak jalan. istimewanya fifi ni, dia hanya akan jalan sorang2 without holding anything when the light was off. adala one night hubby pura2 tido (memang huby yg tidokan anak sulung) and fifi lak merangkak ke bilik. tiba2 jer huby tengok fifi berjalan ke arah huby perlahan2. tup2 jer dah ada depan mata. punyala terkejut huby time tu. sejak ari tu fifi jalan sendiri. sweet kan?

incidents

2008-08-19T00:32:00.002+08:00

1st incident:

i gave amani serai to play with when i want to cook lunch last week. it give me some time or else i have to play with her. lagipun dia duk tarik baju aku...so kena bagi something yg boleh ralitkan dia. selalunya amani main drum dgn serai tu. tapi that day special skit. without me noticing it she went to the living room where her sister was. they end up with a lot of screaming as fifi tried to grab 'serai' from amani. i noticed two things since that day. amani is a lot stronger and fast. u can never imagine how fast she run with her walker towards the kichen and her face was full of determination to get to me as fast as she can. walla...when she reached me, she have this cicky smiles that i dont know how to response. her sis? menangis ler sbb tak dapat tarik serai dari tangan amani. aku? haih...

2nd incident:

i was washing our aquarium with makcik sanniah help. sementara nak nunggu air penuh dalam tangki, makcik sanniah went out to help me jemurkan baju. nak dijadikan cerita pintu cermin tak ditutup rapat. risaukan anak2 kucing masuk aku sruh ler fifi tutupkan pintu. selalunya dia tutup tak kunci tapi hari tu fifi pi kuncikan pintu lak. imagine betapa paniknya makcik sanniah kat luar pintu bila aku panggil dia. rupanya fifi lock terus. aku time tu tengah duk pegang paip air and for sureler air dah melimpah mcm sungai. alahai..bila aku surh fifi bukak pintu, fifi lak lari menceceh ke kerusi sbb panik tengok air, siap menjerit takut lagi. respon aku? emmm tak reti dah nak cakap per.

3rd incident:

aku marahkan fifi yg pukul amani tapi sudahnya amani marah aku balik dgn hentak2 tangan atas walker dia. siap jeling lagi bila aku duk diam. respon aku? mmmmm

4th incident:

huby tolong urutkan belakang aku (sejak last week asyik berangin jer badan gara2 makan laksa tak ingat dunia and tak ingat nak pantang kan). ada ler aku menjerit skit sbb sakit. yg si kakak fifi lak duk jerit2 kat aku. ingatkan aku gaduh dgn ayah dia. without me knowing it, fifi pi gigit lengan aku...respon aku? sakit giler, huhuhu.

haih...poning poning...nak gelak pun ada.

wedding

2008-08-17T00:09:00.002+08:00

to zai and sid

happy wedding day

may Allah bless your newfound hapiness

may your wedding last forever

may you found the hapiness that you're looking for

sid - am sorry for not be able to be there on your special day. i pray for you and your new family. glad that you two married!!!

rompin

2008-08-11T23:53:00.002+08:00

last friday huby bawak pi holiday ke kuala rompin. dah lama tak amek cuti and amek kesempatan cuti ahad (for zai's wedding) to rest instead.

original plan nak ke Summerset tapi sbb tak nak terlebih budgt we choose Rompin Beach Resort.

it took us about 2 hours and after dah pening2 pusing kami pun sampaila kat tempat yg last minute dituju. the rate was just nice and we just focus on one thing - to let fifi plays with water as long as she wants.

after check in, terus ayah depa bwk pi swimming. fifi? tak yah cakap ler...excited sesangat sampai telan ayaq banyak. tak amek gambar pun sbb ibu depa pun duk excited mandi sama.huhuhu.

dah penat mandi, pi pantai lak kat belakang chalet..not bad tapi mcm sunyi sesangat. bagi budak2 ni main pasir jap terus balik bilik- penat.

petang tu pi pantai hiburan - dekat jer dari resort (2km) and pekena rojak ayam, laksa and abc- kalu bole memang nak pekena rojak depa lagi. org pun lebih ramai kat sini- memang jadi tumpuan. so jalan2 and rest...si ibu hapy ler sbb dah lama tak cuti ngan huby kan...

mlm tu fifi demam..maybe sbb terminum air kolam..sepanjang malam berkepit dgn ayah dia. tak mau aku peluk pun..sudahnya aku tido jerla ngan amani.

after breakfast and rest, kami berangkat pulang. nak kena cari hadiah kat pengantin..

penat - sampai ari ni terasa penat. sib baik fifi demam sehari jer. naik risau kami.

gambar pun takleh upload lagi - connection gilong skit

bila dah biasa

2008-08-06T23:29:00.005+08:00

makcik sanniah (yg tolong kemaskan umah ak ni) menegur bila aku duk asyik korek telinga budak2 ni..."senangnya ... korek telinga budak2 ni ya. kalu budak lain dah meronta dah"

aku punya respon?

"dah biasa kut"

tapi bagi akula, sure budak2 lain yg sebaya depa ni senang jugak kut...kan?

i'm lucky coz i'm at home. 24 hours per day i'm stick to them like glue. so everything that i do i always get them involved (of coursela not everything right). maybe sbb bila aku nak korek telinga, i make sure amani and fifi were there with me. i always make sure they watched and make funny faces or voices while doing it. itupun sbb pernah terbaca dalam magazine
(time tunggu check up fifi dulu) that u need to get the kids involved with basic things.

so, everytime fifi and amani mandi, i make sure i brushed my teeth (sbb tu ubat gigi cepat abis). mcm fifi, setiap kali dia mandi, aku akan berus gigi. bila dia nak pegang, aku bagi berus gigi (cuma make sure dia tak masukkan dalam mulut jerla). so dia akan teruja and nak buat jgk. when she have her own teeth, we bought her own toothbrush (i'm sure every parents will do so) and let her brushed her own. most of the time, fifi gosok bottom teeth. gigi atas, dia tak pandai sangat so aku kena buat. make it fun- bagi dia lak gosokkan gigi kita. baru best bagi dia la sbb dia gelak.

today, i brushed for her. if i forgot she will go to the sink and pointing her finger at her brush. she let me brushed her bottom teeth, gigi atas susah skit sbb aku Terberus kuat and dia rasa sakit. so bila nak berus gigi atas tu, kenala berlakon skit (adakala ok, adakala not ok).

skrang turn amani lak. tapi amani ni lain pesyen skit. dia lebih suka layan air..huhuhu. takper...masih jauh perjalanan memberus gigi amani.

mek pun pernah cakap yg fifi and amani senang bila aku nak potong kuku depa. ada setengah budak, nak kena tunggu depa tido baru leh potong. entahla. maybe sbb aku selalu make sure amani ada kut bila potong kuku fifi. most of the time, aku tak paksa kalu fifi tak nak..aku tunggu dia hulur tangan dia. bila dia tak nak, aku buat2 potong kuku sendiri, she will let me on her own time. memang kena banyak sabau ler. selalunya aku akan potong bila M.I.C.K.E.Y M.O.U.S.E. on air..muahahahaa...menyenang kerja oden.

overall, i dont think my kids are special for these three cases. am sure budak2 lain pun senang utk berus gigi, korek telinga and potong kuku kan?

sbb bagi aku, tak kisahla kalu si ibu keja atau duk rumah,asalkan dia tahu spent some quality time with her kids, am sure everything will be ok. yg penting pendekatan yg digunakan.

bila dah biasa, budak2 pun tak rasa janggal nak buat or let us do it for them. cuma kena biasakan shj. kan?

growing hotz

2008-08-02T21:16:00.003+08:00

panas.....

dah berapa hari tak ujan..panasnya.

fifi and amani kena mandi at least 3x sehari. kalu panas sangat aku bagi jer anak2 ribena aku yg makin comel ni beremdam dalam kolam plastik selama yg depa nak. fifi kalu dapat air abisla, jenuh aku nak suruh kuar dari bilik air.

cuaca mcm ni, kena make sure sesangat fifi and amani minum air banyak2. lebih2 lagi fifi yg cepat berpeluh kalu berlari ke hulu hilir. kaki fifi tak pernah nak kenal penat agaknya. kalu mood dia ok, abisla satu living room dia duk lari ngan adik dia. kekadang tu bole dengar suara depa kat luar rumah. lebih2 lak bila amani lani dah pandai jerit kuat2 and gelak sakan.

amani lak dah tak nak sangat duk dalam walker dia. nak suruh dipimpin tangan...mula nak bertatih. alhamdullilah. kalu aku nak letak balik dalam walker, ada ajer helah dia tak nak duduk. jenuh nak pujuk dia masuk dalam walker, kalu tak memang tak buat kerja la aku hari tu.

sebulan lagi dah masuk ramadhan. cepat kan? sebulan lagi jgkla anak sulung oden 2 tahun, lepas tu amani lak setahun. cepat tul masa jalan. tak sedar pun yg depa dah makin besar. serasa mcm baru jer semalam aku tengok muka kemerahan and badan kecil yg monggil. lani dah besar panjang anak2 dara ayah.

bila tengok album balik, tak tau naper rasa sedih nengok gambar budak2 ni masa kecil. rasa mcm tak nak jer bagi depa besar cepat skit. biorla kecil mcm ni...alahai. tak faham betul aku ni.

hati ibu

2008-07-31T23:56:00.003+08:00

imagine terserempak dgn seorang ibu yg menolak anaknya yg kurang upaya dalam stroller. perasaan?

imagine bila asyik duk pilih barang dapur and terserempak dengan ibu yg sama tapi sekarang ada si ayah and anak perempuan yg cukup sifat and comel. perasaan?

imagine bila utk ke sekian kalinya terserempak and melihat si ibu jauh skit dari anak yg kurang upaya kerana menengok cincin silver sampaikan anak menangis tak sedar. perasaan?

imagine bila si ayah tengah duk amek gambar anak perempuannya and tak sedar yg anak lelakinya yg kurang upaya meronta dalam stroller. perasaan?

imagine bila kita melihat org yg lalu lalang dan melihat anak tadi and si ibu sambil menggeleng kepala. perasaan?

imagine bila si ibu sedar, baru ditolak stroller anaknya dekat skit and si ayah mula mengambil si anak utk bermain sebelah anak perempuannya. perasaan?

imagine bila anak lelaki yg kurang upaya mula tidak selesa and si ibu mendukung si anak perempuan sementera si ayah melayan si abang. perasaan?

i'm not a good person and i'm not really interested in other person or even their life for no reason. but i do have feeling when i saw what happen. i might not understand the mother. maybe she's tired and only this time she find her own peace. i might not being fair to judge other people character or act based on what i see and hear- it will not be fair for them or for me.

somehow i feel sad for no reason when i looked at that child. somehow...

six months

2008-07-25T21:35:00.003+08:00

when amani and fifi turned 5 months old, i counted days until they turn 6 months. why? simple..a month for celebration. finally i can feed them with real food. celebration la tu...

as for fifi, maybe sbb i'm a new mother so excited tu terlebih2 sampai beli geber, nestum and etc. well, tak berapa elok sebenarnya (dependla..ini pendapat aku jer ehh). so when it came to amani turn, i dont really fed her nestum - lagipun dia memang tak nak. so most of the time, i cooked bubur nasi and puri buah. of course bubur nasi tu kena make sure lembik sesangat supaya tummy dia tak terkejut. take turn dgn masak puri buah and puri patato supaya dia tak jemu. lagipun time ni crucial kalu tak jaga betul2 apa yg dia makan. takut nanti dia ada sembelit, susah nanti.

kesian kat anak..lagi2 kalu mothers yg mcm aku ni...have to admit aku paling takut nak sumbat punggung anak dgn medicine cair yg memudahkan pembuangan air besar anak. tak pernah pun aku pegang and memang tak kan nak...aku tak berani.. so, alternatif lain, make sure bubur tu ada sawi, epal hijau and selalula urut perut anak (mcm dalam Nona- URUTAN BAYi).

i am blessed sbb amani and fifi paling suka makan bubur sawi (sawi kan ada banyak jenis, so pandai2 la bergilir2).

yg paling elok, jgnla kerap sangat masak bubur nasi with kentang. kata maksu huby nanti bertambah gebula kemontelan anak tu..(jarangkan2 la...memangla manis masak bubur nasi with kentang- yum yum). no wonder fifi cepat sangat membesar...dulu aku selalu sangat campur2 nasi and kentang. time amani, dah kurang sbb baru tahu.

bagi aku ini perkara penting. masuk umur 6 bulan, anak kita dah develop another skill and another need. depa baru kenal makanan lain selain daripada susu.

special day

2008-07-23T23:36:00.004+08:00

22nd - dah wish besday to hubby. the sama date my bro in law (third bro) sambut besday.

26th - my sis ayuz. wish awal2 sbb takut tak der kt lak hphone nanti. mak teh, happy besday.

bulan july, dua org penting ni sajer yg sambut besday. tak mcm april - ramai...which remind me, aku dah bagi ker adiah kat nko ke enab?

lani cuma menunggu tarikh keramat best fren aku sain surat akad nikah. tak sabau. dah lama aku nak tengok dia atas pelamin.

susah nak cari kawan yg bole sesenang and sesusah bersama.

susah nak cari kawan yg bole faham inside and out.

susah nak cari kawan yg bole terima seburuk2 episod dalam hidup aku.

susah jgk nak cari kawan yg bole baca air muka - no explanation is needed.

haih...tak tau naper otak ni banyak sangat berpikir. maybe coz i'm having the same nightmares i had before..ada idea mcm mana nak hilangkan mimpi giler ni? penat sbb pepagi nak bangun tapi selalu berjaga mlm...

help, i need somebody

help

(lagu the beatles- mahal giler cd kompilasi dia.ada sesaper nak bagi adiah cd ni?janggut, sambung lagu ni...)

update

2008-07-17T15:41:00.004+08:00

been busy these past few days. usually when amani and fifi fall asleep i took the chance to clean up the house, laundary, or online. but because this is july- raining season in johore, so i took this oppurtunity to start my latest project..wanna know what?

gardening.

sawi, bendi, kacang panjang, lada, cili padi, kangkung, kobis and carrot dah tumbuh. cuma tunggu kacang pea and kailan jer.maybe sebb setiap petang hujan, so ianya memudahkan aku utk mencangkul and tanam mana yg patut. tanah memang dah lama dibuat batas (minta tolong budak2 indonesian kat sini) tapi sawi aku mati sebb panas sangat last month. this month, happynyer aku bila dari benih dah bercambah besau. dapatla merasa hasil tangan sendiri.

aiks..jgn disangka aku ni tak reti nak berkebun ek. dulu masa duduk ngan mek (nenek aku) kat kg, aku ler yg dia heret ke kebun. dari buat batas sampailer kutip hasil...aku dah merasa panas terik berjemur. until today aku tabib mek...dia dah tua.tapi skitpun dia tak tunjuk sakit badan depan2 aku. cuma last visit aku nampak sangat wajah tua mek. sedih? haih..tak tahu ler nak ckp mcm mana. org tua tu yg besarkan aku dari kecik, dia yg duk bela aku. selalunya kalu aku pi pasar pasir puteh, most of the elders yg kenal mek panggil aku anak mek. sbb kulit aku sama mek kut.hahahaha..tak derla.

nantila aku amek gambau kebun mini aku tu ek. cheehh....

actually aku nak bercerita pasal amani and fifi ni....she's 9 months old already. another 3 months to go before she's one year!! wah. cepat tul masa jalan ek. gambau kat bawah ada gigi dia. nampak tak? this week amani garang betul dgn kakak dia and with me too..kalu dia nak marah, tangan dia gerak2 nak capai aku and fifi. nak buat aper? she wants to bite us. sian fifi. tapi selalunya fifi yg duk marah2 adik dia balik. last sunday, maybe sbb dia geram sangat kut dgn amani yg duk balas menjerit, fifi nearly gigit kepala adik dia. nasib baik aku ada. kalu tidak, aperler yg aku nak bagitau kat ayah depa ni. bawak amani lari dalam bilik. itu shjla penyelesaiannya kalu aku tak nak berangin. depa ni dah pandai tunjuk tanda2 memberontak kalu tak bagi apa yg depa nak. adakah aku memanjerkan depa? emm... huby cakap aku ni gayang dgn anak2.

there were times i have to be garang. (most of the time)...bukan sengaja..time ni fifi nak attention more than amani. her imagination and mind are developing really fast. am trying to teach her how to pronounce and recognize objects and animals. so far, i have to hide her flash card or else hancus ler. so, everytime amani starts to manja2 with me, she will show her tantrum. i have to solute those who have more than 2 kids and raising them byself. really solute. lebih2 bila anak2 cepat membesar these days. kan?

walaupun aku garang dgn anak2, depa tetap cari aku bila ada apa2. time sakit lagila, walaupun selsema.lagila manja.

anak ayah

2008-07-09T00:03:00.006+08:00

yup...both of them are dady's sweethearts.regardless how many hours i spent with them, they would always choose their dad..huhuhu...

everytime and whenever their dad is around, they are well behave (sometimes cranky) and always want to sit or touch their dad..they would laugh aloud (sometimes we laugh along upon hearing them laughing) and soooo manjerr especially fifi. so amani wont stand a chance to sit with her ayah if fifi is around.

if i sat beside their ayah, fifi would do the same..she cannot leave me alone with her ayah. so i end up changing my seat.she would loves to have her lunch and dinner with her ayah and always mimicking whatever her ayah did. just last night i was suprise when she suddently whimping sadly while holding her toes. i though she was hurts and walla..there she was mimicking her ayah.

they would always run to the door to great their dady from work, and would always want their dad to hug and play with them. i guess because i was at home so they dont really feel missing me that much uh? :)

i loves the way their eyes shine and laughing when their dad caming home..i loves the way fifi laugh alaud when she knew we were wacthing her and knowing that, she would cover her mouth with her tiny fingers. i loves the way she smiles and run upon hearing the sound of her dad motorcycle. i loves the way she talks to her dad not realizing that me and her dad smile at each other. i loves the way she jump to her dad and teasing him.

i realized this evening, how beautiful they are to me...even when they have their moment to upset me..i realized this evening, how Allah gives me this wonderful gifts to me and huby alone. for us to share our life with.for us to smile and feel the joy even when we face difficulty.

Domestic inquiry

2008-07-07T23:45:00.002+08:00

mata dah mengantuk..hidung lak asyik pedih ..nampaknya i'm having flu...wawawa...

am doing a domestic inquiry for my huby. since he work late already, so i took over jap..lagipun dia nak kena bangun kul 5.30 esok..sian kat huby. aku? aku memang dah terbiasa tido lewat. cuma maybe sbb dah lama aku tak buat kerja, so mata aku ni asyik nak pejam..terpaksa amek alternatif layan perasaan jap sebelum sambung balik..

apa benda domestic inquiry ni? kalu translet balik dalam bhs, siasatan dalaman..kalu ada case curi ker, apa ker, so depa buatla DI ni..last month, ada worker curi getah, so huby in charge for inquiry. first inquiry dah lepas..dah masuk jel and keluar ikat jamin pun..second inquiry ni, manager estet sebelah kena jadi saksi sebelum ful report dihantar ke HQ and further action taken..maknanyer sebelum betul2 kena buang kerja la.

aku kesian jgk kat org yg ditangkap ni..tapi kalu dah mencuri atas alasan nak cover duit minyak sbb anak2 ramai, aku rasa itu tindakan bodoh. entahla. aku bukan org yg bole menilai kesalahan dia ni..tapi nak buat mcm mana, terpaksa ler dia cari kerja lain kang.

first teeth

2008-07-02T23:45:00.003+08:00

like other mothers in this world, i am exited to watch amani's first baby tooth appear..it seem that she'll having her first bottom teeth and ouch, it really hurts when she bites my ... (alhamdullilah, am still able to breastfed her). at this stage, the teeth will started to grow at the age 6 months until 36 months old (for baby teeth)

as for amani and fifi, they both got their first teeth at the age 9 months and 10 months. different uh? yup..both of them have different development in growing up..the only thing that suprised me about amani is that, she didnt get any fever due to this new development, unlike fifi.

well, as for me this is one of the most critical moment for amani. not only she will learn to get use with her new teeth, this is also her first step to chew her food. lately, she've been chewing her lips. she doesnt really like to use teether like her sister and the victim would be me....huhuhu. have to stop this before she hurts me more :)

dah pandai

2008-07-01T00:36:00.003+08:00

dah lewat tapi aku tak tido lagi. sure esok aku main mata ler ngan anak2 aku kang.

hari ni, happy skit sbb amani dah cuba2 angkat punggung (utk merangkak dalam erti kata yg sebetulnya). cuma tangan amani sedikit tidak kuat and asyik jatuh balik jer..nasib baik atas katil and aku nak rakam pun tak sampai ati.takut kang terjatuh aku lak asyik ngan kamera. huhuhu..happynya. another stage to go and more stages awaits.

afifah? dia dah pandai gigit tangan adik dia kalu adik dia asyik duk kacau. alahai..sian amani. aku nak marah fifi pun tak leh gak..so sudahnya aku larikan amani dalam bilik dulu...supaya marah kakaknya reda skit...and supaya aku tak berangin..hahaha.tapi selalunya amani ni tak makan dek saman. lagi kakak dia marah, lagi dia duk pi dekat. emm

fifi dah kureng bab2 makan ni. naik risau lak..ada aper2 idea??

and satu lagi berita gembira..tadi aku terjumper adik junior time aku study dulu..bukanla junior course aku tapi junior di kolej telekom (kolej kediaman). suprised giler...menjerit ler jgk aku tadi dalam giant tu ahh..sampei menitik jugakla air mata ni..dah dekat 5 tahun aku tak jumper dia. last time aku jumper pun masa aku konvo dulu...teringat balik time2 kenakalan budak bertuah ni..selalunya dia ler yg duk sekat aku kalu dia tengok cerita hantu.hampeh..hahahahaa..aku bukannyer leh tengok cerita genre ni..sampai terbawak dalam mimpi ler karang. dia tak keja lani, duk ngan huby dia di Gemas...tengah planning nak ada anak..i pray for you girl...

notes: to ayu(cousin huby) and her husband- best wishes for your newfound family...new path, new responsibilities...may your marriage last till the end.

auntie?

2008-06-24T00:59:00.004+08:00

nak kater budak2 bangla ni buter tak boler lak tapi memang depa ni dah tak ada panggilan lain kut nak panggil aku.

petang tadi 3 org berbangsa bangladesh datang umah utk korekkan lubang (aku nak tanam pokok besau, tak larat nak bercangkul so huby panggilkan workers dia..kiranya depa buat OT ler). memang depa tak berapa nak faham bahasa kita so banyakler guna isyarat tangan nak suruh depa buat lubang kat maner and tanam kat mana. alkisahnya, cuma ada seorang jer yg bole bertutur bahasa so aku banyak cakap dgn dia ler kalu nak mintak tolong mana yg patut.

adala time tu depa nak air (panas sangat ari ni) and requested from me..

"auntie, air ada?"

muler2 tu aku kompius jgk tapi disbbkan takder dah perempuan lain kat umah, jadinyer dia refer kat aku ler kan? hampess tulll...

muker aku ni dah tua bebenor ker? ada jer nak kena tendang karate.

biler nak balik-

"auntie, terima kasih"

hampesss

private practise

2008-06-22T00:13:00.003+08:00

haah...tengok tak? private practise (ntv7)..kiranya new version of anatomy grey. i like it..

tapi aku bukan nak cerita pasal that new series. the first episode pasal csec. dulu pernah tengok online how it was done and it gave me bumps all over. tonight, teringat la balik time deliver my babies. sakitnya masih terasa. mungkin sbb kekadang aku duk dukung fifi kekadang tu.

time fifi dulu, cuma terasa sakit false alarm...not really sakit nak bersalin tapi disebbkan aku sesak nafas, dr advised me to csec. dgn amani lak, original plan memang nak normal (that was my only chance) tapi tak bole sbb 3.7 kg. dr risau kut2 rahim aku pecah..so proceed ler csec jgk. terkilan sbb aku tak merasa sakit nak melahirkan anak. tapi kena potong pun sakit jgk per! cuma time amani jer aku sempat merasa sakit nak bersalin, memang dah berdarah katil pital tu tapi disbbkan aku dah pun booking csec, tak bole nak deliver normal.

alhamdullilah, sec time, aku tak merasa perut aku kena toreh, tak merasa perutku digoyang2..and the best part, aku sedar sepanjang operation dijalankan. dapat cium amani, dapat dengar dia menangis..dapat tengok dia sebelum org lain (except for the drs and the staff). bila nurse bawak amani jumper aku, i dont regret having csec as long my baby safe.

sekarang, bila tengok anak2 aku membesar depan mata sendiri, i thanked to Allah. aku dah rasa 5 bulan hidup dgn hari2 telifon mertua bertanyakan anak di kg. perit sbb hati asyik teringatkan anak. sedih bila tak dapat dengar her first words and etc. tapi aku bersyukur sangat2 sbb my in laws really taking care of afifah. bila anak2 dah tido mcm malam ni, sebak dada bila teringatkan kawan aku yg terpaksa meninggalkan anak di kg...been there and insya Allah, i can understand your feeling.

malik, keep it strong.

amani baru bangun tido..

fifi's new hair cut.makcik yg tolong kemaskan umah cakap aku pandai gunting rambut..muahahaha...

long time ago

2008-06-18T00:34:00.002+08:00

tetiba jadi sentimental memalam ni.

actually pagi tadi aku dapat sms dari seorang teman lamer. dia pensyarah lani and alhamdullilah, a mother of two. aku terkejut sbb dah lamer aku lost contact. teringat balik time kami keja sama2 dulu. she's a year senior in our faculty. she told me about her students and somehow i'm not really suprised. i recall when i'm having a meeting at lumut with the uum lectures. they were marking papers and i read some of it. most of the answers written were crap. sorry to say this. even my ex lect (who came) admitted it. entahla..

i'm glad she is in her position now. long time ago, i want to pursue the same dream..and somehow, i was left behind. cannot say i did not regret about it. i did. and now? i'm glad that i'm with my kids. even for some people, even in my family, they did not really understand the way i'm thinking. but what the heck.like angah said in her blog, i want to choose to be happy. and alhamdullilah..even there were times when i think i make a wrong decision, i choose not to overdo myself by regretting everything. i deserve the best and i know i should live with my decision. let just not push me about this. supports is what i need the most.

i still have a long way to go. so are my babies. let just hope for the best shall we...

satay no more

2008-06-14T23:58:00.002+08:00

me and hubby..we are still shocked about what happen yesterday. fifi was eating satay, and as usual we let her hold the stick since she able to feed herself (memang dia tak nak kalu kami suapkan pun) and walla..out of nowhere the stick stuck in her right eye. our reaction?no need to ask. alhamdullilah, it didnt really stuck but accidently fifi tercucuk mata. since yesterday, right after hubby took away the stick, NO more satay in our house or to our kids...no need to doubt about it.when hubby said no, then it will be no..even for amani.

i recall when fifi fall down from her walker (few times), terus hubby simpan walker dalam stor.the same goes to kereta mainan dia. jatuh sekali, terus masuk dalam stor. and that is the only reason why hubby dont want to buy bicycle for fifi. i dont want to argue with him about it.

watch out for your kids. you might not know what they might do...lagipun depa tak tahu aper2 lagi. take this as a lesson.

bosan vs terima ajerlah

2008-06-13T00:17:00.004+08:00

malas nak cakap lebih2 karang tak pasai2 lak aku kena cop bebukan. hakikatnya, aku dah malas nak fikir pasal perasaan sendiri. aku sakit ke, sakit jiwa ker, sakit hati ker, aku dah tak reti nak tulis dalam blog ni. kekadang tu sbb2 inilah yg buat aku malas nak update blog, yg sepatutnya menjadi tempat utk aku merepek sorang2.tak perla. nak buat mcm mana...terima ajerla.

daripada aku duk merepek bebukan tengahmalam ni, baik aku cerita pasal anak2 aku yg semakin ribena ni haah...kekadang tu tengah duk marah nak mampus ni, they so something unexpectedly.huhuhu..

amani dah pandai merangkak dua hari lepas(er..tapi angkat punggung tak leh lagi, cuma tolak kaki utk MARA ke hadapan). bila dah sampai kat objek yg dia nak amek, dia gelak sorang2..nak gelak pun ada, tapi aku gelak jer. yg pasti, dia dah bole berdiri sendiri walaupun sekejap. tak sabar nak tunggu dia bole jalan lak..

fifi lak, hari ni dah pandai bukak peti ais sendiri.emm..apa lagi. semua brg dia wat kuar. sampai sayur aku layu ler jgk. tapi aku tak leh nak watper, sudahnya aku ler jadi tukang pungut aka tukang bersih sepenuh masa.

time makan, amani dah tak makan banyak..tak tau naper.confius aku. nestum memang dia reject terus. so, dari pagi sampailer malam, memang bubur nasi ler makanan dia. aku nak cuba letak yogurt lak..dia nak makan tak? so far, benda manis memang dia kureng.

fifi? emm bagiler makanan aper pun, seme dia makan. cuma dia kureng makan nasi lani. aku nak kena fikir alternatif lain. paling best, aku tengok dia makan buah epal kecil, abis ooo...suka aku...org nak kata anak aku bulat ke haper ke, aku tak peduli...asalkan berat badan dia tak obes and dia sihat, aku ON.

aku nak ajar fifi potty training ni...dia asyik nangis jer bila aku letak dia kat atas mangkuk tandas..tapi sebb kepala aku ni kekadang bertanduk, aku letak jer..sian dia..tapi malam tadi, dia gelak lak..hahahha...anak aku...confius aku kekadang tu..ikut saper la

dua2 suka tengok mickey mouse..jgn ingat aku bagi depa tengok cartoon jer..aku tapis mana yg bole. so far, alhamdullilah fifi dah pandai ikut instruction. cuma bila dia bad mood, aku surrender.

dua2 pandai baca aku bila aku marah. yg terbaru, bila aku marah kat fifi, dia akan duduk tepi atau naik riba, bercakap skit atau tak langsung, terus cium aku..huhuhu...aku nak marah lelamer pun tak sampai hati. yelah.mana aku tak marah. dia curah 3/4 bedak atas kepala adik dia. aku heran tul naper ler amani ni terima jer aper yg kakak dia buat. tapi silap aku gak. take for granted. bila anak senyap, aku ingat depa tak wat per2 so aku buat kerja aku..ruper nya.......emmmm.aku memang LANGSUNG tak leh tinggai depa berduaan.

aku potong lagi rambut fifi..huhuhu..cuma layer aku tak jadi sbb dia takleh duk diam. nantila aku amek gambar terbaru depa. selalu sangat tak sempat. dua2 dah makin aktif..

new pet

2008-05-28T21:40:00.003+08:00

kucing di atas dibeli kelmarin dulu utk anak aku yg sulung ni ahh. sampai umah jer, terus kong...abis 10 git free2...huhuhu.mcm mana tak kong, dia duk pegang kucing tu mcm kucing hidup kat umah aku ni aahhh...pegang tengkuk, dahla seme wayar yg berkaitan ada kat situ, sudahnya rosak terus. takperla..tak ada rezeki fifi nak main cak2 dgn kucing mainan dia ni.

ayah fifi beli pun sbb kesiankan ank dia yg duk menghadap ank kucing(ank2 dudu).risau takut dia kena asma ke lelah ke disbbkan kucing. kalu setakat pegang jer takper..ini kalu aku terlepas pandang kejap, tengok2 jer dia dah cium ank2 kucing yg ada 4 ekor tu..waduh, bisa sakit jantung aku dibuatnya. nak buang kucing2 ni aku tak sampai hati. dah itu mainan fifi...drp time dudu kecik (huby amek kat tengah jalan, nsib baik tak kena langgor) terus ler sampai beranak pinak ni, dudu ler mainan dia (walaupun dah banyak kali kena cakau dek dudu). bole ketawa mengekek, main kejor2 dgn dudu...camner?

emmmmm..

time ni didi(aku ler bagi namer) dah rosak tapi fifi buat main peluk.

tak perluler nak agak dia tengah wat per....asalnya mata didi ni menyala, tu yg fifi duk tengok tu...
posing depan m.i.c.k.e.y m.o.u.s.e (nyanyi yer). tengah tunggu ayh dia balik..time2 mcm ni, aku bole relaks sbb dia memang duduk jer tengok cartoon mickey mouse ni. dah bole sebut few words (fun- tapi tunjuk tangan give me five- huhuhu), one, bababa (ala, lagu baba black sheep tu) and nyanyi lagu mickey mouse (walaupun aku sendiri tak bisa menangkap apa yg dia nyanyikan..) hasil drp mickey mouse..adala one day, tiba2 dia menari tangan kepak ayam..aku tak ingat lak aku ajar fifi buat tu, rupa2nya dia duk ikut mickey menari ayam. alahai anak aku ni..

fifi

2008-05-26T06:32:00.001+08:00

amani

2008-05-26T06:11:00.003+08:00

fibroids

2008-05-24T00:13:00.002+08:00

emm...seem that my mum is having fibroid (according to my sister who wrote in her blog, wondering why she did not sms).

before i got pregnant with amani, i was diagnosis with fibroids too, and i kept it secret (dont know why).. so when i got pregnant, dr idris (from pusrawi - he is a Good doctor, recommended if you want to proceed your medical check up at pusrawi with him or dr. adilah), told me i should be grateful coz the baby shrink the fibroid (i still have the picture (scanned) and the size was a bit smaller compared to my baby that time- i cant remember the size.. he told me not to worry coz it was normal and to follow up in future. but he also warn me that if the fibroid getting bigger instead of getting smaller as he predicted it to be, my baby might having problem and me too..however, alhamdulllilah, it did not happen and amani was born healtier as any baby can be.

i have not done my pap smear check up yet, which is VERY IMPORTANT for those who have delivered their baby and women at age above 30. am not sure if the fibroid is there or not but hopefully not lah. i guess i should do my check up this week uh.

in case, if you ladies are not sure what the heck is fibroids, you can read from here..(very basic)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibroids

secret

2008-05-20T22:05:00.004+08:00

what if you have a secret and not willing to share with others?

what if the secret that you're hiding is eating you alive?

what if that secret push you over limit and shut your brain off?

what if you gut telling you to do something but it get stuck because of that secret?

what if that secret affecting your life?

can you live with that secret by yourself?

i have not know the answer to all the question.

but i do know that i will kept the secret

even if it killing me inside, for now.

happy...

2008-05-17T23:43:00.004+08:00

important announcement: alhamdullilah, amani tak der CP....huhuhu. aku punyala lega sampai tak terkata per2. bukan aper, kalu nak kena CP pun, i hope biarla seusia fifi sekrg ni (>1 year ). at least fifi tak derla terasa mcm aku lebihkan amani lak. dia pun dah makin jeles dgn adik dia...sian kat amani...sian kat aku gak...

hari ni aku terkejut skit. first, dengan respon amani towards fifi. b4 this fifi selalu sangat tolak walker amani and jerit2 kat dia and amani mcm biasa, muka blur and kekadang tu mengamuk dalam walker la..nangis tu adatla. but today, wow...aku tengah basuh pinggan and depa masuk dapur skali..as i expected fifi and amani kalut nak main peti ais, fifi geram and tolak adik dia. amani lak (yg buat aku terkejut) hari ni garang sungguh, dia tolak walker dia langgar fifi (few times) and tolak tangan sis dia...kukukuku..aku yg duk pegang pinggan pun bole stop setengah jalan..terkejut.fifi mcm biasala, menangis ler kena langgor.nasib baik takder aper2 kat tangan dia, kalu tak dah sure kepala adik kene ketuk. sighhhhhhh

you know, org tua cakap kita bole agak karakter anak kita masa depa kecil lagi. and this case, i can oly guess. i cant wait to see amani grow up. serasa hati ni mcm fifi dah tak bole buli adik dia lagi kut...memandangkan saiz amani pun dah mencecah dagu fifi (ini belum bole berdiri sendiri lagi ni) i think she will grow taller than her sis. cant wait for them to grow up and watch what battle they will be in. sighhhhh. i need my peace...huhuhu

time depa tido tadi aku belek album..tertengok senyuman manja fifi kecik2 dulu..nak tengok?my first born baby...

aku paling suka yg ni...hehehe
mcm nak nangis pun ada kan?time ni gigi tarak lagi.

yg ni seblm pi zai punya majlis tunang.amcm? cute tak?

anak2....despite aper yg depa buat, depa la dunia aku...aku ingat lagi b4 aku gave birth amani, muka fifi mcm sedih jer lepas hantar aku ke pital..agaknya dia tahu kut. time visited aku kat pital pun tak nak rapat and senyum kat aku...huhuhu...time tu lah aku sedih sangat.tak tahu naper.

fifi, ibu nak fifi tahu yg walaupun ibu lahirkan 10 org adik pun utk fifi, you are my first born baby,i watched ur first smile, ur first laugh, ur first tooth...i adores u.

chick chick chick

2008-05-15T22:02:00.009+08:00

waked up this morning and noticed something different on amani's face. bintik2 merah...wondering? emmm...benda yg aku duk takut sangat dah pun jadi. no wonder why dia asyik merengek semalam and menangis jer even mata duk tutup..rupa2nya chicken pox..wahhhhh.

nothing can be done. tomorrow kena start bagi dia minum air kelapa and continue to monitor the red spots. so aku dah warning hubby siap2. kalau aku tak sempat masak ke atau aku masak cincai ke, tak perlula nak komen lebih2. kalau demam hari tu aku kena dukung dia memanjang sbb dia nangis, ini kan pula bila dah kena chicken pox. i guess, it cannot be help anymore.

dulu masa mula2 fifi kena cp, aku memang tak bole tido sangat...dia panas and gatal2..it worse at night and she dont want to eat at all. she lost weight and she was nine months. this time, turn amani lak (baru jer seven months). am i worried? yes i am...last month mek was here. this time, i'm alone. hubby lak, GM dia nak datang visit so aku tak nak kacau dia sangat. lagipun amani memang tak nak sesaper kalu tak sihat...

jgnla ada sesaper yg call aku time ni...risau plak kalu nada suara tak seberapa..kang aku dilabelkan garang tak bertempat...emmm.

terbaca blog ayuz tadi...kewujudan yg tak memberi makna kepada sesiapa? terpikir lak aku naper kewujudan dia tak terasa dek org lain (emm...). yg terlintas dek otak aku yg copet ni, selalunya org tak perasan kepentingan kita except bila dah tader nanti. bukan nak kata apala...ada masanya memang terasa mcm tu if you choose to feel that way. dulu aku pun mcm tu. selalu sangat terasa mcm org luar even dalam family sendiri. merana la jugak dulu sampaila aku jadi keras malas nak rapat dgn org. itu bukan contoh yg baik. unlike my sis, aku ni susah jugak nak rapat dengan org except bila dah lelamer and org tu tahan dengan perangai entah aper2 aku ni. aku rasa adik aku pun terasa yg aku entah per2..huhuhu. aku rasa sampai lani yg betul2 faham aku (kecuali hubby) mar, zai, fano, k ju, k noni, k lin, ita and bubu (ye ke dia faham aku?).

so yuz, buat aper nak layan sangat perasaan tu...kalu ko ni tak ada kepentingan, tak dela sumer benda org nak ko buat kat bedsa tu. haaah, cakp pasal ni, kurang2kan la keaktifan ko tu...busy memanjang...cuba2la buat rest skit. tahula minat tapi berpada la..

ini gambar fifi lepas sihat dr cp...kurus kan?

sdsdsad

2008-05-13T21:47:00.002+08:00

i was washing dishes when suddently i recall jawa's (one of my friends) face when i asked him about account subject during my matriculation days. hahahaa...first time u asked, he is more than willing to show u how..second time asking the same thing, his face would definitely change.and if he asked me 'faham tak?' i would just nod and walked away. why? i definitely dont want to watch his face. it was more easier to ask syakir (wondering how he is now) than jawa..

the memories during my study came and i cant help but to smile and laugh aloud (even fifi laugh with me..:)

our class, H, celebrated everyone birthday. more than often we had a suprise party (not really a partyla) and having fun. i recall our SA (secret admirer) gathering where we exchanged presents and get to know who our sa was. (it was cikgu zamri' ideas to have sa in our class among ourself to give supports and etc). we received mail in a box (at the back of our class) and my sa called herself sotong...huhuhu..it was faizah . she told me she choose katak because she could give me her hands when i need her. yup...she is a good friend. she gave me suports and i dont think i can barter the time spent with her. thinking about her sadden me a bit...she failed in our last term exam and could not proceed to uum like the rest. i hope she succeed in her life.

my deskmate, ita...last time i called her, she was married to a sailor. emmm..

asma, married to one of my friends, saiful and a teacher today..i think she teaches in Sabah or Sarawak..cant recall. she loves to argue..most of the time with jawa..

mila, one of the sweetest friends of all...she really sweet and i always refer to her about account (not my favourite subject).

normie and g...both of them are good in math and account. G likes to compare her marks with jawa...quite but supportive.

ja...she was the shortest among us and i knew her since form 1 at smss trg. very sassy indeed and i wouldnt dare to cross her when she have her mood.

ati, our assist. same like ja, i knew her at smss. very good in math...

mazlan...ahh..he is the most cool guy i ever met. silent is sexy you know...shah, funny guy. i recall i asked him to be my cameraman during my presentation for bm subject and i couldnt watched him during my presentation coz of his smiling face. he sure know how to make people laugh with him.

err...i cant recall the rest of the name...

but i do recall cikgu sanisah's classes. it was very annoyingyou know. jawa was slepping (well, he sleeps most of the classes) and managed to answer correctly when cikgu asked him. ghee..me and ita, selalu sangat mengumpat jawa..not in negative way la...cuma menyampah bila dia bole jawab betul even tengah tido!

rindu plak nak study.

Again

2008-05-11T22:19:00.005+08:00

when we moved here, fifi got chicken pox and alhamdullilah mek was here to help me out. it took more than a week and during those time i was freaking afraid if amani get infection as well. however, it turn out that amani is fine and NO chicken pox...i guess because i still breastfeed her and her immunity is much stronger than fifi.

however, today she got fever...not very high (yet -i hope not tomorrow) and now i'm freaking tired. she wants me around her, i cannot actually left her coz she will cry. with those teary round eyes, i dont know what else to do when fifi also want my attention. even she smell difference today.

i try my best to read as much as i can about parenting from the net.(i'm very unfortunate you know...why? segamat have everything- pital, shopping complex, a very great siakap stall, great FOOD - no need to wonder where i got my extra pound, great in everything except there's no KINO, MPH or POPULAR. small bookstores adala but the books i'm looking for always tak der. at the end, i only get to read tips or motherhood experiences from internet jerlaa)

why the heck i did that for? i'm lost...somehow, i'm lost and i dont know where and who to refer to.

i get depressed easily even for small tiny matters. more than often i get mad at hubby for stupid reason and my tempers are very very short nowdays. fifi? she always get the end result of my temper. if she beat amani and she did not want to hear my warning, she will end with crying and i felt sick about this! i made a promise to myself when i got pregnant with fifi - not to raise my child with beating and etc. somehow, i fail. urggg..what should i do?

there were times when zai called and i sound tired, there were time when my sis called, i sound very annoyed and angry. there were time when hubby want something from me, i give my irritating and annoying responses as well. ghee.. very tired. i loves my kids from the bottom of my heart. i cherish the time i spent with them because i dont want to have the same feeling i had when fifi stay with her grandparent. i want to be there for them and loving them even when sometimes i got myself headache trying my best to be fair for both of them. i guess i have to try harder each day.

emmm....now i feel guilty like hell..

"You should never hit your child when you are angry. Not only are you then more likely to become excessive in your punishment, but doing so will teach your child that it is right to hit people when they are angry.

It is important to realize that if you reach a point where you feel it is necessary to beat your child then something has gone badly wrong, and you previously have not done all you could have done to avoid this becoming necessary.

Since it is a fact of learning that you cannot punish a child without harming him/her, so punishment can only become necessary if you have no positive alternative, and the good that comes from being punished will outweigh the harm you do to your child.

Remember, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never once in his life hit a child, a woman or a servant." (http://www.islamic-world.net/parenting/parenting_tips.htm)

fifi and amani

2008-05-11T01:21:00.006+08:00

latest pics of fifi and amani. there were times when i need help with these two cute and actives daughters of mine...sometimes bila aku tak ada dengan depa, dengar2 jer amani nangis sbb kena pukul dek kakak dia...most of the time, fifi akan selit duk sebelah aku bila aku dukung amani lamer skit. kalu aku main dgn amani, dia pun sureee punya akan celah di tepiii. bila amani duk dalam walker dia, fifi akan menjerit and tolak adik dia jauh dari dia (well, sakit kena langgar dek amani). yg paling aku geram kekadang tu bila fifi duk menjerit kat adik dia

aku pun pening gak kekadang tu.. amani plak lani dah pandai..kalau kakak dia tolak dia, dia pun jerit mengamuk gak...kalau nampak aku pi dapur, dia pun heret walker dia ke dapur gak...ke mana2 sajer kakak dia pi, dia ikut..pas tu gaduh, pas tu nangis pastu aku lak nangis...

despite of that, walau senakal mana pun depa ni....yg paling buat aku tersenyum and ketawa biarlah masa tu aku tengah geram and marah giler, time tu jgkla depa buat muka...the best moment bila fifi main cak cak dengan amani...bole dengar amani gelak and jerit...bila aku gelak, dua2 pun gelak...bila aku naik angin, dua2 pun naik angin...

fifi dengan penyapu daun

after eating cookies.

New Pogoh

2008-05-11T00:10:00.007+08:00

Been nearly 2 years at Paloh and moved to New Pogoh, Segamat last month.

The house- alhamdullilah...not like the previous one and still new (2 years old). the house have 3 rooms, 3 bathroom, nice and big yard for fifi to play around (still, i have to be extra careful in case ada ulaq - what do u expect, nama lagi duk dalam utan kan...). nice and cozy kitchen (not that i'm a good cooker newey) and the most important near to other houses as well...(tak adala dekat sangat pun, huhuuhu). kitaorg duk yg paling atas sekali tapi tak dela scary mcm kat paloh tuuu...(in case if my sis worry about dogs barking at night).

the nearest town is Segamat, took about 10- 15 minutes by car and 15 minutes to Tenang. from highway, you can either exit at Yong Peng (nearly 1 and 1/2hour to get here) or tangkak (45 minutes- adviseable to exit at Tangkak). seme ada kat segamat ni - hospital, bank, shopping complex and etc.

Ada a few things that i dont really like about here...satu, pasar jauh...dua, kedai runcit ada satu jerrrr dalam estet ni (so barang memang mahal skit and lauk yang dia jual pun SAMA jer HARI-HARI). tiga, pekan yg paling dekat kat Tenang and nak kuar dari sini memang aku tak kuasa sbb dalamnyerrr rumah aku ni. empat, ada satu jerrr kedai makan (tapi aku takde selera nak masuk...no comment) other than that, aku OK.tapi mcm hubby aku cakap, bersyukur la sebab ni pun belum lagi kena pindah ke kawasan dalam yg nun jauh dari pekan...huhuhuhu..aku memang kena terima hakikat yg hubby aku ni keja estet...nak tak nak ke, aku kena terima la..

life kat sini tak sama mcm di paloh...kat sini, workers tak ramai sangat. paling ramai indonesian. local tak ramai yg stay sini- depa duk di kg sebelah estet ni and most of them ada tanah sendiri. so mcm tauke kedai runcit duk habaq kat aku, sebb tu lah banyak kedai mkn yg tutup dalam estet ni. rumah workers pun banyak yg kosong compare to Paloh yg tak cukup umah.

yg aku suka, makcik yg tolong bersihkan rumh ni baik ler sesangat..hujan pun datang keja gak. aku tak yah nak cakap banyak- dia tahu jer nak kemas apa, buat apa.. so aku tak derla rasa bersalah sangat nak mintak tolong dia.

fifi posing depan pintu umah

so far alhamdullilah sebb fifi and amani stay dengan selesanya di sini. tak banyak karenah and itu yg penting bagi aku...cuma aku kena berjaga skit kalu nak bagi fifi main di luar.plus bit bit (my rabbit) selesa jer main keliling umah and dudu (my cat) can stay outside with her new found family..

fifi and amani

2008-05-06T21:30:00.002+08:00

testinggg

having prob to download pictures of my babies.....maybe next time...

Thanks to Hubby

2008-05-04T00:14:00.002+08:00

first, let me thanked my hubby for making this possible...alhamdullilah...he notice how bored i am and bought this 3G celcom package for me to use at home. Thank you bi....

actually, baru jer abis baca blog capt. apandi...i never really had the chance before this...and just realized how bad i am for not be able to keep up with his story and life...for all i know, i felt alone. without dear friends, mar and zai...without his (capt apandi) to shout calling my name to his office room...without news about them, i feel awfull...really awfull...am sad for not being a good friend as i should. feel bad for not be able to be there when they need. am very sorry...i could not turn back the time..i just wish and pray that we will always be as a friends.....................................

A New Start?

2007-07-13T17:09:00.000+08:00

dah lama tak update blog and yes i miss all my dear friends that comments and provide me the comfort that i am looking for...

actually..nak kata aku sedih hari ni tak jugak tapi semacam jer perasaan ni...apabila kita menyedari yang kita sayangkan apa yang kita buat tapi terpaksa melepaskan ia pergi, ia akan membawa sedikit keperitan. cuma kita amat berharap perubahan yang kita bawa boleh ke arah yang jauh lebih baik..kenapa aku cakap mcm mengarut ni? well sebb aku merasa kehilangan seorang pakar dalam bidang yang dididik oleh insan bernama capt. apandi...

mengetahui yang dia sudah tiada di tempat biasanya membuatkan aku sedikit sedih tapi aku tahu dia pergi untuk yang jauh lebih baik daripada apa yang ada sekarang..insya Allah...doa aku tak putus...

buat teman2 and en nizam, en ramlee yang still kat MIMA, i pray the best for you and hope that you can bring the best in MIMA also!!!

Frustrated

2007-04-21T09:38:00.004+08:00

I think uh..ever since am here in Paloh, asyik rasa frustrated without reason. Ayaa..have to stop this. But this is something that I want to share.

I teached tuesyen for three kids. All are indian and they are sisters. The point is, what really me frustrated when the elder sister told me (she's in form 1) when her math teacher (math and science are teach in english nowaday..so am not suprise if they could not really understand it) teach them a bit in malay, a bit in english but more in chinese? You are suppose to educate this kids and what did you do? rasa mcm nak report to the ministry..what is this?

some more, she didnt even ask question during classes because the teacher dont want to entertain them? Ghee..too much my dear

Ikhlas Tapi Jauh

2007-04-21T09:20:00.000+08:00

You think you have it all. You think you have friends that willing to lend their hand when you are in need for supports and comforts. You think you have friends that sincere enough to tell you what is wrong and what is right. You think you have friends that will be there during your hardship and happiness.wel...i can keep on going but it will only lead us into one thing, are we sincere enough to be there when someone need us?Are we sincere enough to friend to someone?Do we really have it?

Tell you what..I had been betray not only once, but went through three times during my 26 years of living. And I have not known, how many time will there be in future. One from my own family.It was so painful and until today, it still do. Another from a friend that I called a sister of my own. Been protected her, cherish her, love her as what she is, and taking care of her. But what did I get in return? The last one? Well, someone that deep down in my heart when I want to start believing that this person really change and try to be better man. But who am I kidding?

You can be sincere when you want to.But then how sincere are you? You talk about regret, about the past, about the lost and future.

I do believe in one thing...what goes around comes around. You get back what you give. Why in the first place I want to talk about this? Well, am feeling frustrated actually. Dont know why..

I have found whom I can trust. I have found those who sincere to me. I have found despite of my weakness and wrongdoing, those who sincere enough to care and tell me this is wrong and this is not. I have found them even not many. And I hope you too..

'What goes around, comes around'

Notes on a Scandal

2007-04-17T10:03:00.000+08:00

Watched a movie titled Notes on a Scandal two days ago and have to tell you this...it was and still disturd me a lot. Even after watching that movie, I cant really sleep and have to write down what i felt inside on a piece of paper. And to tell you the truth, this movie really scares me. In what aspect? For a start, I hate this movie which proof to me that it is a Good Movie except until today I am still confused of the reason why I seem to be affected.

The movie- it's about an eldery women who is alone with only her diaries, a history teacher who reaching her retiring age and damn, she likes women..meaning? Lesbian..what else? What disturbing me the most is that her character of being the manipulator. I have known someone that is very manipulative in nature. I have known someone that is very into their own world. I have known a person who have two masks and two personalities but I have not known how dangerous their mind works. Like I told you before, it scares me a lot. The character scares me. Never mind about the scandal between Sheba and her 15 year old student, what really disturd me is the main character shown by Barbara.

Obsession is very dangerous indeed... If you are manipulative and at the same time, very obsessed with someone, this is where the situation might become very threatening to someone's life.

I hate it when someone pretending in front of me. And i believe, semua org pun sama...When you know about pahala dan dosa, halal and haram, why you still doing it? I asked this to my hubby..and the answer was, it's a human nature. That is why ada syaitan and malaikat. But still, when you said to me you dah bertaubat and all the things said to me were about agama and how you want to redeem yourself to be a better man, why you still do things that you are doing now? You said so, this is only not about yourself, but also about your parent, but WHY? Kenapa perlu jadikan agama untuk meraih simpati and trust? Aku pun bukannya alim sangat...tapi agak mengecewakan bila kepercayaan, walaupun sedikit kepercayaan dipergunakan. Even though I dont really trust this person, but like others, I want to believe, mesti ada kebaikan dalam diri seseorang tu walaupun dia jahat. Tapi in this case, sorry...I shouldnt and will not so.

Am still cannot understand Barbara...apatah lagi dengan perangai seseorang yg aku kenal ni...Am still confuse, am still looking for ONE valid reason, how and why. And if I know the reason, can I accept it? Can I?

I dont know...

Me As A Housewife?

2007-04-09T10:31:00.000+08:00

emm...i tried so many times to reply to comments made in my blog but it seem that the blog server is having a problem uh?

Am at Paloh - leaving our princess at Taiping for awhile. Have to make sure all preparation at home are ready for her. Hubby has already paint the house (i told you that already right) and ayoo...banyaknya barang nak beli for her...i.e. her bed, her almari baju etc. emmm

In respond to capt's and maria's comments - bila dah terjatuh baru tahu untung nasib. Am blessed. I think kali ni Allah cakap - siti, baik ko jaga anak and huby ko. hehehe... Alhamdullilah.

Cuma lani am having jangkitan virus yg semua housewife ada..nak tahu apa? pepagi dah ke pasar and bertekak la jugak dengan tokey. Pas tu, yang paling parah, at 2.30 pm, sure dah lepak depan TV and watch the indonesian drama, mexico and philippines...Ayoo....dulu tak terfikir pun akan ke situ, lani ..dont ever ask me to go out during those time kay. I havent miss any part of the drama yet and dont intend to. Heehehhehe. So far, with my new position, i feel a bit relax. Not because I dont feel like doing any thinking, tapi so far, okla. Cuma kekadang tu a bit bored coz fifi is not here with us yet and a bit jelous when my hubby goes to work. teruk tul kan? But i believe I will get use to it. Maybe I might pursue my dream after my second baby is delivered.

Hey, I forgot to post in my blog that AM PREGNANT FOR 4 MONTHS ALREADY. The due date is 19.9.2007. Pandai jugak timing huby ni. Our second anniversary is on 14.9 and fifi will be one year old this 12.9 ..nampaknya, am having two september babies. It still early to tell about the baby's gen. Nantila, bila dah confirm betul2 then I will tell you guys.

Orait. Have to go now. It is time for me to cook my lunch if not am gonna be late for my indonesian drama Bye for now!

new begining

2007-03-31T18:30:00.001+08:00

soryla dah lama tak update blog...tak sempat nak ke cc..lagipun ada di taiping-sayang lak nak keluar and tinggalkan anak lelama..newey, this week memang a new begining for me. First- keluar dari MIMA and missing my dear dear good friends in MIMA and then full time taking care of my dear princess. ghee..she's growing really fast. I was suprised to see her smile easily now and LAUGH.hehehe. you tickle dia skit,terus mengekek.ala...teringat kat dia lak..baru tinggalkan setengah jam.

So far, I feel lucky and blessed. Even though sudah hilang satu punca rezeki, tapi aku tahu ada hikmah disebalik semua ni..

capt- thank you for your support and advises. am glad that i have you as my boss...hehehe.even though garang le sesangat :) but you teached me something..you teached me about LIFE.

kalau sempat, i will attach new pictures of fifi and my home at paloh.. hubby dah packing and cat umah so that it will be fun and encouraging for fifi. yup..am going to bring back our dear princess to stay with us. Insya Allah, after hubby abis training in April, fifi is going to start anew with her ibu and ayah..tak sabar tul.

A few of my friends called me and asked me whether am going to look for another job ASAP. and to tell you the truth dear friends, i cant answer that now. bukan sebab tak nak fikir ke apa tapi bila dah seminggu spent with anak, you akan rasa sayang sangat nak tinggalkan dia. i want to see her grow with my own eyes. seriously..and it's not that i dont want to pursue my dream because i will. Insya Allah...i will. but as for this time being, let me find my own peace with my family.

orait..have to go now. i will update my blog - dont worry! cuma lambat atau cepat jer.

UBAI FROM TAIPING !

sayonara

2007-03-24T11:26:00.001+08:00

It's not easy to say goodbye and walk away. Working at MIMA for 3 years and been through all the hardship - well, it's not been easy to look at my dear friends' face and dear sisters who have been helping me and guide me from my first day as pratical student until promoted as a researcher. Believe me, it is more easy to write my feeling on a piece of paper than looking at their faces and say good bye to them.

To capt apandi, my dear head centre and bos - I thank You so much..there is no special word and feeling to tell you how much grateful I am to you...You believe in me when no one did and you guide me even though i'm a bit slow in catching up.

To mar, hey dear friend - love ya! no one can replace your place in my heart...

to abg mus and k jalila - thank you so much...you guys are good friends! I will miss your arguments and laugh..I will miss your easy way in helping me and I will you all for being there for me.

To k shema, k ina, k su, k ida, k hasina, k armi, sumathy, k linda, k yah, abg nazdrin, abg mi and abg azrul, abg zainul, abah, sam, abg zul, k siti, rita, k norlida, k ida hayati, k murni and k g - glad to have you as part of my life and friendship! am sorry for everything that i have done and hope the BEST for you all..

SAYONARA!!!!!

Once upon a time

2007-03-14T14:07:00.000+08:00

yesterday I attended Symposium on the Straits of Malacca and Singapore at Nikko Hotel, fully supported by the Nippon Foundation. Ramaila jugak participants from Japan which remind me about my japanese clasess during my study dulu...

actually, we have to complete 111 credit hours for my course and 1 credit hours for foreign languages. instead of choosing mandarin (which most of my friends did) I went for japanese language. we have choices - either you choose mandarin, arab, japanese or spanish..

so, the class began with Doreamon song..imagine that... and we had to sang that song every morning. why? because according to my dearest lecture (i forgot her name already) its a world song..everybody know the song, the tune and the cartoon. so, every sunday, when doreamon on air (ntv7), you can imagine i sang it. anyway...we start with a basic hatagana writing (in here, we start with A, B, C). A few basic words such as ohayo gozaimas (good morning), konichiwa (afternoon), konbawa(evening), moshi2 (hello), eik (no) sumimasen (excuse me), dozo (please), arigato gozaimas (thank you), watashiwa (me) and etc which i forgot already. a waste actually coz you spend one year learning how to write hatagana and how to read and speak..and yet, after graduate, you forgot about it already. sayang kan?

i remember when we had this oral test and were asked to identify objects with japanese. i fail the test and since then, the lecture make sure i wrote in my notes every words she said. ayoo..she even remember my name and gave me japanese dictionary with cartoon in it. I have to complete extra task by drawing pictures and write it in japanese and read a few text in front of my classmate. She even asked me to go to her room and privately tutor me..hehehe..kesian kat dia..at least i pass my exam ok..am not bad at all, it just that i am too busy with myself to pay attention during the classes..emm

now i wish i have an extra time so i can catch up with the basic. hopefully...

False Impression

2007-02-23T16:41:00.000+08:00

Have just finished reading a book by Jeffry Archer- title False Impression..I can only summarize this - its good and damn i did not get enough sleep because of this book...anyway - berbaloi la jugak. unlike Dan Brown, aku rasa aku lagi senang baca buku ni...tak la complicated sangat and takla heavy.

Actually, aku bukannya minat sangat nak baca buku2 dari genre ni...first time aku start baca triller pun buku John Rain, tajuk ...tak ingat. okla and it took a week for me to finish whereas i only spent 1 day (minimum) or 2 days (maximum) to finish a fiction novel. and alhamdullilah, this time with Archer, I took a day and a half. okla tu daripada buku John Rain.

Bukan nak kejar masa sebenarnya...if you love to read, you take your time..pampered yourself with the story and kekadang tu, boleh tenggelam terus dalam cerita. For a good writer and a good book, you can find urself in that position...but if you read nonsense, am not suprise if you put aside the book and get bored. until today, i cant get my hand on Da Vinci Code...dont know why...maybe otak aku takleh nak terima genre serious mcm tu.

anyway - would very much recommended for you guys to read False Impression...not that heavy and yes for me, i cant put it down (even during office hour - actually, baru jer abis baca..curi2 masa hari jumaat). So, Good Luck!

ps/ Thanks mar for the book...

New Blog

2007-02-22T17:44:00.000+08:00

This is for enab....

KL - Taiping - KL

2007-02-22T08:50:00.000+08:00

Amik masa jap to update my blog...kang enab boring - abis satu blog dia komen...

last friday (16 Feb. 2007) went back to taiping dengan enab and sani- thank you enab...lov ya!! sbb? tiket bas dah abis and aku dah tak option lain utk balik ke taiping selain daripada 'memaksa' sahabat aku sorang ni menghantar aku ke taiping....bestnya...ala..korang pun memang nak jejalan kan? hehe. tapi itu bukan sebb utama aku nak menulis ari ni..yg aku nak bercerita skit pasal kesesakkan selama 5 jam dalam kereta..

usually, it take 3 hours to reach taiping from KL - dengan bas ke, kereta ke - memang 3 jam.tapi pagi tu (we departed at 2.00 am - saturday morning) and stuck in the jam for almost 3 hours. along the way - semua perhentian full..we managed to rest at tapah (itupun nak parking mcm nak separuh mati, and jalan ke foodcourt punyala jauh, the food? tak yah nak cakap - mcm makan kat kantin asrama). continue our journey and our next stop kat sungai perak..jem jugak...petronas penuh, tandas nak kena beratur (daripada ada semangat nak masuk, terus tarak mood)...alhamdullilah, selamat sampai ke umah mak aku kul 8.30 pagi (lebih kurangla).

from taiping to kl, balik dengan hubby and brother in law...pun sama gak...memang dah expect pun. from 2.15 pm (tuesday - bertolak lambat sangat sebb keta buat hal), stuck in the jam 6 hours..huhuhu..nak nangis pun ada. semua perhentian full, and yg peliknya, hentian Rawang ditutup? gila apa...dahla abg ipar aku dah terdesak sangat nak ke toilet time tu, time tu jugak nak tutup jln masuk ke hentian..gila apa. so aku bedal jer masuk ikut jalan exit..

reached kl at 8.30 and baru kitaorg rest betul2...nak berenti lelama kat hentian rawang tak leh sebb takut keta mampus lagi sekali...

penat? emm...memang penat giler..hubby lak continue his journey from kl to paloh, and reached there at 2.00 am..nak temankan pun takleh sbb aku keja the next day.

so, lain kali, plan elok2 nak balik kg tu..make sure keta tak rosak mcm keta aku ni aahh..tension tul..nasib baik bole start balik (keta), kalau tak, ayah mertua aku nak hantar kitaorg to kl and paloh..alahai...

ps/ - baru sempat baca blog capt this morning, terperasan ada link to my blog. really appreciated it ..tapi bukn whistle..ntah apa la capt..sit-thewhistle la...

mar, bila hang nak ada blog sendiri ni? takkan nak baca blog org lain jer?

Valentine Day

2007-02-14T08:46:00.000+08:00

my dear best friend, maria wrote in her email to me today:

"let us not forget that it is also a day to appreciate and cherish their good friends!"

so dear dear good friends of mine, happy valentine day to you all......may this day, you find your love and cherish it....

and to my father in law - Happy BESDAY!!! emm...nak kena cari hadiah lepas ni...

'Kawan lama'

2007-01-30T11:32:00.000+08:00

Semalam termimpikan kawan lama yg used to be my dear, closest and trusted friend...dont know why i dream about her...mimpi lak pelik..she was asking me why the heck we are no longer kamcing and did she do something wrong...bangun jer dari tido, aku termangu sorang2..lama la jugak aku bertafakur sorang2 daripada kul 5.30 pagi aku bangun, 5.45 baru aku mandi...org cakap, kalau ko terfikirkan org tu, then memang ko akan termimpikan org tu..ye ke?

kalau korang confius, aku sure enab mesti gelak kat aku nyer- (siap hang)...ada cerita sebenarnya kenapa aku dah tak rapat dengan dia ni...seingat akula unless kalau aku dah hilang ingatan la...aku tak pernah sedikit pun abaikan dia...opssi..sorila aku tak leh nak mention name...apa kata aku panggil dia ..emmm bubu...

aku kenal bubu masa aku study lagi..masa tu semester 2 and aku lak masuk class yg aku tak ada geng...so nak tak nak memang kena grouping dgn dia and the geng.. aku rapat dgn bubu and the rest sampaila aku keja..nama pun lebih kurang sama jer and kebetulan lak, perjalanan aku dan dia sama..kami praktikum sama2 so memang kerapatan tu makin kuatla...aku memang jaga dia macm aku jaga adik aku walaupun dia tu tua setahun dari aku..jgn tanya kenapa ...aku pun confius.

yg buat aku sedih sampai lani...cara dia gunakan kepercayaan aku - silap aku jugak..dari dulu aku bukannya senang nak bercerita pasal peribadi aku tapi dgn dia aku bedal jer...yelah bila ko dah percaya..ko percayala kan...ko tak expect pun dia akan bukak pekung di dada...kalau dia nak bercerita tentang keburukan perangai aku...aku tak kisah..ceritala...tapi sampai cerita peribadi aku dekat org lain(aku cerita pada insan2 yg aku sayang and percaya sahaja and aku paling tak suka and pantang kalau org bercerita pasal peribadi aku dengan org lain) - memang melampau and aku tak leh terima...

entahla...aku cuma harap - eventhough sampai hari ni dia duk defend yg dia buat tu utk kebaikan aku (what the heck anyway-urrr...memang aku tak leh nak terima alasan dia) aku memang takleh nak rapat dgn dia mcm dulu..kawan ala2 bacang bole la..tapi utk rapat kembali seperti waktu dulu? nope....no way man..once is enough..i treat you like a princess, you treat me like a dog...

pengajaran besar yg aku belajar ... lani, aku tak suka share masalah aku dgn org lain even dngan yg paling rapat pun..masalah besar aku, biarla aku and Allah sahaja yg tahu. susah nak tahu yg mana kawan and lawan...even ko percaya kat org tu pun, aku rasa, lebih baik aku simpan sendiri...

True friendship is a precious jewel in our lives. A true friend--one who is there in rain or shine--is like a lifeline when we are sinking into the sea of sadness, a beacon to bring us home. They are with us unconditionally, asking nothing in return. They embrace us, help us, and sometimes just sit with us. They rejoice in our successes and console us in our failures. They can also be brutally honest with us about our faults and fallacies, not out of meanness or egotism, but out of a desire to help us avoid the pitfalls they see in our path.

So nurture your friendships. Value them more than any material thing this world has to offer. They are both strong and fragile at the same time. Strong in that no outside force can destroy the bond of true friendship and fragile in that the inside dynamics between two people can. Be a true friend and embrace a true friend. The rewards are great . . .

Perkahwinan

2007-01-29T17:51:00.000+08:00

read an article in saifulislam.com about 'Erti perkahwinan - yang dibina atas perjuangan'. tersentuh sebenarnya....mengingatkan diri sendiri yg aku bukan keseorangan sebenarnya. hopefully, ustaz tak kisah kalau saya masukkan dalam blog saya petikan nasihat senior ustaz ...

"Dalam soal berumah tangga, janganlah terlalu memilih dan hanya mencari yang paling sempurna. Jika kita mahu yang paling sempurna, maka nanti apabila kita membuat keputusan untuk menerima seseorang, kita menganggapnya sebagai seorang yang sempurna. Jika rumah tangga dibina atas fikiran seperti itu, kita tidak expect sebarang kekurangan. Maka selepas berumah tangga, hanya kekurangan isteri sahajalah yang sering terlihat di mata, kerana kita menjangkakan kesempurnaan. Terimalah seseorang, seadanya. Kebaikannya disyukuri, kekurangannya diredhai”, (saifulislam.com)

memang benar - jgn memilih seseorang kerana kesempurnaan...kerana kesempurnaan itu tiada dalam satu perhubungan..and jgn terlalu demanding...when you love someone, it should be unconditional love..it is how you give and take...mengharapkan balasan dalam setiap perhubungan tidak akan mendatangkan sebarang kebahagian pada diri sendiri and partner...emmm..aku bukanlah tempat yg sesuai utk dijadikan rujukan...sekadar berkongsi apa yg pernah aku lalui..

dulu, masa hubby amik keputusan ke johor - his main concern is aku...aku tengah pregnant 5 months masa tu...most of my family were against his decision...mana taknya...aku faham kalau depa tak bagi pun...tapi kami dah sebulat suara..yup, its not easy...it took a lots of my kekuatan utk tidak menangis and give up...kalau korang kata senang - aku ingin melihat di mana kesenangan yg ko maksudkan....

and aku harus akui - life is not easy if you set your mind as that...percayala....and aku rasa aku mahu jadikan pegangan ustaz as pegangan aku... kuantiti is not important but quality is...its how you spent your time with your hubby and children even if they are far away...

believe me...kepenatan tidak akan terasa bila bersama depa...ko cuma akan terasa penat bila keseorangan...emmm...

"Rumah tangga dibina bukan hanya atas cinta, tetapi juga pada saling mempercayai. Jika Allah sudah diingkari, siapa lagikah yang boleh dijadikan tempat meletakkan kepercayaan? Dosa semalam akan pasti menjadi kecurigaan hari ini, esok dan selamanya" (saifulislam.com)

Long Call for Maria

2007-01-29T17:03:00.000+08:00

Last Friday (26th January 2007), I went for Maria's long call at Mahkamah Tinggi Rayuan Kuasa -kuasa Khas bersebelahan dengan Dayabumi..first time attended such ceremony and i think i can understand why this ceremony is so meaningful for those yang dilantik and diterima secara rasmi as a lawyer... the proceeding was similiar with court proceeding - a Judge, case being presented (emm...there were senior lawyers that read the 'soon to be lawyer's background, their appreciations to their families, friends and etc) and then, the Judge will decide whether or not the 'soon to be lawyer' will formally dilantik as lawyer..and disarungkan jubah hitam by their master (during their chambering days).

for me...melihat sendiri bagaimana sahabat aku ni struggle for her clp (dengan research di MIMA and preparation for exam)...gone through the hardship and dugaan sepanjang chambering (9 bulan)...i must say, i am proud of her..really proud...

for maria,
keep up the good work...you deserve the best and may Allah bless you always. Source: http://www.tembeling.com/pp/ (highly recommended - the pictures are great!)

2007-01-24T17:34:00.000+08:00

Dalam hidup ni, you cannot expect things to happen as smooth as you hope...naper aku cakap mcm tu?well...simple, kita bole merancang, yes, tapi untuk menentukan apa yg nak berlaku in future or tomorrow, well keputusan itu bukan ada dalam tangan kita...i have been thinking - these past few days - what have had happen to me and i should be thankful for what ever Allah has given to me...yup...sometimes, during the hardship - you will forget about this - keep on blaming yourself and others for the situation you are in (mostly the othersla). you dont want to take it easy...and then after the problem settled and you are calm, baru you realized that 'what the heck' . this is life dear friends...sometimes, you need someone to remind you so...huhuhu..mcm aku lani la...huhuhu...

oh ya, this is for zainab:

enab, if you love someone, love youself first...then you will know that you have much more love to share and give...i have gone through the same process as you did (bab rahsia tu) but at the end of the day, if you really love him and he love you, he will accept your wrongness and weakness....the most important thing is - you understand him and he understand you...but i will have to say this, accept yourself first then he will accept you...Orait..

okla...chow...

gambar fifi

2007-01-23T09:55:00.000+08:00

tak nak cerita banyak - sebab penat belum abis (travel from taiping to KL) errrrrrrggggg

fifi baru belajar nak meniarap

me and fifi

fifi and her opah

selamat Tahun Baru 1428 H

2007-01-19T08:34:00.000+08:00

dear frenz,

selamat tahun baru - moga tahun hijrah kali ini memberi sedikit kelapangan buat kalian bersama keluarga..semoga dengan kehadiran tahun baru ini, membawa satu perubahan dalam kehidupan kalian...bagi aku di sini, insya Allah, semoga dengan kehadiran tahun baru ini memberi aku sedikit kekuatan, insya Allah....semoga anak kami sihat dan dirahmati Allah sentiasa...

opss....alhamdullilah yg amat sangat kerana akhirnya abg ipar aku nak kawin jugak tahun ni....syukran...insya Allah, bulan 3 ni, ke rembau la aku....hehehehe...merisik dulu and then insya Allah, bulan 5 ni bertunang...aku doakan kebahagian kalian...lagipun dah cukup umur dah dia nak kawin pun...hehehehe.

emmm....buat sahabat2 ku yg lain - maria, jawa - kuatkan hati and semangat...sungguh aku kagum dengan kalian...insya Allah, doa aku sentiasa bersama kalian...

enab and sani - aku harap hubungan kalian dirahmati Allah sentiasa...dilindungiNya and jganla LAMBAT SANGAT NAK KAWIN TU....aku nak makan nasi minyak korang NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

emm....buat bos yang dihormati, aku doakan kebahagian keluarga and dirahmatiNya sentiasa...semoga tahun baru ini membawa seribu makna buat kalian sekeluarga...

k lil - ayoo...siapla...kalau ct jumpa sesaper yg ct berkenan karang - akak kena jumpa dia jugak...kita nak makan nasi minyak awk lak..

CINTA SEORANG PEMBERI

2007-01-10T09:59:00.000+08:00

emm...naper ari ni aku nak cakap pasal cinta seorang pemberi? cinta?

how do you define cinta?

what is actually cinta?

its subjective...banyak yg bole ko cakapkan pasal cinta..definitions dia banyak...tapi cinta seorang pemberi tidak sama dengan cinta org yg menerima..naper aku cakap mcm tu? well..masa aku study dulu, aku ada seorang 'kawan' yg terlalu taksub dengan cinta dia.. apa sahaja yg lelaki tu nak, dia bagi..kekadang tu, sampai sanggup basuhkan baju pakwe dia..nak makan pun nak tunggu pakwe...any decisions, semua datangnya dari lelaki ni..sampai lupa kawan and etc.

yg peliknya, aku tengok lelaki ni tak ada pun, siap keluar dgn pompuan lain lagi....yg paling menyedihkan bila aku tengok cara kawan aku layan lelaki ni and betapa hancurnya dia lepas break up...dulu, aku pernah cakap yg dia ni BODOH..bila kawan dah tak ada, baru ko nak merintih mencari kawan lama...tapi aku siapa utk cakap yg dia bodoh?

dah lama aku loss contact dgn minah ni...sampai aku lupa nama and asal dia....terukkan?

bagi aku...cinta seorang pemberi tak sama dengan cinta org yg menerima...sayangnya seorang pemberi itu, tidak sama dengan sayang org yg menerima...maybe, cinta org yg memberi itu lebih banyak daripada yg menerima...sayangnya seorang pemberi itu lagi banyak daripada org yg menerima...atau, cinta and sayang si pemberi, lagi sedikit daripada cinta and sayang si penerima..

"Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well."- Vincent Van Gogh

menyakitkan hati

2007-01-09T14:01:00.001+08:00

emmm..kenapa hari ni aku sakit hati? actually, dari semalam lagi aku sakit hati...kalau sakit hati pasal kerja, aku leh accept lagi sebb kalau keja tak kena kutuk, bukan keja la namanya tu...aku sakit hati dengan perangai manusia yg bermuka dua...depan cakap lain- belakang cakap lain...apa jenis manusia mcm ni?

aku tak kisah kalau ko tak siap keja...asalkan ko admit ..ini tidak, bila ditanya, cakap dah nak siap and aku tak yah campur tangan...tapi bila aku tengok final result keja tu, sungguh2 menyakitkan hati sebabnya - keja pakai bantai and bukan seperti yg diwal-wal...what the f'''. kalau diikutkan, mau jer aku bantai...nasib baik aku ni jenis marah diam...kalau aku ni jenis memekik sana sini, nasib ko la.......ya rabbi....

LIFE IN ESTET

2007-01-08T09:27:00.000+08:00

Weekend, spent time with hubby di paloh. Alhamdullilah, hujan dah tidak sekerap bulan yg lepas. Air yg naik di jalan2 exit ke kluang and yong peng dah surut and bolela aku balik bercuti bersama hubby. Tak ada banyak yg berubah sepanjang minggu ini. cuma, kawasan estet yang ditenggelami air dah surut and the impact...wow..memang agak terukla...banyak palm oil yg tumbang, tanah lumpur naik agak tinggi di kawasan estet, and I think kawasan estet FELCRA sahaja yang still ada air...maybe sebab kawasan Felcra tu mendap skit kut..sayangnya aku tak sempat nak amik gambar kawasan banjir..tak apalah....kawasan paloh tak terjejas teruk seperti mana kawasan banjir di muar, batu pahat, segamat and etc. Alhamdullilah...estet hubby pun tak terjejas...alhamdullilah, estet dia near to pekan and di kawasan tinggi.

life in estet? well...for certain people, it might be boring...dependla...banyak jugak advantages dia...for example, you dont have to worry about cost of living..memang rendahla compare to KL. you dont have to think about paying electrical bil, air ke...bil telifon ke..its all provided by the management. but for staff - ada limitla....at least kalau aku satu family kat sini, memang tak yah pikir sangat pasal belanja umah...ayam - fresh punya, sayur, well..dependla...kekadang tu you can get the fresh one...cuma ikan, agak expensive and not fresh at all...maybe sebab supply from outside..and yg paling penting sekali - SAVING..memang ada...nak belanja apa sangat....kalau ko jenis boros, memangla...

but to tell you the truth, most of the staff kat dalam estet ni, yg aku perasan, paling koman, depa ada keta kancil..most of them, pakai wira. yg tak tahan tu, ada yg pakai waja tu..alahai.motor, tak yah cakap la..aku rasa memang wajib dalam estet ni ko pakai motor..kalau tak, ko nak masuk field mcm mana...

pekan paloh kecil jer..but sufficient. ada stesen KTM, bank (maybank and bsn), kilang, kedai makan - banyakla jugak, kedai runcit lagila..., cuma yg tak ada KFC, Mcdonald, or Pizza..huhuhu...setakat nak cari bekalan makanan, beres jer...kalau terasa boring tu, bole ke yong peng, kluang (which will take you almost 20-25 minutes by car) or batu pahat..tak jauh..cuma nak ke segamat (lalu jalan kampung) sakit skitla...kiri kanan kelapa sawit.

kalau nak tahu, kul 5.30 pagi, loceng akan berbunyi - time keja (friday cuti kay). memang satu estet leh dengar and kuat GILER. aku kalau tido mati, memang tak dengar..kalau tak, ko bole bangun subuh terus..and then, at 6.10 am, harvesters and staff dah berkumpul for 'master' (punch card), the assistant manager (AM) will brief them on their tasks for the day. and then, after about 1/2 hour or more, you dah masuk field. most of the staff kat sini, local, indonesian, some from india and bangladesh..but yang paling ramai, indonesian and local indian.

tasks will include:

1. harvesting - potong tandan buah yg masak;
2. weeding - meracun;
3. prunning - kutip buah yg luruh (ini wajib sebb nak jaga kawasan kasi bersih and tak der anak pokok yg naik.
4. research - well...aku tak berapa surela..yg ni bukan dalam bidang tugas hubby..so aku pun tak tahu banyak sangat;
5. kilang - each estet ada kilang sendiri tau...so after harvesting tu, terus dibawa ke kilang. dalamla jugak...

one of the task is - susun pelepas...aku tak ingat istilah apa hubby aku bagitau dulu

weeding

weeding - pakai tractor

insofar, ini sahaja yg aku leh fikirkan...staff yg lain- tugasnya bersihkan rumah majikan and staff kerani. umah hubby aku, adala makcik ni yg bersihkan...kecoh jugak mulut dia..kekadang tu, bole sakit jiwa gak aku dibuatnya..huhuhu..tapi, trick dia, masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kirila.

hubby aku, masuk keja kul 6.10 pagi, rest at 10.30 (itupun kalau dia rest), continue his work at 11.30 until 2 pm and rest for an hour..lepas tu, sambungla sampai kul berapa yg perlu..yg selalunya, sepanjang aku duk kat sini, paling awalpun, kul 5.30 pm and paling lewat, after 8.00 mlm..ayooo....aku pun tak tahu nak cakap apa..as a wife, you memang kena ada kesabaran and pengertian sebenarnya. kalau you tak faham dengan keja your husband, then there is no need for a wife...cheeeee.hehehe.

but its true...as a wife, aku memang dah accept life mcm ni sejak hubby accept offer by the KLK. lagipun, mana boring pun....rumah yg dia bagi,besarla jugak...ada banyak keja yg leh ko buat..then , kawasan luar umah pun besar jgk...nak tanam apa pun leh. nak kata, life tak ada...ada sebenarnya..tapi kalau ko sorang2, memang sakitla jugak. most of the AM yg hubby kenal, live separately from their wife and family..ada yg stay togerther..but most of them, live separately. so, you will have to get use to it.

okla...chow.

If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.

2007-01-04T09:41:00.000+08:00

<Dah lama tak update blog...bukan apa..kekadang tu, rasa mcm masa menghimpit diri-tak sempat... well kita dah masuk tahun baru-

makin tua-

makin besar tanggungjawab-

makin tinggi harapan-

makin sibuk-

makin sedikit waktu utk org lain-

makin suntuk masa utk diri sendiri-

sebab

makin banyak yg nak dikejar-

makin banyak yg difulfillkan-

makin banyak yg nak diubah-

makin banyak yg nak dikurangkan-

makin banyak yg nak diucapkan-

makin banyak yg dibuat-

we might not be the same, and we might be the same..terpulang pada diri sendiri..terpulang pada kemampuan dan kudrat...yg paling penting, terpulang kepada KEMAHUAN.

bagi aku...punya kehidupan sendiri-berkeluarga and punya anak yg perlu dibentuk sudah cukup. lately aku terfikir kalau aku tak keja and spend more time with my hubby and anak, agaknya kehidupan kami bagaimana? mampu aku mengubat kerinduan seorang ayah kepada anaknya yg jauh di mata? mampu aku mendekatkan anak dengan ayahnya? atau mampu aku membantu suamiku dalam menguruskan keluarga? aku tidak fikir aku mampu membantu hubby. emm...kalau diikutkan hati aku ni, nak jer aku berenti keja. anak jauh di mata, suami lagila....anak jauh di utara, hubby lak di selatan...tuhan sahajalah yg tahu. kalau hati aku lembek, memang dah lama aku menangis di tengah jalan..aku pun bukannya sekuat mana pun..tapi alhamdullilah...Allah sentiasa memberi...yg penting, mcm mana ko menghargai apa yg diberi.

rindukan anak...rindukan hubby...well, alah tegal bisa. kalau diikutkan hati, memangla...tapi kalau kemahuan itu ada...insya Allah, yg susah bole jadi senang... kalau nak diikutkan jalan pendek memang senang - but at the end, you will not know...sama ada ko akan regret dgn keputusan yg dibuat or be happy with it.

actually, kata2 nenek aku last two weeks yg buat aku terfikir balik apa yg aku nak dalam hidup...dia cakap 'along, sampai bila nak duduk jauh2 dgn laki, anak'....

this is life...you do whatever you have to do in order for your children and your family to have what they deserve to have..dulu aku tak fikir mcm tu pun...dah kawin, dah ada anak...ko akan terfikir yg ko nak bagi apa shj yg termampu utk anak and family ko sendiri.. cuma, ko kena pandai tackle time and action...jgn sampai kejar duit, anak dibelakangkan...kekadang tu apa yg anak nak, tak sama dengan apa yg kita nak...well..been there already..so...aku tak nak anak merasa apa yg pernah aku rasa..

anyway..sempena tahun baru ni...semoga sahabat2 yg aku sayang - maria, zainab, jawa, ina, k long, fiza, ida, g kechik- happy sokmo2...tabah and kuat dalam menempuhi apa yg ada di hadapan...kerana aku tahu, kalian punya cerita hidup yg tersendiri...enab - kawinla wooiit....

kawan2 aku yg lain, adik2 aku yg degil and ketegak tu...this year, jgn nak memain dah...especially adik aku ayuz ni...BELAJAR!!!!! kang ada nak kena belasah kang...

FINALY

2006-12-07T08:27:00.000+08:00

after nine months of waiting, alhamdullilah, finally aku selamat delivered my baby - Nur Afifah bt Nor Azlan. the sweetest moment in my life. she is finaly for me to hold and kiss, to love and dibebelkan. i have no idea that having a baby could change the way i look into life now. so precious...and it did..i dont think i want to barter the moment when i first heard she cried with anything else...alahai.....sweet sangat2...baru aku tahu, kuat jugak anak aku ni menangis..hehehe

at first, tak terasa pun nak bersalin time tu..cuma rasa sakit semacam dari malam 10/09/06..i thought i'm having a normal backache and etc...maklumla lagi 2 minggu kalau nak diikutkan...

kebetulan jalan dengan kawan opis, nasib baikla dia ada utk temankan aku time tu...memang tak larat nak jalan - lenguh and sakit semacam jerr...dont know why.

after sampai di opis, kawan2 opis yg lain suruh aku pi hospital. siap ada org tolong hantarkan lagi. hubby call and concern gila pasal aku dah start sakit2 tapi sempat tu aku cakap tak sakitla...padahal...Allah jerla yg tau...tahu2 jer aku menangis sorang2 dalam bilik bersalin..

went to the pusrawi and terus di bawa ke bilik bersalin. nurse cakap, pintu rahim tak bukak lagi...so kena tahan and dipasangkan alat (aku tak ingat penamanya alat tu) di perut utk dengar heart beat baby...alhamdullilah normal..yg penting baby aku sihat..

sampaile keesokkan arinya, pintu rahim aku tak terbukak jugak- Dr Adilah advised aku operate...sebab takut baby lemas...aku takut sebenarnya..lagipun petang sebelumnya, aku sesak nafas - after nurse suntik ubat tahan sakit - aku terus sesak and diberi bantuan oksigen..aku masa tu? tak tahu nak cakap apa...rasa mcm ..entahla...rasa mcm tak sempat jumpa hubby pun ada...mak aku ada kat sebelah time tu..dia menangis - panik actually and terus paksa hubby aku balik KL jugak petang tu...padahal sebelum aku sesak nafas tu, aku siap buat lawak dgn hubby lagi..lama la jugak aku dalam keadaan tu...yg aku tahu, lepas tu, mak aku, nenek aku, tak pernah nak p jauh dari katil aku..duk jer situ layan selimut aku..aku memang tak larat...

kul 1 pagi, hubby sampai dengan suar pendek dia, selipar, nasib baik dia sempat pi tukar selipar dengan kasut keja, dengan muka penat...sian lak aku tengok laki aku tu...alhamdullilah..tengok muka hubby aku - takla takut sangat aku dibuatnya...yelah..mak aku cepat panik, nenek aku lak, kalau aku sakit jer, berair mata dia...lagila takut aku dibuatnya...tapi aku tahu...depa sayang kat aku..emm....

so, sampai 10.00 pagi, 12/9, pintu rahim still tak terbukak jugak..memang nak kena operate. at first aku refuse..nak induce jer..nak sedaya yg mampu-utk bersalin normal. tapi mak aku insist and hubby aku insist jugak..alasannya, aku dah sehari suntuk menahan sakit - takut tak larat nak meneram..okla. lagipun dr. pun advise bedah jer...so..aku sempatla menengok nenek aku menangis lagi, mak aku menangis lagi sebelum kena heret ke bilik operation..lagila aku naik gabra..aku memang menangis ler sesampai jer dalam bilik operation tu...sampai dr. pun naik pening kut tengok aku..huhuhu....

dah siap dibius....perut kena potong - sakit nak mampus sebab aku bole rasa pisau tu toreh perut aku and bila dr. goyangkan perut aku (ko imagine ek, mcm ko potong ikan - mcm tu agaknya)...mana taknya, ubat bius tak lali pun lagiiiiiiii...masya Allah.......yg aku tahu, aku sempat menjerit jap lepas tu terus pengsan..tahu2 jer, depa alihkan aku ke wad biasa..errr...kalau ditanya, aku nak ke operate lagi? - taak maauuuu...mintala dijauhkan...kalau bole, adik fifi kang, biarla aku normal lak...tak sanggup oden...

saat yg paling aku tak leh nak lupa, bila nurse bawak fifi jumpa aku..subhanallah...kecilnya anak aku....first time menyusukan fifi...aku pegang tangan kecil dia....usup pipi dia yg kemerahan tu...nikmatnya, Allah swt sahajalah yg tahu....sedih..and happy...glad and bersyukur sangat2...alhamdullilah...Allah itu Maha Memberi...Dia berikan aku sedikit kesakitan utk menikmati kebesaranNya...Dia berikan aku sedikit kepayahan, supaya aku merasa nikmat dariNya....

semoga aku sentiasa pegang kesakitan ini utk peringatan aku di hari muka...semoga kesakitan bersalin ini menambah rasa hormat pada mama...semoga dengan kesakitan aku ini, menjadikan hati aku pemaaf kepada segala keburukan and trauma yg aku alami masa budak2 dulu..semoga anak aku, tidak menempuhi apa yg aku tempuhi...tidak merasa sakit yg aku rasai.....kerdil sebenarnya perasaan aku...yup...aku akui...aku menangis lagi..dan lagi....dan aku tahu, hubby memang tak sampai ati melihat aku mcm tu...dan aku tahu, insya Allah...aku mahu jaga hubby sepertimana dia menjaga aku sepanjang aku di hospital and di rumah...

buat kekawan aku - life is too precious...hargai apa yg ko ada...sebab ko tak akan tahu, apa yg akan ko hilang...

dah 9 months.............

2006-09-04T11:24:00.000+08:00

a'kum...

dalam diam tak diam, rupanya dah masuk bulan ke 9 baby ku ini. kalau nak dikira ikut minggu, then dah 37 weeks...i have another 3 weeks to go. tapi hari tu jumpa dr, dia cakap, maybe aku deliver awal kut...sebab nampak mcm dah ke bawah sangat anak ibu yg sorang ni. insya Allah...moga Allah lindungi kandungan ku ini dengan barakahNya.

selalu jugak org bertanya, aku ni dah ready ke nak jadi ibu? mmm...dah nak keluar pun baby, kalau kata tak ready memang sia2la...tapi kalau nak diikutkan, aku sebenarnya rasa takut gila ni...takut nak bersalin tu satu halla...mentalitynya, aku naik seram sejuk kalau jadi apa2 pada baby. insya Allah, tak ada apa kut. dah dua kali termimpikan pasal bersalin ni...aduiii lagila buat aku tak keruan. anyway, eventhought hubby jauh di mata, insya Allah, doanya sentiasa dekat di hati. aku tak harapkan apa2 pun, asalkan baby selamat and aku selamat, insya Allah. moga Allah lindungi kami berdua...

okla...nak siapkan keja sebelum aku bercuti panjang..kang kesianlak kat member2 aku kat opis ni ahhh...tak pasal2 kena take over keja aku...

dah lamanyaaaaaaa

2006-08-22T14:49:00.000+08:00

wah...dah lamanya aku tak update blog...tak sempat and tak terlarat dengan keja yg dah bertimbun atas meja aku ni hah...tapi aku ada berita best - nampaknya abg mus dah ada blog dia sendiri...congrate....itu yg buat semangat angin kus-kus aku datang tu..tapi sekejap jerlah...jenuh aku berusaha nak buat link tapi sampai lani tak dapat2....

anyway, tak lama lagi aku bercuti dua bulan la nampaknya..baby pun dah masuk 33 weeks...perh...mcm tak caya kan yg pregnancy aku dah masuk ke minggu 33.....baby pun sihat-alhamdullilah...aku berdoa sangat yg baby aku ni sihat sampaila aku nak bersalin nanti...so far, baby memang aktif semacam...syukur sangat2. rasanya sebab hubby aku pun tak ada kat sini, so baby pun mcm faham jer yg ayah dia tak ada utk menemankan mummy dia...hehehhe...

aku ingat nak buat diari for my baby tapi tup2 tinggai angan2 jer..memang tak sempat...asal malam jer, mata aku ni memang tak leh nak bertahan utk sesaat - mesti nak melabuh jer....siannnnn...yelah...acila tu sebab aku pun bangun setiap berapa jam utk ke bilik air and sebab aku semput - tak dan nak nafas tul....maybe sebab dah nak masuk ke bulan 9 ni, so sakit belakang and kekerapan nak ke toilet makin menampakkan belangnya...so nak buat mcm mana kan....

last check up, my baby dah 2.4 kg...cuba imagine....tulang sihat, heart beat ok, air ketumban aku pun ok, posisi baby alhamdullilah - dah ke bawah...kaki and tangan - ya rabbi - aktif...

okla..lain kali aku update lagi......chow.

cinta tanpa syarat

2006-04-28T10:16:00.000+08:00

i read this story from saifulislam.com...wanna share with all of you. there are time when we forgot and this time, i did.may Allah forgive me.

Dan hendaklah engkau merendah diri kepada keduanya kerana belas kasihan dan kasih sayangmu, dan doakanlah (untuk mereka, dengan berkata): "Wahai Tuhanku! Cucurilah rahmat kepada mereka berdua sebagaimana mereka telah mencurahkan kasih sayangnya memelihara dan mendidikku semasa kecil." (Al-Israa' 17: 24)

"Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosaku, ampunkan dosa ibu bapaku dan rahmatilah mereka dengan kasih sayang-Mu, sebagaimana mereka menyayangiku ketika diriku masih kecil".

Itulah doa saya sebentar tadi, semasa bersolat zohor.

Entah kenapa, tiba-tiba hati saya terlalu tersentuh dengan doa tersebut. Sedangkan sudah berkali-kali saya membaca doa yang sama. Adakah kerana rindu saya terhadap ayahanda yang sudah masuk 14 tahun meninggalkan kami. Ya, saya rindukannya, terutamanya ketika hidup saya diasak dengan pelbagai cabaran, dan saya rindukan tangan ayahanda yang sering menepuk bahu agar masalah saya mengecil dan pergi oleh senyumannya.

Apakah saya terharu kerana saya rindukan bonda di kampung. Kampung yang sunyi, bersama teman-teman berbualnya yang pulang ke pangkuan Ilahi, seorang demi seorang. Bonda memang kesepian, hanya panggilan telefon dari anak-anaknya sahajalah pengubat sunyi itu. Mujurlah bonda kuat membaca. Majalah I saya hantarkan setiap bulan, kulit ke kulit habis dibacanya. Tazkirah Untuk Orang Mengaji oleh Ustaz Sonharji, saya belikan dan cepat sekali bonda menghadamnya. Kata bonda, "jika sunyi dan tak buat apa-apa, kenalah baca buku. Kalau dibiarkan otak beku, nanti datang jemu dan nyanyuk, jadi pelupa dan kemudian susahlah anak-anak nak melayan orang tua yang begitu."

Saya memang rindukan bonda. Bonda saya juga rindukan suaminya. Jika diselak langsir dapur, sayup-sayup kelihatan sepasang nisan makam ayahanda di tepi masjid sebelah rumah. Bonda sering termenung di tingkap itu, merenung kisah silam mereka, dan kenangan manis membesarkan kami berlima. Arwah nenda pernah berkata, "aku hairan tengok kamu berlima ni. Dari kecil sampai besar, tak pernah bergaduh. Walhal hero-hero belaka!" Saya juga terkenang, memang kami berlima hero-hero belaka. Semua adik beradik saya lelaki tetapi kami memang tidak pernah bergaduh.

Mungkin semua itu kerana watak ayah. Dia menjadi tumpuan kami dan kami sentiasa bergelak ketawa hingga ke meja makan. Kami tiada masa untuk bergaduh kerana semua ketawa dan sedih kami adalah bersama ayah. Namun selepas ayahanda pergi mengejut oleh serangan jantung, keluarga kami sunyi hilang ketawa. Sepi..

Kucing-kucing belaan kami yang suka menjilat peluh ayah semasa dia sakit terlantar, turut mati seekor demi seekor. Begitulah kami di rumah, tertumpu pada ayah. Kini ibu saya pula melayan sepi dan sunyi itu sendirian. Saya sangka, saya sukar menemankan bonda kerana saya terhumban di hujung benua. Selepas lebih sedekad saya di luar negara, saya segera pulang ke kampung halaman. Namun selepas bekerja di KL, rupa-rupanya keadaan tidak banyak berubah. Saya masih sukar untuk balik ke kampung, akibat Kuala Lumpur dan kehidupan saya yang amat menekan masa.

Saya jatuh rindu dan saya mohon ampun dari Allah atas dosa saya membiarkan bonda kesunyian di kampung.

Tetapi tengah hari tadi, saya tidak hiba kerana itu. Ada sesuatu yang lebih halus darinya. Mungkin sebentar tadi, buat kali pertamanya saya dapat merasakan apakah sebenarnya yang saya minta dari Allah, Tuhan yang telah memberikan seorang ibu dan bapa yang pengasih kepada saya.

Mengapakah apabila saya merintih keampunan dari Allah, saya kaitkan ia dengan kasih sayang bonda dan ayah semasa saya kecil?

Hari ini saya berusaha memikirkan jawapannya.

"Rizal minta maaf emak sebab susah sangat nak balik ke Ipoh. Kerja tak habis-habis. Lagi pun ada masanya Rizal cuti, tapi Muna pula yang kerja. Saif selalu menyebut tentang opahnya. Naurah pun dah makin besar. Dan pandai mengajuk cakap", keluhan saya kepada bonda beberapa ketika yang lalu.

"Tak apa, mak pun minta maaf sebab jarang dapat ke Kuala Lumpur. Kaki mak ni asyik sakit, kepala pun berat. Tak seronok nak berjalan-jalan kalau begini. Datang rumah kamu pun nanti menyusahkan sahaja. Asalkan kamu ingat emak dalam doa, Alhamdulillah", itulah suara dari hati bonda.

Semasa berdoa tadi baru saya sedar, ibu saya amat pemaaf. Dia memaafkan saya dan adik beradik yang lain tanpa menyoal apa-apa. Paling menyerlah, pemaaf bonda semasa saya kecil...

Saya pernah teringin untuk minum air sirap ros, tetapi patinya sudah habis. Semasa bonda sibuk menanda buku latihan anak-anak muridnya, saya ke dapur dan cuba memasak gula di dalam periuk. Secawan gula dicampur dengan pewarna merah, dimasak di atas api. Saya baru darjah tiga dan tidak terfikir untuk menambah air. Akhirnya gula hangus dan beku, periuk berkerak dan hampir mustahil untuk dibersihkan. Kerana takut, saya simpan periuk itu di dalam kabinet dapur. Seminggu masa berlalu, apabila bonda terjumpa periuk itu, dia tahu itu angkara saya. Dia tidak marah tetapi mencebikkan muka kesedihan.

"Emak tak marah?", saya cuba memberanikan diri bertanya.

"Emak tak marah kamu cuba masak gula ni. Tapi emak sedih sebab kamu sorok periuk ni dalam kabinet", itulah katanya.

Saya menangis kerana terasa bersalah cuba menipu bonda dan dia dengan segera memujuk.

Saya pernah cuba membasuh kain sendiri, tetapi kerana lupa memasukkan getah ke bilik air, habis seluruh dapur banjir ditenggelami air sabun. Bonda tidak marah.

Saya juga pernah berayun di buaian sambil berdiri walaupun ditegah. Apabila buaian terlalu laju, saya tercampak dan muka tersembam ke pasu bunga. Sampai ke hari ini saya masih dapat merasa tuam pasir panas di pipi yang sudah kebiru-biruan. Bonda tidak marah.

Ayahanda juga tiada bezanya. Dia tidak pernah memaksa saya membaca buku tetapi jika gagal mendapat tempat pertama, dia menepuk bahu saya sambil berkata, "nanti mainlah lagi ya. Jangan baca buku."

Dia tidak marah tetapi saya sendiri yang rasa terseksa dan bersalah.

Saya pernah bergaduh dengan Pengetua di sekolah. "Maaf ustaz, kalau begitulah cakap ustaz, saya pun 'tak hingin' nak sekolah di sini!", jiwa anak muda di Tingkatan 4 memberontak. Saya pulang ke asrama, mengemas beg baju dan langsung meninggalkan Negeri Sembilan untuk pulang ke kampung tanpa berfikir panjang.

Saya tiba di Ipoh selewat jam 11 malam. Ayah amat terkejut dengan tindakan saya berhenti sekolah, tetapi dia tidak marah. Dia berikan saya wang RM50 sambil berkata, "ambil duit ni dan uruskan sendiri kamu nak bersekolah mana selepas ini". Itu cara ayah saya. Dia jarang sekali marah.

Ayah dan bonda saya amat mudah memaafkan saya. Tidak kira apa sahaja karenah kami, mereka memaafkan kami seadanya. Mereka menerima kami sebagai anak-anak yang banyak kelemahan dan atas penerimaan itu, mereka mengasihi kami TANPA SYARAT.

Ayah dan bonda menerima saya atas segala yang ada pada diri ini. Saya taat atau degil, saya rajin dan saya culas, saya senyum atau saya menjerit, mereka menerima saya seadanya. Mereka terus menyayangi dan mengasihi saya tanpa syarat. Mereka tidak pernah memberitahu saya bahawa semua kebaikan yang mereka buat selama ini, mesti dibalas apabila kami telah dewasa. Kami balas atau tidak, kami ingat atau lupa, tugas mereka hanyalah membesarkan kami dengan penuh kasih sayang, TANPA SYARAT.

Allah memberikan percikan sifat Rahman dan Rahim untuk makhluk-Nya mengasihi tanpa syarat, hanyalah pada naluri dan hati seorang ibu dan bapa kepada anaknya. Suami mengasihi isteri, sering mengharap balas. Isteri mengasihi suami, kerap juga ada sesuatu yang terselindung di sebaliknya. Apatah lagi jika hanya antara dua sahabat. Sukar untuk dipastikan tulus persahabatan mereka. Bolehkah seorang sahabat memaafkan sahabatnya tanpa syarat? Mungkin ada, tapi sering tiada.

Apa yang pasti, hanya ibu bapa sahaja yang mampu mengasihi anak-anaknya tanpa syarat. Sebab itulah anak-anak tidak mampu membalas kasih itu. Jika seorang anak jatuh sakit, ibu bapa sanggup berjaga malam dan berdoa agar si anak sembuh dan dipanjangkan umur. Namun apabila tiba giliran anak menjaga ibu bapanya, mereka mungkin terus menjaga, tetapi hati mudah berkata, "bilalah orang tua ini nak mati!". Ya Allah, lindungilah aku dari menjadi anak seperti itu.

Hati saya amat sedih melihat kaum Cina di KL berebut-rebut menghantar ibu dan bapa mereka ke wad kecemasan Hospital UKM sehari sebelum Tahun Baru Cina. Pesakit berumur 60 tahun (kalau tak silap saya) ke atas, rawatan di HUKM adalah percuma. Maka inilah cara mudah mereka untuk get rid ibu bapa mereka di musim perayaan. Kalau hantar ke rumah orang tua-tua, mahal pulak bayarannya. Allah Allah....

Saya masih ingat dialog ayah tengah hari itu. Dia baru sahaja pulang dari menunaikan Haji.

"Abah kat Mekah doa apa, abah?", saya bertanya.

"Abah doa supaya Allah jangan panjangkan umur abah sampai nyanyuk. Takut anak-anak tak tahan. Takut kamu jadi anak durhaka!", kata ayah saya sambil mata redupnya merenung saya yang terkelu lidah. "Abah, jangan cakap macam tu...", saya sebak dan hanya mampu membiarkan air mata kering di pipi. Ayah pergi meninggalkan kami pada malam hari lahir saya yang ke-17, hanya setahun lebih selepas perbualan kami itu.

Anak-anak, jiwanya tidak sebesar ayah dan bonda. Kasihnya kadang-kadang tidak sampai ke makam ayah dan bonda. Namun seorang ibu dan ayah, mampu menahan pedih dan perit membesarkan anak-anaknya. Bukan setahun dua malah majoriti nyawa dan usia. Mereka mampu membelai, mereka mudah memaafkan kita, kerana mereka kasih dan cinta, dengan CINTA TANPA SYARAT.

Ya Allah, aku lemah, aku banyak dosa. Aku suka mengeluh, aku kerap lalai dan alpa. Ampunkanlah aku ya Allah. Ampunkan diriku dengan pengampunan oleh sifat-Mu yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang. Ampun dan kasihanilah aku, mudah-mudahan tanpa banyak hisab, tanpa banyak syarat, sebagaimana ibu bapaku memaafkan aku tanpa syarat, mengasihiku tanpa mengharapkan balasan.

Ampunkan jua mereka, dan limpahkan Rahmah-Mu kepada mereka. Mereka yang mengasihiku tanpa syarat, Kau maafkan mereka dan limpahkan Kasih-sayangMu kepada mereka, tanpa hisab dan syarat...

NAMUN...

Mungkinkah semua itu, Allah kurniakan kepada saya? Siapakah saya untuk meminta pengampunan yang terus tanpa syarat? Malah jika setiap detik hidup dalam sehari itu dihitung, terasa betapa dosa sahaja yang banyak berbekas. Sedangkan tanpa saya sedar saya banyak meletakkan syarat terhadap Allah. Aku ingat kepada-Mu, dengan syarat aku sudah hilang penyelesaian. Aku sanggup lakukan apa yang Engkau suruh, tetapi selepas aku melihat apa kebaikan yang aku dapat!

Hinanya diriku. Lupa sudah pada hakikat diri sebagai hamba. Hamba yang tidak layak meminta, apatah lagi untuk meletakkan syarat kepada Tuhannya. Astaghfirullah.

Menghitung hari, padanya terpalit pelbagai dosa. Paling kurang, setiap hari saya dibelenggu rasa terkilan dan berdosa kerana bonda kesunyian di kampung. Setelah pulang ke Malaysia, saya masih belum dapat menjaganya di depan mata.

Bayangkan, jika Allah mengampunkan kita dengan syarat, binasalah diri ini. Mampukah saya lepas segala syarat itu? Jika Allah syaratkan setiap solatku mesti khusyuk, apakah ada satu solatku yang sampai kepada apa yang Allah syaratkan itu?

Sesungguhnya tidak mungkin kita selamat dengan hanya melihat pada amalan. Melainkan Rahmat Allah itu jualah jawapannya. Dengan kasih sayang-Nya.

Tetapi Rahmat Allah bukan perkara kecil. Ia diminta dengan tawasul kita kepada sifat al-Wahhab Allah SWT. Saya baru mendengar kuliah 99 nama Allah tentang al-Wahhab dari Ustaz Kariman dan ia menambah hiba di hati saya.

Allah sebagai Tuhan yang bersifat al-Wahhab bermaksud Yang Maha Memberi. Namun memberi dengan sifat al-Wahhab itu, terkandung di dalamnya lima sifat:

(1) Memberi tanpa meminta apa-apa balasan. Allah, Tuhan yang al-Wahhab itu Maha Kaya, tidak perlu kepada Makhluk. Kerana itulah Allah SWT Memberi dengan sifat-Nya yang al-Wahhab tanpa mengurangkan langsung perbendaharaan-Nya. Percikan sifat al-Wahhab itu Allah limpahkan kepada jiwa ibu bapa kita agar mereka kaya dengan kasih dan sayang. Sayang kepada seorang anak tidak berbeza dengan sayangnya kepada 9 anak yang menyusul kemudian. Anak durhaka, menconteng arang ke muka, mereka masih terus memberi kasih sayang, kerana mereka beroleh kasih sayang Rahmat Allah yang al-Wahhab.

(2) Memberi secara berulang-ulang. Al-Wahhab terus memberi berulang kali, tidak jemu Memberi dan tidak Marah diminta. Percikan sifat inilah yang Allah limpahkan ke jiwa ibu bapa kita. Mintalah susu pada setiap malam di usia kecilmu. Ibu akan bangun meraba dinding mencari cahaya, demi anak yang diberikan hati dan cinta. Dia tidak jemu, bahkan sejurus selepas kita dewasa, diberikannya pula cinta itu kepada adik kecil yang baru menjenguk datang ke hidup duniawi.

(3) Memberi tanpa diminta. Allah SWT Tuhan yang al-Wahhab, memberi tanpa diminta. Hitunglah pada pelbagai yang ada di sekeliling kita. Dia berikan kita wajah yang cantik tanpa kita minta. Dia berikan kita sahabat yang baik, tanpa kita minta dan jangka. Allah itu Maha Memberi dengan sifat-Nya yang al-Wahhab. Sifat inilah yang Allah tanamkan kepada naluri ibu dan bapa. Pelbagai keperluan dan hiasan hidup diberikan tanpa diminta. Ibu mencium dahi, ayah menyapu kepala, semuanya demi sayang mereka kepada kita, sayang yang diberi tanpa diminta.

(4) Memberi sesuatu yang amat berharga. Allah Dia yang al-Wahhab memberi dengan sifat itu perkara-perkara besar yang amat berharga. Dia kurniakan kita dengan sifat al-Wahhab itu, bukanlah hiasan-hiasan dunia yang tidak berharga. Al-Wahhab, dari-Nya datang RAHMAT yang menyelamatkan kita, mengampunkan kita, memelihara kita tanpa menghitung-hitung satu taat dibalas nikmat, satu maksiat dibalas binasa dan kiamat. Peluang demi peluang diberikan. Sehinggalah sampai masa pintu taubat itu Dia tutup atau kita menutupnya sendiri. Semuanya diberikan kerana kita hidup untuk TUJUAN yang besar. Cebis-cebis sifat inilah Allah limpahkan kepada jiwa ibu dan bapa kita. Diberikannya kasih sayang yang tidak mampu diberi walau oleh dua pasangan yang paling bercinta. Kasihnya ibu membawa ke syurga, kasihnya ayah selama-lama. Semuanya diberi agar kita membesar penuh sempurna, menjadi insan yang berjaya dan mulia.

(5) Memberi sesuatu yang baik untuk menghasilkan kebaikan. Allah jua dengan sifat al-Wahhab memberikan pelbagai kebaikan kepada kita, agar dengan kebaikan itu kita sambut dengan syukur dan taat, berupa khidmat kepada sesama insan. Diberikan-Nya kita harta, agar kita bersedekah. Diberikan-Nya kita ilmu agar kita berdakwah. Diberikan-Nya kita pelbagai yang baik, agar dengannya kita berbuat baik.

Kita mohon agar Allah limpahkan Rahmat-Nya kepada kedua ibu bapa kita. Allah memberikan rahmat itu dengan sifat al-Wahhab-Nya. Dengan itu jualah diberikan-Nya ibu dan bapa kita kasih sayang tanpa syarat untuk anak-anak mereka. Dengan itu jualah mudah-mudahan Allah mengasihani kita tanpa syarat, mengampunkan kita tanpa syarat. Kerana syarat Allah terlalu perkasa untuk disahut oleh hamba yang lemah dan kerdil seperti kita.

"Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosaku, ampunkan dosa ibu bapaku dan rahmatilah mereka dengan kasih sayang-Mu, sebagaimana mereka menyayangiku ketika diriku masih kecil".

Ameen.

ERKKKKKK

2006-04-27T08:20:00.000+08:00

erkkk.....dah lama tidak menjenguk my blog. dah lama jugak aku menunggu bia keja aku nak siap. makin bertambah daripada hilang terus. anyway..hari ni ada board meeting nampaknya mima makan free lagila. besttnnya tapi yg tak bestnya sebab nak kena makan sekali dgn board member. kalau friendly tu tak apa...ini tidak. aduhai malasnya. rasa mcm nak escape jer hari ni. newey, hari ni bos aku present his paper to the board. insya Allah.aku rasa tak ada problemla sebab paper dia aku dah baca. memang best. isu ada and etc. talking about the PMS or private maritime security. kindda excited jugak aku ni sebab kalau tak ada aral melintang, terpublishla paper bos aku ni dalam mima issue paper. excited oooiiii.....aku bila la nak ikut jejak dia ek? hehehhee.

baby dalam kandungan dah berusia 19 minggu. ada lagi seminggu and then cukupla 5 month aku pregnant. wah cepatnya masa berjalan...mesti baby aku dah membesar ni. hehehe..cant wait for my baby to kick me.

okla. aku pun nak pi news ni. jap lagi tak sempat sebab nak buat kerja lak. baby aku ni dah expert bab maritime issues agaknya. alhamdulililah.

a touching story-Allah is great

2006-04-13T12:13:00.000+08:00

A Story to be shared....

This story was written by a Muslim doctor who worked in Africa.
One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but
in spite of all we could do she died leaving us with a tiny

premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter.

We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no
incubator.
(We had no electricity to run an incubator.) We also had no special
feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were
often chilly with treacherous drafts.

One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the
cotton wool the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up
the fire and fill a
hot water bottle.
She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the
bottle, it had burst. Rubber perishes easily in tropical climates.

And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed.
It is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might
be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not
grow on trees, and there are no
drugstores down forest pathways.

"All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely
can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from
drafts. "Your job is to keep the baby warm."
The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with
any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me.

I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about
and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about
keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle. The
baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the
two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During the prayer time, one
ten-year-old girl, prayed with the
usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, Allah,"
she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow,
Allah, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon."

While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added by
way of a corollary, "And while You are about it, would You please
send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love
her?"

As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I
honestly say, "Ameen?" I just did not believe that Allah could do
this.

Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything. The Holy Quraan says so.
But there are limits, aren't there? The only way Allah could
answer would be for a package to arrive from the homeland.

I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had
never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send
me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the
equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses'
training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my
front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but
there, on the verandah, was a large twenty-two pound
parcel.

I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone,
so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we
pulled off the
string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking
care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting

.
Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large
cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted
cotton jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were
the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children
looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and
sultanas-

that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my
hand in again, I felt the...could it really be? I grasped it and
pulled it out -- yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle, I cried.
I had not asked Allah to send it; I had not truly believed
that He could.

The ten year old was in the front row of the children. She rushed
forward, crying out, If Allah has sent the bottle, He must have sent
the dolly, too!"

Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small,
beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted.

Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you, Mummy, and
give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Allah
really loves her?"

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by
my former school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed Allah's
prompting to send a hot water
bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a
dolly for an
African child- five months before -- in answer to the believing
prayer of
a ten- year-old to bring it "that afternoon."

"Before they call for prayer, I will answer all prayers!"

Allah wants us to ask of Him.and he will surely answer.

Please share this amazing story with as many
others as you can.

Our Allah really IS . . . AN AWESOME Allah!

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED:

Don't ever underestimate the POWER OF ALLAH-

Allah can do anything Allah desires

Kids are innocent and pure- Their duas[prayers] are easily and
quickly answered by Allah

The Dedication of this Muslim Doctor - spare time was devoted to
Allah to bring others closer to Him- Lets also become inviters to
ALLAH

Don't forget others in need.you may never know when you would be in
need!

Always contribute to good causes.you never know the little you give
may save some ones life..or in which way it will benefit them.

facing death

2006-04-10T16:28:00.000+08:00

dear all...just wanna share for all of you.

FACING DEATH

A testimony of a Muslim Stricken with Metastasis Cancer

For Free Distribution

From the Author

I wrote this article to share certain knowledge that I gained throughout my ordeal dealing with cancer since 2002. But for personal reasons, I prefer this article to be distributed to others after my death:

1) to our brothers and sisters, including abah & emak,
2) for my family, a hardcopy for safekeeping for my children,
3) for my Klang family
4) to Shahlan – for distribution to friends in Australia
5) to Hj Kuchai – for distribution to friends in Waltop (my batch in MRSM) & MRSM KB group,
6) to Azharuddin – for distribution to my staff & SCS group & Sapura friends and TNB friends
7) to my community in my area, via my surau – to be given to Hj Shahrif / Hj Raof.

To those people who know the author of this article, I sincerely apologise for any of my wrong doings to you, halal makan & minum, pray that Allah s.w.t. will forgive and bless me with His Mercy (Jannah). Assalaamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh to all of you.

The Author
22nd July 2005

(The author passed away peacefully at the age of 39 in his Taman Permata home on the 27th. November 2005due to terminal cancer. He is survived by his wife, a young son and two younger daughters. He left behind a clear request to distribute this article only after his death. Pray that Allah give His Mercy to his soul and reward him with Jannah. Ameen) – his elder brother

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim

FACING DEATH

1. INTRODUCTION

Assalamu’alaikum Brothers and Sisters in Islam.

First of all, please allow me to identify myself on as K. My main reason to remain anonymous is because I want the readers to concentrate more on the content of this article rather than to concentrate on the character of the author, i.e. me. This is because this article contains things that I learned from personal experience throughout my ordeal in facing death, which I feel is now my obligation to share with my Muslim Brothers and Sisters.

At the same time, however, I know I am far from being a perfect Muslim, and I am still unsure of the state I would be in when my Creator finally calls me. I am still worried whether I would really pass the test i.e. the pain, the agony, especially during Sakaratul Maut. Therefore, I do not want the state of my death to affect the credibility of the knowledge that I want to share with you in this article.

As the main purpose of this article is to share my knowledge and experience, you may distribute this freely to others. Those who know me, if required you can mention verbally about the author, but no name please. The same applies to those who receive the information. Like I said earlier, it is not important to know who the author was. What is more important to ponder the information I am sharing with you in this article.

Last but not least, the views expressed in this article are solely my opinions. This means that I could be right and I could also be wrong. If you have doubts on some of my views, by all means consult the experts, the Islamic Scholars in particular.

If I am proven wrong, take the article from the Islamic Scholars and please ignore mine. What I am doing here is just sharing with my fellow Brothers and Sisters in Islam what I have learnt to the best of my knowledge, hoping that we could all learn something from it.

1.1 A Brief History of My Illness

In the fourth quarter of year 2002, I was diagnosed with Choroidal Metanoma, a cancer of the choroids behind the retina in my right eye. By the time it was correctly diagnosed, the cancer had already grown to a considerable size where it was no longer possible to save the vision through an operation, although there was still a chance to save the eyeball.

But such an operation would be very costly, as it could only be performed in a foreign country. Furthermore, there would be costs for the subsequent treatments (radiation therapy), etc; and yet the risk of “recurrence” would still be very high, plus some other possible complications. A better solution as suggested by the local experts was “Enucleation”, i.e. to remove the right eyeball completely.

It was a tough decision to allow the doctors to enucleate my right eyeball. But Alhamdulillah, after a lot of prayers and putting a lot of thoughts to it, I decided to have it done. To cut the story short, Allah s.w.t. gave me another one and a half months before the operation could take place; at first because of my request to spare me from the operation for another two weeks. Subsequently the operation had to be further postponed due to the unavailability of the correct size of the artificial eye that needed to be placed in my right eye’s orbit.

The one and a half months is a period that will be referred in this article, so please allow me to term it as Grace Period 1.

The enucleation and the artificial eye implant took place in November 2002, during the month of Ramadhan. I had to miss a few days of fasting, but I could no longer postpone the operation due to the high risk of it spreading to other parts of the body. Alhamdulillah, the operation went well, and Alhamdulillah, Allah made me recover from the operation fairly quickly, making it possible for me to carry on with my fasting for the remaining days.

The histopathology report that came later confirmed that the cancer was confined to the eyeball and there was still a considerably good margin separating the cancer cells from the eyeball’s main blood vessels, Alhamdulillah.

Having done the enucleation was not the end of the story. I became aware by reading articles from the internet and also from doctors, that I was still at risk of experiencing “recurrence” or worse, the fatal metastasis cancer (cancer that spreads to other parts of the body). As for metastasis cancer, the most common part that would be affected due to choroidal melanoma is the liver.

Therefore I always had to go for medical checkups every 6 months, to do a CT Scan of the brain and orbit, and an ultrasound of the liver. All praise is due to Allah s.w.t., I lived a normal life from the moment I recovered from the enucleation in November 2002 until the last quarter of year of 2004. For easy reference later in this article, I term this period as Grace Period 2.

In the middle of year 2004, I started sensing some changes in me. The changes were in terms of my energy levels; I started to feel very tired at the end of the day. There were times when I just felt a bit tired all out of a sudden, but after a while I felt ok again. I also discovered I had to take a long time to recover from a simple flu, instead of my normal 2 hours (using panadol + sleeping under a blanket), I now took 2 days to recover.

I then began to realize that something was not very right with me. It could be either my fitness level had dropped due to the lack of exercise (unlike before the enucleation operation), or because of the possible metastasis cancer mentioned before. Anyway, my next scheduled CT Scan and Ultrasound was just around the corner, i.e. in early August, which would be a good opportunity to check the cause of the problem.

The result of the ultrasound scan confirmed that I had Multiple Liver Metastasis. It was indeed a heavy blow to me, previously I was loosing my eye and now I was going to loose my life. I was told that if not treated, I might only have 6 months or so to live. To make things worse, the Head of Oncology Department confirmed that at present, metastasis cancer of the liver due to choroidal melanoma has very limited solutions. And all these solutions have low percentage rate of success. At best even if successful, the solution would only help to prolong life for a few more months or so. Anyhow, he still suggested that I go for the proposed treatments, and I did.

So that is the condition I am in today at this point of writing. Still struggling with the cancer. I have gone for most of the proposed treatments (chemotherapy, chemo embolization, etc.) and Alhamdulillah, I am still alive at this point of time. It has been more than 11 months since I was first diagnosed with the metastasis cancer, and I am referring to this period as Grace Period 3.

But from the medical reports, I have the feeling that this period will not be long, because the metastasis cancers are still growing and I am beginning to feel and experience the effects. It may just be a matter of time now, before Allah s.w.t. decide to end my life or to cure me through His miracles.

The above is a brief history of my illness, which I think is important to know before you will be able to understand the remaining content of my article.

[For more information about Choroidal Melanoma and Metastasis Cancer, just do a google search, insyaAllah you will find lots of information about it. One example is the site below:
http://www.eyecancer.com/MetastaticMelanoma/MetMel.html]

2. The Principle Attitude to be adopted

It is not easy to list down in the right chronology the things that I learned throughout my ordeal, as they involved various time spans. So I will try my best to arrange them according to what I think is best. Honestly, I do not have much time to think about the strategy to write this article. So please forgive me for all shortcomings.

I will start with what I term as “The Attitude” to be adopted when facng a situation like mine. This is important as it will determine your next course of actions.

“Have a Strong Will to Fight it!”

When I was told that I had choroidal melanoma in my right eye, and the best solution was to remove the eyeball completely (enucleation), I was really in total state of confusion. This was because while all the doctors advised me to go for the enucleation immediately, my close relatives and friends said that there existed alternative medications that could help remove or reduce the tumor size, citing several personally known cases, and advising me that I should give some time to try them out.

But everyone of them shared one particular common principle, which was that “You must have a strong will to fight this cancer”. In other words, I should do whatever necessary to fight the cancer not only from the physical treatment point of view (surgery, chemotherapy, alternative medications and supplements, etc.), but also from the emotional, mental and spiritual point of view (positive thinking, meditation, constant prayers and supplications to Allah s.w.t. for recovery, constantly reciting certain verses of the Quran and some shalawat related to Asy-Syifa’, etc.).

I subscribe to this idea to “fight this cancer from all aspects mentioned above”. I used my granted Grace Period 1 from Allah s.w.t. to try all other kinds of alternative treatments that I could find. I spent a lot of money going from one place to another for treatments, etc., hoping that the cancer could be reduced or at least controlled from further growth.

I also used this same period to “fight the cancer” from the spiritual, emotional and mental point of view by increasing my daily Quranic readings and night prayers, crying in front of Allah s.w.t. while asking for His mercy for my recovery, constantly reciting the recommended Quranic verses and shalawat, meditation, and so many others.

Nevertheless despite all these efforts, I could see that the cancer was still growing (remember, the cancer was in my eye, so I could see the spot that was affecting my vision becoming larger and larger). At the time when the artificial eye was available (end of Grace Period 1), I could see that there was no improvement, which meant that I had no more reasons to ask for further postponement.

It was also becoming too risky, i.e. the gap was becoming narrower between the cancer spot and the main inlet/outlet for the eye, where the main blood vessels are, i.e. the blind spot. So I decided to proceed with enucleation, convincing myself that this was what Allah had wanted. I forced myself to “redha” (true acceptance) with Allah’s decision, as that was the only choice I had in order to overcome my frustration.

As you know, more than one and a half years later I got the news that I have metastasis cancer. It was a big blow to me when I received the news. Before this I was about to lose my eye, and now I am about to lose my life.

I spent a considerable amount of time pondering about all these things that I had gone through and about to go through. I also prayed to Allah s.w.t. for His guidance, as I was not sure what was going to happen to me and what I was supposed to do. I already had the experience fighting the eye cancer before in which I failed and had caused me a little bit of depression. So I was not sure now if I really could go through it all over again fighting even more severely for something which was more crucial – my life.

But Alhamdulillah, Allah s.w.t. then helped me “see things” I had never “seen” before. I suddenly realized that my ordeal while facing the eye cancer problems actually contained lessons for me to face my second ordeal, the possibility of losing my life. The lessons are:

 The fact that I could not save my eye despite all the efforts I made physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, reminds me that none of my body parts actually belong to me. They are merely “lent” to me by Allah s.w.t. Before this, I only understood this fact “theoretically”, now I really know it for sure.

 When Allah s.w.t. had willed to take away my eye, nothing could stop this decision. So what makes me think now that I can stop Allah s.w.t. if He decides to take away my life?

 Throughout Grace Period 1, I never knew what Allah s.w.t’s final decision would be for my eye until I discovered that it was too risky to postpone the enucleation. So, was adopting the “fighting the cancer” attitude, especially from spiritual point of view, really worth it? What I discovered was that I was still having some feelings of disappointment at times, as if Allah s.w.t did not answer my prayers despite all the spiritual efforts I made. These were the whispers of Syaitan, who continuously try to divert mankind away from Allah s.w.t.

All the above now contribute to a very important lesson in my life, which is as follows:

The advise to “Have a strong will to fight cancer from all aspects of life (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual”) could actually be a very dangerous attitude for a Muslim to adopt. I was lucky I had that first experience, and the thing I was fighting for was only to save my eye. But what if at that time, I was actually fighting for my life? What if while I was fighting for my life suddenly I discovered that the Angel of death was now in front of me about to take my life away?

I could have died while being displeased with Allah s.e.t’s decision to take away my life; because I had made a lot of efforts, prayers and supplications to Him but yet it would seem then as though He had not answered any of my prayers (na’udzubillah). Had I died in this situation, i.e. with the feeling of displeasure to Allah s.w.t. do you think Allah s.w.t. would still be pleased with me? I don’t think so.

I therefore realized that the attitude to “Have a strong will to fight cancer from all aspects of life (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual)” is definitely a wrong and dangerous attitude for me to adopt, especially now when I am about to lose my life due to this metastasis cancer.

So What Attitude to Adopt?

My ordeal fighting the eye cancer was a very important lesson for me. I know for sure that “having a strong will to fight” is a very wrong thing to do. Why fight for something when I am not sure what the outcome would be? Especially after knowing that Allah s.w.t. has already decreed for each one of us how long we shall live in this world, and that none can stop it when the time comes.

“But to no soul will Allah grant respite when the time appointed (for it) has come; and Allah is well-acquainted with (all) that ye do”.
(Al-Munaafiqun: 11)

“Wherever ye are, death will find you out, even if ye are in towers built up strong and high!....”
(An-Nisaa’: 78)

“We have decreed Death to be your common lot, and We are not to be frustrated.”
(Al- Waqia’ah: 60)

“He is the Irresistible, (watching) from above over His worshippers, and He sets guardians over you. At length, when death approaches one of you, Our angels take his soul, and they never fail in their duty.”
(Al-An’am: 61)

The above are just four out of so many Quranic verses talking about Life and Death, all reminding us of whom we are, nothing but weak human beings who live in this world at the mercy of Allah s.w.t. So to put up a strong fight for my life while not knowing what Allah s.w.t. has decided for me (as it is totally beyond my knowledge), is definitely not the right thing to do. Furthermore, as I have discussed previously, this attitude could be very dangerous as I may die while being displeased with Allah s.w.t’s decision.

The next obvious question is “What then should be my correct attitude in facing this possibility of loosing my life?”. The answer lies in the Quran in the following verse:

“To Allah do belong the unseen (secrets) of the heavens and the earth, and to Him goeth back every affair (for decision):then worship Him, and put thy trust in Him: and thy Lord is not unmindful of aught that ye do.
(Hud: 123)

The above verse clearly indicates that we have no knowledge of the Unseen (including the time of our deaths) as they belong to Allah s.w.t. alone, and that all affairs are for him to decide. We are asked to put our trust (tawakkal) in Him alone. Allah s.w.t. also said in the Quran:

“Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Who say, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return”. They are those on whom (descend) blessings from their Lord, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.
(Al-Baqarah: 155-157)

Based on these facts, I therefore have chosen to let Allah s.w.t. decide for me, whether to heal me or to take away my life, as I realized that it is not for me to decide on this unseen thing.

My supplication to Allah s.w.t. have also changed. Previously when I was about to lose my eye, I did a lot of prayers and supplications to Allah s.w.t. asking Him for my recovery. But this time, all I ask from Allah s.w.t. is whatever His decision will be, let it be the best for me; i.e. if He decides to heal me, make me a better person and a very obedient servant of His; if on the other hand He decides to take away my life, I beg Him to take me away during the time He is truly pleased with me and to bless me with His forgiveness and mercy. I also asked Allah s.w.t. to make me among “those who patiently persevere”, as I do not know how much pain and agony I will have to face later on in the future. That is all I ask from Him, and I put all my trust in Him as is commanded by Him in the above verse.

This is the concept of “Redha” (true acceptance) of what Allah s.w.t. has decreed upon us, and “Tawakkal” i.e. putting all trust to Allah s.w.t. It is not something that can be easily achieved without the help from Allah s.w.t. Therefore, you will have to continuously ask Allah s.w.t. to help you achieve it. That is what I did, and I discovered Allah s.w.t. is so Merciful and He will help you when you sincerely ask for it. I will talk about this in the next section insyaAllah.

What is more important to tell you at this stage are what I have personally experienced after adopting this “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude in replace of “You must have a strong will to fight the cancer” attitude. The things that I discovered are as follows:

 With the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude, I discovered that I began to really enjoy doing my prayers, supplications to Allah s.w.t. and all kinds of other ibadah (Solat, Zikrullah, Quranic readings and studies, etc); as I now do all these only with the hope to obtain His blessings and forgiveness and nothing else.

With the “strong will to fight the cancer” attitude, I was having a lot of conflicts within myself when I performed all the above ibadah, because I was not sure if I was doing them to get Allah s.w.t’s blessing and forgiveness or because I was desperate for recovery. Sometimes I felt guilty of being selfish, I felt that I did all these because I was only thinking for myself (i.e. for my recovery), not because of trying to please Allah s.w.t. Honestly, it was really awful to have that kind of feeling while doing your ibadah.

 With the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude, I really have a very peaceful mind (mentally, emotionally and spiritually). I am not under any kind of pressure at all due to my sickness, in fact I am totally relaxed, alhamdulillah. When I feel sick, I make a lot of Istighfar as I know this is one method for Allah s.w.t. to forgive my sins. When I feel ok, I praise Him as I really feel thankful for His great Mercy towards me.

I think this is the blessing you would get from Allah s.w.t. once you adopt the “Redha and Tawakkal “attitude, as you let Allah s.w.t. decide the best for you, compared to when I was adopting the “strong will to fight the cancer” attitude where I was really under a lot of stress. I guess back thejn I was really desperate to recover, I believed I could fight the cancer and so I tried my best, I never prepared myself to be on the “loosing side”, so I was really under pressure to win the battle.

 Having a peaceful mind (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) in itself is a form of healing. Even if it does not help me to survive the cancer physically, it is already helping me to face it mentally, emotionally and spiritually, which is more important.

It is important to note that when I said that I began adopting the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude, I did not mean I also started refusing to go for any kind of treatment. The “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude that I adopt is for my mental, emotional and spiritual point of view only. Physically, I still go for recommended treatments suggested by the medical doctors and complimentary medical practitioners, as long as the recommended treatment is against Islamic teachings (of course I also have other criteria before I go for my treatment, but they are my personal preferences, e.g. it must not be very expensive as I prefer to save the money for my children).

But when I go for any of these treatments, I never put on any hope on them because I have put my hope and trust only to Allah s.w.t. Whether or not I will be healed, it is up to Allah s.w.t. to decide. I therefore do not have any stress about the possible failure as a result of the treatment.

One might ask why then do I still go for treatment if I have put my trust and hope only to Allah s.w.t.? The answer is because we never know what lies ahead of us, i.e. in my case, whether Allah s.w.t. will heal me or take away my life. But we do know that most of the times Allah’s help come via the people around you, as Allah s.w.t. is in control of everything in this world.

I therefore should not refuse any help offered by anybody especially when they are sincere to help and the proposed treatment does not go against the criteria I mentioned earlier. From my own experience, if the proposed treatment works (even if it only reduces the pain) then there is more reason for me to thank Allah s.w.t.; and if it doesn’t work, then there is always a lesson to learn from it.

To summarise this lesson, ““Redha and Tawakkal” is a much better attitude to adopt as it brings you so much greater benefits from all aspects of life (Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual)

2.3 How to Achieve the “Redha and Tawakkal” Attitude?

I have mentioned earlier that the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude is not something easily achieved without the help of Allah s.w.t. We have to continuously ask Allah s.w.t. to help us on this matter. Even for me at this stage, I still think I have a long way to go to make sure that I can maintain the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude. This is because I do not know what lies in front of me, for example, in terms of the agony and pain that I would probably face later. Every time something ‘bad’ happens to someone (pain, sickness, bad news, etc.), that is a test from Allah s.w.t. But it could be so bad that one might lose his/her patience (na’uzubillah). This is what I am worried about, therefore I must continuously ask Allah s.w.t. all the time to help me to maintain this attitude.

And from my experience, yes Allah s.w.t. will answer your prayer once you put your full trust in Him alone. And sometimes the answer came in a manner which you did not expect.

For example, after I was diagnosed with metastasis cancer, and was told that I probably have 6 months or so to live, I was really upset. A few days later I was arranged to meet a Professor who was also the Head of Oncology Department of a local hospital. He told me further bad news, where he honestly said to me “You have of the three cancers that I hate to treat, because there is really no cure for it”. He then explained to me the types of available treatments and the success rate of each, which definitely would be very depressing for anyone in my position.

But Alhamdulillah, before I met the Professor, I had already decided to adopt the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude and started to ask Allah s.w.t. to help me on this matter. Allah s.w.t’s help came in the manner I least expected, as He made me “see” more things I had never “seen” before. I suddenly realized that the ‘bad news’ where I have only about 6 months or so to live was actually not a bad news at all, but a merciful message from Allah s.w.t. telling me to get ready for a possible death.

So many other people have died from sudden deaths either by accidents or from natural disasters (earthquakes, tsunamis, etc) and perhaps many of them were not prepared for their deaths at all. But I am actually given early warnings about how my life could possibly end. I will be the most stupid person on earth if I do not heed these early warnings. Realizing this, I became no longer upset with the news.

The news that I have “one of the three cancers” the Professor hates to treat “because there is really no cure” was also another blessing from Allah s.w.t. For many people, they would have probably cried “O God, why did you give me one of these three cancers? Why not a different cancer where I would have a better chance of survival?”. I would probably have cried the same thing if Allah s.w.t. did not help me “see” things differently.

Instead, when I received the news from the Professor, I said to myself “Alhamdulillah”. Why? Allah s.w.t. has actually answered my prayers. He forced me not to put any hope in any medication because as the professor had said, there is really no cure for it. So I have no choice but to really accept the fact (Redha) and rely on Allah s.w.t. (Tawakkal). That is why whenever I go for any treatment, I am never under any mental or emotional pressure because I no longer put any hope at all on these treatments, but I let Allah s.w.t. decide what the outcome will be. Like I said before, I just pray that whatever Allah s.w.t’s decision is for me, let it be the best for me in this world and hereafter.

Allah s.w.t’s help also come in other forms, such as the knowledge you gain from Islamic books you read and from Islamic lectuires and courses you attend. I find it sometimes amazing how Allah s.w.t. plan things for me, like when all out of sudden the lecturer would touch on issues like “Redha”, “Tawakkal”, “death” or “Sickness” (which is so informative and beneficial for me), while the main topic of the lecture was not really meant to discuss any of these issues. These sorts of things happen so many times with many different lecturers discussing different topics.

And you will be surprised to know that there are so many stories with regards to the concept of “Redha” and “Tawakkal” shown by the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. and his companions r.a. Most of these stories I obtained from the lectures I attended on Islamic knowledge (fiqh, syariah, tasauf, tafsir, whatever that I can afford to attend). All these stories also helped me to gain a better understanding about the benefits of “Redha and Tawakkal”, how this attitude helped the Muslims to receive the help from Allah s.w.t. during wartime with the Musyrikin, during the time of difficulties in their daily life, and so many more.

The stories also helped me to understand why this attitude was firmly accepted by the Prophet s.a.w. and his companions, they truly accepted (Redha) what Allah s.w.t. had decreed upon them in so many difficult situations, and to the extent that Allah s.w.t. granted them with the title “Radhiallahu anhum” i.e. (Allah s.w.t. is also pleased with them). This is one big advantage of the “Redha” attitude, which would help us gain Allah s.w.t’s pleasure towards us. If this is achieved, insyaAllah we would be saved from all kinds of punishment in the hereafter and would be granted to enter Paradise. That should be the ultimate aim for every Muslim.

To understand better about the value of “Redha”, I would like to quote you the story I learned from one of the lectures I attended. Please note that I can convey this story only in my own words as I heard it from a lecture, not reading from a book. It was the story of Saad bin Abi Waqas r.a. one of the great companions of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. Saad’s supplication (du’a) was known to be very “mustajab” (i.e. after he requested Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. to pray for this ability for him).

Saad was also known to have spread the message of Islam all the way to China. After spending so many years on foreign soils, a time came when the people in Mecca heard the news that Saad r.a. was coming back to Mecca to perform Hajj. The people of Mecca immediately began to make a “queue” list by listing the names of people who would be allowed to see Saad r.a. in turn.

Once Saad r.a. arrived in Mecca with his helper, the people of Mecca were surprised to see that Saad r.a. was already blind. But this did not stop them to request Saad r.a. to make supplications in their favour. And so Saad r.a. did. One particular young man who was very curious, also lined up to meet Saad r.a. When his turn came up, he asked Saad r.a. “Oh uncle, your du’a is so mustajab, why didn’t you make a du’a so that Allah s.w.t. will heal your blindness so that you will be able to see again?”. Saad r.a. simply answered “Iam much happier to take this opportunity to accept wholeheartedly (i.e. Redha) what Allah s.w.t. has decreed upon me, rather than to be happy to see again”.

This is the value of “Redha” that the companions r.a. understood. They know that in order to gain Allah s.w.t’s pleasure towards them, they must first accept “wholeheartedly” whatever decision that Allah s.w.t. had made for them. As for me, I know I am so far, far away from obtaining the level of faith as shown by the Companions of the Prophet s.a.w. But at least stories like the above and other knowledge with regards to the benefits of “Redha and Tawakkal” would hopefully help me to try my best to maintain the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude, InsyaAllah.

In summary, in order to achieve “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude, we must constantly ask for help from Allah s.w.t. in this matter. We also have to make some efforts to increase our knowledge in Islam by reading or by attending Islamic lectures, even though the lecture topics may not be relevant to the problem we are currently facing. And InsyaAllah, you will find some very useful information despite the irrelevant topics; as I mentioned before Allah s.w.t. is in control of everything in this world and would plan something for you as long as you request for your help.

So, do not be too choosy, as learning as much as possible about Islam (fiqh, syariah, tafsir, whatever that we can afford to attend) is still very important even if we know our life may end soon and that we may not be able to apply the knowledge we gained. This is because attending Islamic lectures is considered as a great ibadah and is also another way of obtaining Allah s.w.t’s blessings and forgiveness. There are so many hadiths talking about the benefits of sitting in such gatherings, which are available in many books. Therefore I think it is not necessary to discuss them here in this article.

3. The Preparations.

When I was told that I had metastasis cancer which can lead to an early death, I knew I had to do some kind of preparations to face the problem. As mentioned earlier, I had to tackle the attitude to be adopted, which was one of the most important things to do first. This is because only with the right attitude, would we be able to think correctly and do the necessary preparations to face the problem. Adopting the wrong attitude, e.g. “Strong will to fight the cancer”, may end us with failure to do the necessary preparations (especially in terms of mental, emotional and spiritual preparations) in case we lose the “fight”.

So, what are the necessary preparations? Since I have adopted the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude, I always remember that there could only be two possibilities, i.e. either Allah s.w.t. (a) heals me or (b) takes away my life. I therefore have to make sure that I am prepared for both possibilities. It is obvious to me (and I believe to everybody else) that if I do all the necessary preparations for possibility (b), I have automatically covered the necessary preparations for possibility (a). In other words, I have to make the preparations for what people would normally term as the “worst case scenario”.

The necessary preparations for this “worst case scenario” can be further divided into two parts. The first part is the worldly preparations, normally meant for the people, especially the family that we are going to leave behind. The second part is our own spiritual preparations, since as Muslims, we must make certain efforts to die as a Muslim and obtain Allah s.w.t’s Forgiveness and Blessings.

3.1 The First Part: The Worldly Preparations.

As for the first part of the preparations, I started it only after I was told of the metastasis cancer. As a Muslim, I should have started the preparations even when I was healthy, because we actually do not know when we are going to die. So when I realized my mistake, and discovered that Allah s.w.t. is so merciful to me for giving me the second opportunity to do the preparations especially throughout Grace Period 3, I cried because I know I could never thank Him enough. With these facts, how could I even complain about the sickness that I am experiencing, when the reality is what actually is happening to me is all due to Allah s.w.t’s mercy?

This is what many of us fail to realize many times when we are faced with calamities, but alhamdulillah, Allah s.w.t. made me “see” things totally different. It is not because of I am a pious or a good man, but because Allah s.w.t. is so merciful to any of His servants who try their best to adopt the “Redha and Tawakkal” to him alone. I am so thankful to Him to let me taste the sweetness of this attitude.

Anyway, from my understanding of Islam,the most important thing that we have to prepare for this first part is the preparation of Wasiyyah (Will or Bequest). Many Muslims do not realize that this is such an important command of Allah s.w.t. as stated in the following verse:

It is prescribed when death approaches any of you, if he leave any goods, that he make a bequest to parents and next of kin, according to reasonable usage; this is due from the God-fearing. (Al-Baqarah: 180)

There are many verses in the Quran that talk about the importance of Wasiyyah (e.g. Al-Baqarah 240 and Al-Maidah 106) and others explaining in detail how the distribution of wealth should be carried out. The importance of preparing a Wasiyyah is mentioned in many Hadiths too, one example is as follows:

“Ibn ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with them, reported: Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: It is the duty of a Muslim who has something which is to be given as a bequest not to have it for two nights without having his will written down regarding it”
(Compiled by Bukhari, Muslim, At-Tirmizi and many others).

It is therefore important for us to prepare a Wasiyyah, no matter whether we are sick or healthy, as mentioned in the above hadith. Another reason why a Wasiyyah is important is to ensure that if anything happens to us (i.e. death), there will be no dispute or disagreement between the beneficiaries during the distribution of wealth. The importance of this is also mentioned in one hadith:

Narrated by Abd Al-Razaq from Abu Hurayrah, the Prophet peace be upon him says, “a man may do good deeds for 70 years but if he acts unjustly when he leaves his last will, the wickedness of his deed will be sealed upon him, and he will go to hell. And if (on the other hand) a man acts wickedly for 70 years but is just in his last will, the goodness of his deed will be sealed upon him and he will enter the paradise”.

Realizing this fact, I started studying the requirements to prepare a Wasiyyah, consulted Syariah Lawyers and consultants who then advised me on what and how to prepare the necessary Wasiyyah, according to Islamic recommendations. I encourage all brothers and sisters to do the same, i.e. consult the experts in preparing your Wasiyyah, as the Islamic Law of Inheritance (Faraid) can be fairly complex for some people (including me) to understand.

Besides Wasiyyah, other preparations that I think are necessary involve mainly with the people I am going to leave behind. This involves both the material and spiritual support that they require. From material support point of view, the Wasiyyah is sufficient but there is no restriction e.g. create financial savings and transfer a reasonable amount of my savings under the name of the person who will most likely look after my children (in this case my wife) when I am gone. Since this is done while I am still alive it is considered as a gift, and as far as my knowledge on this matter goes, there is nothing wrong with it (but please check with your local Islamic Scholars).

From the spiritual support point of view, I have to counsel them (my wife and children especially) almost everyday. I have to let them “see” how all these “supposed-to-be bad news and conditions” are in reality “signs of Allah s.w.t’s mercy on all of us”. I was lucky to have a good example to give to them which involved the death of two of my wife’s own brothers (the eldest and the second in the family). Both of her brothers died of heart problems, but the second brother died first, in a sudden heart attack, while the eldest brother died after 7 months of suffering the consequences of a heart failure. We had observed ourselves how the wife of the second brother took so long to recover from her shock and sorrows, while the wife of the eldest brother was more calm and it didn’t take her too long to get back into her daily life.

This contributed a great lesson to us, as sickness before death does not only provide opportunity for mental, emotional and spiritual preparations for the person who is sick, but also for the people he/she is going to leave behind. Even Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. was sick before his death, which was actually providing the opportunity for his followers who loved him so much to be prepared for it.

Another important thing to do from the “worldly preparations” point of view is to make my best attempt to improve the status of things involving my daily life and family, and correct whatever mistakes that I may have done before. For example, alhamdulillah, I have managed to settle almost all my debts, except for one which I hope will be taken care through the use of my Wasiyyah.

I also know I had not spent much time to make sure my children are well-equipped with Islamic knowledge, so I try my best now to personally educate them, from Quranic reading to toher branches of Islamic knowledge. These are part of the counseling that I am giving to them, telling them the beauties of Islam.

I also check if I had missed out any prayers or zakat payments, and if there are, I will try to correct these mistakes. There are many other things that I had to take care of, but normally these things are only applicable to me and in my situation, and not applicable to others. In other words, these other worldly preparations will vary from one person to another.

In summary, I have no reason not to thank Allah s.w.t. for the Grace Period 3 that He is granting to me. As you can see, being sick before death actually provides better opportunity to ensure that the necessary preparations for me and for my family can be carried out. In comparison, I will be totally ungrateful to Allah s.w.t. if I just lie down complaining to Allah s.w.t. about my sickness, when in reality Allah s.w.t. is actually doing me a big favour!

3.2 The Second Part: The Spiritual Preparations.

I did touch on Spiritual preparations in the previous section, but that was for the people that I will be leaving behind. In this section, I will discuss what I think I need to prepare for myself in order to meet my Creator, Allah s.w.t. This is in fact a very serious question that one should ask oneself!

But to be honest, at this point of writing this article, I am already feeling very weak. It has been several days since I began writing this article. However, I have not been spending most of my available time writing it due to my illness. I am worried I may not be able to finish it at all, and hence my desire to share the knowledge may also die off with me. I am therefore deciding to simply summarise this part. I hope the readers would on their own put the necessary efforts by consulting the scholars and so on.

I realize that all the good things that we think we have done in our life in this world may not be helpful to save us from Allah s.w.t’s punishment. The fact is nobody can ever enter the Paradise due to his good deeds alone (there are stories about this). This is even more so after I realize that there have been so many shortcomings in my ibadah (solat, etc). Khusyu’ while performing my solat was probably non-existent, and my intention to be ‘ikhlas’ in all my ibadah and actions could be also be questioned. If that is the quality of my life and ibadah, I don’t think I can really be saved from His punishment (na’udzubillah).

But I do know from the stories and knowledge I have gathered that one could be saved only with Allah s.w.t’s mercy and forgiveness. And if Allah s.w.t. is pleased with us, the chances of getting His mercy and forgiveness are even better, insyaAllah.

I then realize that my only chance perhaps to be saved from Allah s.w.t’s wrath is to obey everything that He has commanded us to do, and to please Him with whatever opportunity I have. The first part can be achieved by first studying seriously the Teachings of the Quran, while the second part is to use whatever remaining time of our life to please Him (I am granted Grace Period 3 to do this – again this shows how merciful Allah s.w.t. actually is to His servants only if we ask from Him).

3.2.1 The Quran

There are so many things that I want to talk about the importance of Quran in our daily life, but I have to cut it short for the time being. So I will only touch on a couple of issues and one of them is Aqidah.

Aqidah

It is important to know that the Quran contains the fundamental teachings for your Aqidah towards Allah s.w.t. Aqidah is so important such that Allah s.w.t. made the Prophet s.a.w. spent about the first 10 years solely in teaching and enhancing his followers’ in their understanding and firm belief of the correct Aqidah. Without the right Aqidah, our chance of obtaining Allah s.w.t’s pleasure could be very slim or perhaps nil.

Aqidah has several branches of knowledge and it is not the purpose of this article to discuss them here. I encourage all brothers and sisters to make efforts to enhance our knowledge in this area by attending Islamic courses and consulting the scholars. This is because is indeed a sad state of affair for majority of the Muslims today, as they lack knowledge in this area. Many of us think that simply bearing witness “La illaha illaAllah” and “Muhammadur Rasulullah” (the syahadah), plus performing the remaining 4 fundamentals of Islam (solat, fasting, zakat and hajj) is sufficient for us to be called good practicing Muslims, and will have a great chance to be saved from Allah s.w.t’s punishment and earn his paradise.

Let us take the Syahadah as an example. Many amongst us Muslims, out of ignorance, do not realize that when we recite the Syahadah we are actually making a great oath! It is a promise that we will submit and obey all the commands of Allah s.w.t. by following the teachings and examples of prophet Muhammad s.a.w. The Syahadah is not something that we just say with our mouth but yet make no commitment to follow through throughout our daily life. The Syahadah is a promise we make to Allah s.w.t. on how to lead our daily life!

So after making this promise (the Syahadah) to Allah s.w.t. (i.e. to submit ourselves and to obey all His commands), we have no choice but to prove our commitment. Imagine dear brothers and sisters, if we make an important promise to our good friend, but we purposely do not fulfill the promise without any reason and we do not even feel guilty for not fulfilling it. Do you think our good friend will still treat us as his/her good friend? Probably he/she will not even treat us as a friend nor believe us anymore, and may instead label us as a great LIAR and as a person to keep away from!

Now imagine if we purposely break our promise (the Syahadah) to Allah s.w.t. what do you think will happen to us? I simply could not imagine the wrath and punishment that Allah s.w.t. might impose on those who purposely break their Syahadah, Na’udzubillahi min zalik.

So the next question is how to show our commitment after reciting the Syahadah ? One commitment that we Muslims cannot run away from is to hold firmly to the commands of Allah s.w.t. in the Quran. And Allah s.w.t. further commands us in the Quran to follow the examples of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. (the Sunnah) on how to obey His commands.

Today, many Muslims do not take seriously the commands of Allah s.w.t. but yet they still think they are the examples of good practicing Muslims. For example, many of us have some reservations in the importance of implementing Hudud Law, a command clearly stated by Allah s.w.t. in the Quran, as we think it is not really practical in today’s life. Many of us make such a judgment based on today’s conditions and the so-called Human Right’s philosophy, which is totally a man-made concept. Who are we to decide that the law created by humans is better than the law created by Allah s.w.t.?

Having such a simple reservation on any of Allah s.w.t’s. command is a clear violation of our oath, the Syahadah, that we will submit and obey all Allah s.w.t’s. commands. Some scholars even say having such an attitude will nullify our Syahadah and is sufficient to make a person as kafir. And Allah s.w.t. has given us a warning on this matter in one Quranic verse, where Allah s.w.t. warns us not to become like the Children of Israel who disobey some of Allah s.w.t’s commandments in Taurah, as stated below:

“…. Then is it only a part of the Book that ye believe in, and do ye reject the rest? But what is the reward for those among you who believe like this but disgrace in life? And on the Day of Judgment they shall be consigned to the most grievous penalty. For Allah is not unmindful of what ye do.”
(Al-Baqarah: 85)

Allah s.w.t. also reminds us to enter into Islam whole-heartedly, as clearly stated in the following verse:

O ye who believe! Enter into Islam wholeheartedly; and follow not the footsteps of the Evil One; for he is to you an avowed enemy.
(Al-Baqarah: 208)

The word “Kaaffah” in the above verse is translated as “whole-heartedly”, where some scholars have interpreted it that we are clearly instructed to follow all Allah s.w.t’s. commandments without any question or any reservation. This is what being a Muslim is all about, i.e. totally submit ourselves to the will of Allah s.w.t.

We are further reminded by Allah s.w.t. with the following verse:

O ye who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared, and die not except in a state of Islam.
(Al-Imran: 102)

It is so clear that Allah s.w.t. warns us to fear Him (i.e. to really obey Him in all matters with no reservation at all against any of His commandments), and to make sure that we die in total submission to His will (“in a state of Islam”)

In other words, there is no way for us to obtain Allah s.w.t’s. forgiveness and mercy if we purposely ignore ANY of His commands. And with the fact that there are so many things around us today which are totally against the commands of Allah s.w.t. we have to be really careful in what we do everyday. It is important to guard not only our deeds but our attitude towards what is happening around us.

This is very clear from the statement made by out Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. in one of his Hadiths about the importance of preventing “mungkar” with our hands, mouth or heart. And the Prophet s.a.w. clearly stated that preventing “mungkar” with our hearts is the “weakest of iman”. In other words, if we see an act of “mungkar”, but we are not even bothered about it, that shows we actually have NO IMAN at all Na’udzubillah!!

So our attitude (the feelings we have) towards things that happen around us is also considered as our deed that will be accounted for in the hereafter. We have no choice but to make sure we hold on to the right attitude in order to please Allah s.w.t. For example, when we see something that is obviously against the commands of Allah s.w.t and we know we can’t do much about it, the least we can do is to have the feeling of displeasure about it, support those people who voiced out against it, and pray to Allah s.w.t. to continuously give guidance to the Muslims.

Brothers and sisters, I am not saying the above because I am a member of any political party or organization (as I am never in any one of them). But I say the above because I question myself, how am I going to face Allah s.w.t. soon if I still have any reservation on any of his commands or simply ignoring the state of “Mungkar” around me?

I don’t think I will be questioned about which political party or organization I joined or supported. What I will be questioned will be with regard to my deeds (amal), including my attitude that I adopted for things that happened around me, i.e. whether all my actions were in accordance to the teachings of the Quran and sunnah, as clearly commanded by Allah s.w.t. I will be doomed if I had failed to abide to all the rules that had been clearly laid out by my Creator, Allah s.w.t. (na’udzubillah). So how will all of you, my dear brothers and sisters, whether you like it or not as you will also one day die and have to face Allah s.w.t., answer the same question?

Today, there are so many groups of people claiming to promote the correct version of Islam, using various names to impress and fool the people, quoting verses of the Quran out of context and making incorrect translations of its meaning in order to enhance their arguments. Following blindly any of these groups’ claims can destroy our Aqidah, and hence prevent us from obtaining Allah s.w.t’s blessing and forgiveness.

Only a careful study of the messages of the Quran can help us determine whether these groups’ claims are true or otherwise, because the Quran is very clear in terms of its messages of truth and Justice, and nobody can change this fact.

The word of thy Lord doth find its fulfillment in truth and in justice: none can change His words for He is the One Who Hereth and Knoweth all.
(A-An’am: 115)

It is therefore important to make our own efforts to study the messages of the Quran (by translation and tafsir, plus learning from qualified scholars) from the beginning verse of Al-Fatihah to the ending verse of An-Nas. It is important to do this daily so that our efforts to try and understand what Allah s.w.t. is instructing us to do, does not stop. Doing so will help us gain blessings, forgiveness and guidance of Allah s.w.t. insyaAllah.

My recommendation is to read the translations of at least 5 to 10 verses a day, and to ponder about them. Read the Quran with the intention to try and get to know His messages and to obey it as best we can, i.e. hoping only to please Him.

Ibadah

Ibadah is another branch where the information is also available in the Quran. In the Quran, Allah s.w.t. instructs the Muslims to perform certain obligatory ibadah and recommended ibadah. But Allah s.w.t. purposely does not mention in detail how these commandments are to be performed (e.g. the methods to perform solat, solatul Jumaat, Hajj, other optional ibadah like zikrullah, and even how to lead our daily life).

The Quran touches only on some basic fundamental rules and conditions for the ibadah. This is because Allah s.w.t. has also instructed us to follow and obey the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w., as Allah s.w.t. is the One who has taught the Prophet s.a.w. every single thing involving ibadah and our daily life’s activities.

By the Star when it goes down, Your Companion (Muhammad) is neither astray nor being misled, Nor does he say (aught) of (his own) desire. It is no less than inspiration sent down to him.
(An-Najm: 1-4)

Allah s.w.t. also says in the Quran:

So establish regular Prayer and give regular Charity; and obey the Messenger; that ye may receive mercy.
(An-Nur: 56)

The above verse is a clear indication that we have to follow the examples and methods shown by our Prophet s.a.w. for ibadah such as Prayer and Charity. In fact the instruction to follow the Prophet s.a.w. and to obey him is found in so many verses of the Quran, such as the following:

Obey Allah, and obey the Messenger, and beware (of evil): if ye do turn back, know ye that it is Our Messenger’s duty to proclaim (the message) in the clearest manner.
(Al-Maidah: 92)

He who obeys the messenger, obeys Allah; but if any turn away, We have not sent thee to watch over their (evil deeds).
(An-Nisaa’: 80)

Ye have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a beautiful pattern (of conduct) for any one whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who engages much in the praise of Allah.
(Al-Ahzab: 21)

But no, by thy Lord, they can have no (real) Faith, untilthey make thee (Muhammad) judge in all disputes between them, and find in their souls no resistance against thy decisions, but accept them with the fullest conviction.
(An-Nisaa’: 65)

In other words, to really understand the Quran and obey and carry out the instructions given by Allah s.w.t. in it, we have no choice but to also refer to the Sunnah of our Prophet Muhammad s.a.w., which are available in the vast collections of Hadith.

I encourage myself and all my brothers and sisters in Islam, to also make efforts to study the Sunnah as it will help us understand better the messages of the Quran, and to carry out the commands of Allah s.w.t. in the proper manner, insyaAllah. This is why we are asked to take the oath “Muhammadur Rasullah” in our Syahadah. Failing to do so will only hinder us from getting the blessings, guidance and forgiveness from Allah s.w.t.

3.2.2 The Beauty of Learning the Quran

The Quran is really a miracle from Allah s.w.t. When you put the effort to study it sincerely, you will find the beauty that lies within it. I have a lot of personal experiences on this matter but I don’t think I can tell the stories now. Anyway to cut it short, I realize how Allah s.w.t. uses the Quran (if we study it daily) to give some lessons to you.

Allah s.w.t. knows what is going to happen to each one of us, so Allah s.w.t. will put you in a certain problem or dilemma on one day, but the next day when you read and ponder your next 5-10 verses of the Quran, Allah s.w.t. gives the answer to you.

Sometimes I felt the answer was like a “punch to my nose”, knocking me from my silly senses! In some other cases, Allah s.w.t. gave me the answer to some Aqidah issues that I had trouble with. In some other cases, Allah s.w.t. gave me the answer on why I was put through a problem related to wealth or other social issues. True, this is really true. This is not because I am a pious person but because this is the miracle of the Quran and Allah s.w.t. is so merciful and is the planner of all things!!

I also now understand why we are encouraged to repeat reading and pondering the Quran continuously even though we have finished doing one time. This is because the lessons that Allah s.w.t. may have planned for you will come around during your second reading, or the third, in fact all the time. So stick to Quranic studies and my personal recommendation is to put some efforts to try and understand the meaning of the Quran from its original Arabic texts, as they will give you much more benefit.

Note that I also discover that reading and studying of the Quran has several levels. It really depends on your intention. The non-believers, who study the Quran to find problems with it, will only see what they think as “problems” and they will learn nothing else. For example, they might only see that it has lots of repetitions, and they don’t find it interesting.

Those who read the Quran without any efforts to understand the meaning will only get rewarded for their effort to read, but will not get the full benefit of it. Those who read and study the Quran using volumes of tafsir but for the purpose of academic achievements, will only gain what they desire, perhaps a PhD, etc. But those who really study and ponder the meaning of the Quran, asking for Allah s.w.t’s guidance, solely to please Him, will understand the deeper meanings of the Quran.

Now I understand why the elaborations of Quranic verses as described by Sheikh Abdul Qadir Jailani throughout his book “Sirrul Asrar”, are so deep, that at times I couldn’t even understand them. He saw the much deeper meanings of the Quran, especially from purifying the soul point of view, because Allah s.w.t. guided him through it.

In summary, learning and pondering the messages of the Quran is very important for every Muslim to do. It shows our commitment to submit and obey Allah s.w.t’s. commands, which is what being a Muslim is all about.

3.2.3 Pleasing Allah s.w.t.

Apart from studying the Quran, we must also try to please Allah s.w.t. throughout all the things that we do in our daily life. The following are just some guidelines that I can think of at the moment:

Putting “Redha and Tawakkal” into Practice.

Once we have chosen the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude, that makes things easier for us to do all the ibadah and our daily activities solely for the sake of pleasing Allah s.w.t., insyaAllah. But choosing this attitude alone is not sufficient if we do not put it into practice in our daily life. To so this, we must train ourselves not to complain about the “bad” things that happen in our daily life.

For example, when we feel sick or pain, we should make a lot of istighfar to Allah s.w.t., and praise Allah s.w.t. for making the pain or sickness still bearable for us, and continuously ask him to help us going through it, We must remind ourselves that sickness and pain are indications that Allah s.w.t. is actually giving us the opportunity to be forgiven for our sins, so we must also thank Him for the opportunity.

Apart from sickness and pain, we should also control ourselves from getting angry or cursing anyone who makes us angry. This always happen throughout our our daily life, e.g. people jumping queue while shopping or driving, or reckless or inconsiderate drivers on the road. It is not easy, but we must try our best.

On the other hand, if we are blessed with some good news, e.g. recovering from our illness, or easing of the pain we currently may be experiencing, we should really thank Allah s.w.t. Even if we find out that we can still perform our prayers despite being sick, we should thank Allah s.w.t. for it. Allah s.w.t chooses whom He pleases to give His blessings and forgiveness, so if we are still chosen and given opportunity to do it even during our difficult times, we should thank Him.

Frequent Going to the Mosque for Jemaah Prayers

Frequenting the mosque is very important in order to please Allah s.w.t. and therefore obtain His true guidance. It is mentioned in the Quran in the following verse:

The mosque of Allah shall be visited and maintained by such as believe in Allah and the Last Day, establish regular prayers, and practice regular charity, and fear none (at all) except Allah. It is they who are expected to be on true guidance.
(At-Taubah: 18)

From the above verse, it is very clear that in order to obtain the true guidance, we are asked to frequent the mosques of Allah s.w.t., as a means to strengthen our faith in Allah s.w.t. and the hereafter, and to perform the regular prayers and charity, and to strengthen our taqwa so that we fear none but Him alone.

There are also numerous hadiths that talk about the importance and benefits of praying the jemaah (congregation) in mosques, and how the mosque should become the central point of knowledge and strength for the Muslim community. I therefore encourage all my Muslim brothers and sisters to learn about this from the scholars, and take advantage of frequenting mosques not only for offering our prayers but also to learn about Islam from any Islamic lectures at the mosque.

Increasing Our Supplications and all other Ibadah

Especially when facing death, we should try our best as we can, to increase all our spiritual activities in order to please Allah s.w.t. These include:

• Performing a lot of istigfar and solatut taubah.
• Increasing daily Quran reading (apart from studying the 5-10 verses of the Quran).
• Increasing our supplications to Him, asking Him for His forgiveness and blessings.
• Memorizing more and more surah from the Quran, if we can.
• Increasing our efforts to know more about Islam by attending conferences, lectures, etc. The best would be to attend lectures held in a blessed place like the mosque.

Amal Jariah

There is a hadith that mentioned about how all the ibadah and other good deeds of man would terminate upon his death, except for three rhings – his sadaqah jariah (charity), his children who uphold righteousness (salihin), and beneficial knowledge which he spread to others.

It is therefore important that we put some efforts in these three matters in order to ensure that we would still get continuous rewards from Allah s.w.t. even after our death. Below is just my simple summary for each of these matters:

• Sadaqah Jariah (Charity)

We often pride ourselves for the savings that we make in our bank accounts in this world, but we often forget to increase the savings in our bank accounts in the Hereafter. Whereas we are told that the money we save for the Hereafter (through sadaqah) will be rewarded multiple times, and will be the one that could help us in our life after death, a life which is more permanent than the life in this world.

For those who give in Charity, men and women, and loan to Allah a Beautiful Loan, it shall be increased manifold (to their credit), and they shall have (besides) a liberal reward.
(Al-Hadid: 18)

The benefits of Sadaqah (Charity) are very great and are mentioned in so many verses in the Quran. Even those who have died will regret not having spent more on charity before their death. This is what Allah s.w.t. has reminded us of, as mentioned in the following verse:

And spend something (in charity) out of the substance which We have bestowed on you, before Death should come to any of you and he should say, “O my Lord! Why didst Thou not give me respite for a little while? I should then have given (largely) in charity, and I should have been on of the doers of good.”
(Al-Munafiquun: 10)

Note that sadaqah (charity) is not only in terms of monetary, but any kind of contributions that we give (including our own efforts) for the sake of the Muslim ummah and for the propagation of Islam.

Please consult the scholars about what type of charity or sadaqah that we can perform, which could help us get everlasting rewards from Allah s.w.t. My personal preference would be for Islamic Education and schools, especially those that groom our children to be scholars of Islam. Wallahu a’lam.

• Children who uphold righteousness (salihin)

It is important to make sure that our family will be among those who have strong faith in Allah s.w.t. and work righteousness. Allah s.w.t. says in the Quran:

O ye who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded.
(At-Tahrim: 6)

As we know from the history of our Prophet s.a.w. among the first people he invited into Islam were his family members. We have to do the same, we cannot simply be happy by thinking it is sufficient that we continuously put great efforts to improve ourselves but at the same time we totally ignore our own family members.

It is therefore important to train them to know Islam, to teach them the Quran and encourage them to read it everyday in our house, to encourage and bring them to attend Islamic lectures and congregational prayers at our local mosque, and so on. Having children with righteous qualities will be a great advantage to the parents. But since Allah s.w.t. chooses whom He pleases to receive His guidance, we must also continuously make supplications to Allah s.w.t. that all in our family will continuously receive His guidance and stay on the right path.

• Spreading Beneficial Knowledge.

Last but not least of the things that could help us to continuously receive rewards from Allah s.w.t is the knowledge that we share with others, especially knowledge that would benefit the Muslim ummah. As the knowledge is passed from one generation to another, we would be getting a share of the rewards even after our death, insyaAllah.

This is one reason why I am writing this article, despite knowing that I am not a perfect Muslim. This is also why I prefer to remain anonymous, because it is not important to know who I am, but is more important to learn the things that I am sharing in this article. My only hope is to get continuous rewards for this work from Allah s.w.t., and to please Him. Please pray for me that I will be able to get this from Allah s.w.t.

There are many hadiths again talking about importance of knowledge. I think it is therefore not necessary for me to elaborate on this matter. What is important is that we strive to obtain more knowledge and understanding on Islam, until the day we die.

Again, please consult the scholars on this matter. They can definitely give you better advice compared to me, insyaAllah.

Having said and recommended all the above, I must admit that I myself am struggling hard to do all the things that I have said above. However, I continue writing them down because this will act as a reminder to me especially, apart from sharing the knowledge with my fellow Brothers and Sisters in Islam. Let us all continuously pray to Allah s.w.t. so that He will give us the strength to uphold righteousness to please Him, and hence for us to receive His blessings and forgiveness.

4. My Final Chapter.

4.1 Some additional Advice

Below, I will try my best to summarize things that I have learnt throughout my ordeal. The summary listed is not only for those who are stricken with terminal sickness that will lead to death like mine, but can be used by all Muslims, including those who are healthy. This is because none of us really know when we will be called back by our Creator.

1) Do not despair over any ‘musibah’ that may happen to you. As clearly stated in the following verse, everything has already been planned by Allah.
No misfortune can happen on earth or in your souls but is recorded in a decree before We bring it into existence: that is truly easy for Allah. In order that ye may not despair over matters that pass you by, nor exult over favours bestowed upon you. For Allah loveth not any vainglorious boaster.
(Al-Hadid: 22 – 23)

The ‘musibah’ that happens to you could be a blessing in disguise. This is what I learned from my own experience, when I lost my eye. As I mentioned before, it contained such a valuable lesson for me to face the bigger ordeal, i.e. losing my life due to metastasis cancer. But I only realized and understood why Allah s.w.t. put me through that first ordeal much later, after more than one and a half years after the enucleation.

2) The best thing to do when we are faced with a “musibah” is to adopt the “Redha and Tawakkal” attitude. By doing so, Allah s.w.t. will help us through the problem, as is clearly stated in the following verse:

No kind of calamity can occur, except by the leave of Allah: and if anyone believes in Allah, (Allah) guides his heart (aright): for Allah knows all things.
(Al-Taghabun: 11)

As I explained earlier, Allah s.w.t. helped me “see” things differently, something I could not even see when I had my two eyes. I saw good news in the bad news; I saw Allah s.w.t’s. mercy in a “musibah”, and so many others. All of them are showing that Allah s.w.t. is actually doing the planning for everything, especially when you put your trust in Him alone.

3) Al-Quran should be our most important reference in our life. We should never stop reading and studying it. If we do it with the right intention, Allah s.w.t. will let us understand the deeper meanings of the Quran. This is especially true if our intention is to try and understand His messages and commands so that we can obey them and please Him at the same time.

Ane we have to obey ALL the commands in the Quran, not just part of it. As I said earlier in section 3 which I think is very important, I cannot imagine how Allah s.w.t. will treat us when we face Him later, if we had ignored His messages in total or part thereof; or worse, acted against them! So here it is again, a reminder from Allah s.w.t. so that we do not become like the children of Israel who disobey some of Allah s.w.t’s. commands in Taurah, as stated in the following verse:

“…… Then is it only a part of the Book that ye believein, and do ye reject the rest? But what is the reward for those among you who behave like this but disgrace in this life? And on the Day of Judgement they shall be consigned to the most grievous penalty. For Allah is not unmindful of what ye do.”
(Al-Baqarah: 85)

4) Failing to prepare for our death while spending so much of our time for worldly gains is the most common mistake made by many Muslims today. Allah s.w.t. mentions so many times in the Quran about how the life in this world is just play and amusement. One example is the verse below:

“Know ye (all), that the life of this world is but play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting and multiplying, (in rivalry) among yourselves, riches and children. Here is a similitude; how rain and the growth which it brings forth, delight (the hearts of) the tillers; soon it withers; thou will see it grow yellow; then it becomes dry and crumbles away. But in the Hereafter is a Penalty severe (for the devotees of wrong). And forgiveness from Allah and (His) Good Pleasure (for the devotees of Allah). And what is the life of this world, but goods and chattels of deception?”
(Al-Hadid: 20)

Ponder the above verse carefully, there is so much truth in it. We work hard to get more money and become rich, comparing and competing with others for the worldly status, but we make little efforts to enhance our understanding on Islam or to please Allah s.w.t. The similitude given in the above verse is fitting, as once we are struck e.g. with illness or accidents that we know will lead us to death, only then will we realise all the worldly gain we worked hard for will be totally meaningless (“soon” it withers; thow will see it grow yellow;”). And when the Angel of Death comes to take us away, then everything we had worked for will be of no use anymore (“then it becomes dry and crumbles away”).

4.2 My Final Departing Words.

As I said earlier in the Introduction chapter, I prepare this document because I feel it has become my obligation to tell my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters about what I have learnt. I have learnt so many things, all due to the great mercy of Allah s.w.t. Am I am not a pious person. I am still struggling hard to improve the quality of my ibadah and akhlak and I think I still fail most of the time.

And I still do not know whether I would pass all the remaining tests and whether I would successfully obtain Allah s.w.t’s. Forgiveness and Blessings when He takes my life away. But I still write this article to share the knowledge and lessons I learned from my ordeal, and especially to tell you HOW MERCIFUL ALLAH S.W.T. is, if He can be so merciful to a “very imperfect” person like me, know that He will also be merciful to any of you, provided that we continuously put our trust and hope in Him alone.

I also take this opportunity to apologise for all the shortcomings found in this article. I had a hard time to finish it because of my health status. So please forgive me if you find the arrangement of information not in order or confusing. Note that I also made a request to the person who is going to distribute this article, only to distribute it after my death. I therefore make a humble request to all my Muslim brothers and sisters, to pray so that Allah s.w.t. grants me His Forgiveness, Mercy and Blessings. Since I prefer to remain anonymous, perhaps you could still make the supplication in favour of “the author who wrote this article”. I thank you all in advance.

Last but not least. To all those people who know me, I like to take this opportunity to apologise for any of my sins where I sincerely beg for your forgiveness. At the same time I extend my deepest gratitude and thanks to all the people who have given me a lot of help and support during my hard times, especially my beloved mother and father who have never stopped giving me the support I need and prayers for me, my lovely wife who tirelessly execute and manage all the activities required by my family and taking good care of me and the children, my brothers and my sisters (including all my in-laws), some of them working hard to arrange for me the necessary treatments and some others contributing other necessary supplements and support. Also to all the doctors who work hard to diagnose the problem and to treat me, and put a lot of efforts to help me get back on my feet. And to all my friends (just too many of them to mention here), each having contributed a lot to me in so many different ways. To all these people, I pray Allah s.w.t. reward all of you multiple times over for your kindness.

May Allah s.w.t. continuously bless us all with His Mercy and Forgiveness, and may we see each other again in Jannah, insyaAllah.

Wabillahi Taufik, walhidayah, wassalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Boringnya

2006-04-10T09:27:00.000+08:00

boringnya hari ni...satu centre aku cuti..sekali dengan bos aku lak tu. hampeh tullah. aku tak ingat lak esok cuti but anyway..keja memang bertimbun pun tapi mcm tak ada MOOD...........sakit tullah.

nantilah aku update kan apa yg patut kay.

THE WHISTLE OF ME

2006-03-15T08:48:00.000+08:00

alloss...

the whistle of me...actually aku amik pun dari poem The Whistle of Sandy Mcgraw. naper aku suka poem tu? korang cuba baca and buat analytical view sendiri kay. for me, it's the mirrow of life..

aku sebenarnya tengah mengantuk gila ni. tak tahu naper....tak larat lak nak buat kerja tapi nak buat mcm mana...aku nak kena siapkan report aku cepat2. lagipun aku ada mentoring program that so nak tak endak, kenala gagahkan diri celikkan mata and gagahkan diri gak tengok paper aku sendiri.

well...to be brief about myself....am pregnant for 3 months..YEEHAAAA....awal2 pregnant memangla penat kan...lani aku leh imagine my self in my mum place. the first three months ni, badan memang rasa penat, with all the muntah and loya thinggy...i dont know how i've survive till today. Kuasa Allah kan.....itulah....lelaki tak rasa apa yg perempuan rasa..anyway..insya Allah, moga Allah lindungi kandungi aku and family aku.

i work as a researcher for policy research institute.MOst of our study and research relates to the interest of the Government in maritime. well, to say this work is easy...i cant. because it's not. patience, analytical skill, tolerance, writing skill...you need all of this before you can claim you can be a researcher for policy research. there are lots more but i think yg ini yg crucial dulu kut. still...aku pun baru lagi kat sini. dua tahun as research assisstant, i though i know all but ghee...bila dah naik pangkat ni...ada banyak menda yg aku sendiri terkapai2. anyway....aku pun tak tahu sampai bila aku leh bertahan. prospek keja memang best. itupun kalau ko memang minat menulis, buat analisis and suka benda baru..kalau tak, baik tak yah. kalau setakat nak isi poket, aku tak tahu mcm mana nak survive. dulu pun aku pikir mcm tu gak tapi bila dah involve in the process, you will think differently then.

anyway...aku pun baru jer kawin. baru 6 bulan ...cepatnya masa berjalan kan? aku kenal my beloved hubby pun kat tempat keja aku ni hah. lepas dah puas kutuk sana sini, tak tahu lak, jodoh aku dgn dia kuat rupanya. yelah...masa mula2 punyala gaduh entah apa2..last2 Allah dah tetapkan jodoh aku dgn hubby rupanya. Alhamdulllilah...dia lelaki yg baik utk aku...insya Allah. hehehhe

nantilah aku cerita pasal tempat keja aku kay. lepas aku dah belajar mcm mana nak buat links, aku link kan korang dgn tempat keja aku....

chayosss

my FIRST

2006-03-09T10:10:00.000+08:00

a'kum.....

per...first time create my own blog and i dont know what to say and write. anyway...ini semua sebab abg ipa aku punya suggestion supaya ada blog sendiri. it's kindda interesting but i really wish i can keep my self update with own blog. insya Allah..

anyway, sesaper yg baru jer menjengah ke blog ni.....hope that you guys find this interesting though...